Think I will get an offer?

Pooty Pfaffenbach

PSN Name: PootyTime

Parents House   Toledo, Ohio

Phone: 419-601-****  

E-Mail: pootytime009@yahoo.com

		Objective To obtain any job that pays more than minimum wage, has entry-level benefits, or allows me to sit at a desk and talk to no one. Education Bowling Green State University                                                August 2010-May 2013 ·       Earned a four year degree in six years ·       Attended class at a 60% rate ·       Failed Sociology 101 University of Toledo                                                                  August 2006-May 2010 ·       Switched my major four times ·       Scheduled three general education classes in a spring semester ·       Studied European Witchcraft and Magic ·       Played volleyball at the quad
		Accomplishments ·       Obtained a twenty five matching winning streak in the Pokémon Battle Mansion  ·       Watched all eight Harry Potter films in one twenty four hour period ·       Went to class with a giant penis drawn on my face ·       Had drunk streak of twenty three days ·       Drank 5.5 Four Lokos in an eight hour period ·       Successfully faked being paralyzed in order to receive free alcohol and VIP treatment at a bar ·       Jedi Master
		Skills The ability to: ·       Look like a boss in gym shorts ·       Speak some Elfish ·       Drink two beers in less than twelve seconds ·       Take a selfie, change the radio station, and eat a five dollar footlong, while driving ·       Kill your face in Civilization Revolution ·       Criticize your every insecurity References Wickett ·       Bro ·       419-410-**** Mom ·       419-450-**** Dad ·       419-206-****

Walking Dead Writers Meeting

I got to sit in on a super secret writer's meeting for The Walking Dead this weekend.  As someone who wants to be a writer (by want I mean I never will) I was excited for this opportunity....until I realized the writers of The Walking Dead are idiots.  For the sake of keeping these ass hats anonymous I will use fake names.   Zombie Gore, Subtext, Not A Woman, and Pacing were the four writers tasked with writing this gem of a........zombie soap opera?

Pacing-Alright guys I think what we need to do in this episode is get Rick to understand that being crazy is not good, even though he totally is insane.  

Wicket-You have 48 minutes to fill, is that all?

Pacing-I think it is going to maybe take 50 minutes to cover that.

Zombie Gore-Can we kill 8-10 zombies for like no reason at all?

Pacing-As long as when they get killed it happens when the characters are alone and putting themselves into unnecessary danger and there is no story to cover or dialogue, and they just got done running, preferably their eyes are closed when the walker sneaks up on them. 

Subtext-Oh lets have Carl kill the zombies and show no remorse like he does not care about anything anymore and this world is just so horrible the children no longer have childhoods they are thrust into this horrible world as adults at such a young age and.....he just does not think he can be hurt because he is already dead inside because he killed his mom.

Not A Woman-I feel like we need to make Andrea be in the middle of this conflict because women just cannot make decisions when they love crazy men.

Wicket-I do not think she would do that, she clearly would already know that guy is chemically unbalanced.  Any actual woman would of left like six episodes ago.

Not A Woman-But she loves him, and it is a scientific fact that when women love men, they get stupid.

Wicket-I do not think there is any scientific data to prove that.

Zombie Gore-There is.  So how do these zombies get killed?  All head shots close up where they could easily be bit or impossibly long-range deadeye headshots from inexperienced shooters.

Wicket-Why don't they all have longer weapons and just sweep the leg?  Andrea has like a butterfly knife and she only stabs zombie when they walk/trip into the knife.

Subtext-When they are close to the walkers they are staring death in the eye, face to face, because this world is so horrible and children don't have childhoods anymore.  

Wicket-You know that, that subtext is covered every episode, you can stop demonstrating how horrible this world is, there are zombies, everyone knows it sucks.

Pacing-Guys we are moving to fast, this episode only needs to focus on Rick being not crazy anymore.

Wicket-Why did you make him crazy three episodes ago if you were going to have an episode where he realizes he shouldn't be crazy anymore.  This episode does not advance the overall story at all, it is an episode solely focused on correcting a character fault established three episodes ago.

Pacing-Great point, he needs to be crazy for at least 7 more episodes.

Wicket-Ok so the governor is the main attraction this season his struggle with Rick's group is the overall story arc.

Zombie Gore-Oh my god I'm so bored.

Wicket-How did he get/keep his job?

Not a Woman-He made up Daryl, he got lucky.

Zombie Gore-I didn't get lucky, he has a crossbow, it is science.

Pacing-Slow down guys.

Subtext-So he continues to be crazy, but he has a child, his child has to raise himself, in this world children are their own parents.

Wicket-I am leaving.

That was long ago in season 3 before everything changed and Walking Dead became good again..........complete lie it may be worse than ever before.  Amazingly I was invited back to help them with their 2nd half of the 4th season.  The writers groups added a person I will call Cocky.

Wicket-So what happened with the mid-season finale?  It was basically the 3rd season finale but better.

Zombie Gore-Told you it was better than that weak ass finale.

Subtext-We were trying to show that living people are more dangerous than the dead ones.

Wicket-I think that is literally a line from a previous show.  You know it is not subtext if it is spoken right?

Subtext-So you are telling me I need to make it less apparent?

Wicket-Or just stop.

Cocky-It does not really matter what we do.  We have zombies and everyone watches our show.  We have a fucking talk show that follows our show.

Wicket-So why didn't you just end the 3rd season like you did the middle of the 4th.  That way you had the whole 4th season to cover new ground instead of only half a season.

Not a Woman-These writers suck.  They killed Lori and Andrea, those were characters who drove the show.

Zombie Gore-Someone slapped me and said we were sexist for portraying women as morons, I am not smart enough to be sexist so we boxed you out.

Pacing-Wait so you are saying that all those episodes about the disease and the governor were pointless?

Wicket-Extremely, you showed a redemption story for a guy who just turned back and did the exact same thing he did the prior season, only worse.  Subtext?  Thoughts?

Subtext-We were trying to show how you cannot change your natu......

Cocky-Shut the fuck up Subtext.  They fucked up people were pissed, we changed it and now we are awesome again.

Wicket-You just had a whole episode where two characters searched for alcohol.

Character Development-There was character development though, assloads of it.

Pacing-I think we may have put to much in that episode, it could have been two.

Wicket-Did you just change your name Subtext?

CD-Yes, I did.

Wicket-Dialog is not character development.  We knew Daryl was a redneck who cared about the group and the only development from the other character is I slightly remember her name now.

Cocky-I was drunk when they wrote that episode.

Zombie Gore-What about the scene where the gang is at Rick's house and he has to escape.  Tense as fuck isn't it.  Plus people die and turn into zombies.  Also, Abraham was straight murdering zombies.

Wicket-Both served no purpose other than to A. introduce a gang of bad guys I am guessing and B. ruin a mode of transportation.

CD-Oh you just wait until we develop those characters more.

Wicket-Let me guess he is some kind of muscle that will clash with Rick for leadership?

CD-.........yeah.

Wicket-So how is he different from Tyreese?

CD-........he is white.

Zombie Gore-He is going to kill a lot of people and zombies, exactly what this show needs.

Cocky-Who cares, throw a comic book character in there and people are happy for a little until they realize we are just changing things.

Wicket-I would say it is fine to veer in a completely different direction, maybe even better than just doing a word-for-word translation that way there is some suspense as to what is going to happen.  An uncertainty if you will.  You all seem to just take events from the comics and kind of do them, out of order, and stupidly.

Not a Woman-That's cause they killed all my people.  Lori and Andrea, we should bring them back in dream sequences every episode.

Pacing-Literally no one cares about either of those characters.  I kind of forgot they were characters.

Wicket-Every time you kill someone people either hate them or we knew it was going to happen.  Lori, no one liked her she was literally the dumbest character ever and a horrible mother.

Not a Woman-Every action she took is scientifically researched.  Women do not know what to do when their men are in danger, they lose all motor and cognitive control.

Subtext-So you are saying that when women love men they become almost like zombies?  Yeah, I changed my name back.

Wicket-Andrea, was somehow less intelligent than Lori.  People were starting Facebook groups begging you to kill her.  A pretty awesome character in the comics became another woman who could not make any decisions and when she did they were always wrong.

Pacing-We should of spent more time developing her and the Governor's relationship.

Wicket-No, you devoted a whole episode to her being chased by the Governor.  It was terrible.  Herschel, he just had his big episode where he saved everyone so when he was caught with Michonne we all knew he was getting the beheading that Tyreese got in the comics and we knew it would not be Michonne, people like her too much.

Subtext-That is literally how we pitched it.  I thought no one would see it coming.

Wicket-You should have just done all of that at the end of the 3rd season, then you know do something with some purpose, not just have an episode dedicated to each group where they look for alcohol, pudding, or beans for no reason.

Character Development-Dudeeeeee, character development we have to see how each character is dealing with the aftermath of the prison.

Wicket-Fine, do it after season three when you should have done the real prison showdown and then you devote one or two episodes to the group being alone and reunite them for the overall picture of season 4.........instead of dicking around for 3/4 of a season.

(Long silence)

Zombie Gore-We have to kill more zombies is what you are saying.

Wicket-Fire this guy.  He brings nothing to the table.

Cocky-It does not matter what we do, people are going to watch.  Our plot is predictable, easy to follow, and whenever it is boring we almost kill someone.  I mean you still watch.  Why do you watch it?

Wicket-I don't know, I feel like it could be so good but its not.  Good point.

Cocky-See, thats why we can write our characters to be morons, repeat whole plotlines, and slowly meander along a main story we just kind of make up using the comics.  This is a bad show, but it is a bad show with zombies and people love zombies.

Zombie Gore-That is the whole reason I have a job.


Walking Dead will continue to suck people and we will continue to watch, because is their anything on tv on Sundays until Game of Thrones?  No, there is not.

7 Ways to Make Pompeii Better

I just got back from the movie theater.  Last time I decided to write something about a movie immediately following the movie was The Bourne Legacy, which, was not good.  Not the type of bad where it is funny though.  The kind that some people really enjoy because it is so funny.  Pompeii is that kind of bad.  Honestly if you like it for its story or pretty much anything else the movie does you are stupid.  You are the Nickelback of movie audience members.  Now I genuinely wanted to see this movie because I like Game of Thrones and I was curious as to whether Kit Harrington (Jon Snow) can act.  Pootytime and Guth in Boots also came though their reasons are probably different.  I want to cover some ways this movie could have been better.

1. Ramp up the overall insanity and stupidity put not to the point where it seems like it is on purpose.  The best part of this movie is where the awesome black dude from Lost (Adewale) tosses a battle axe horizontally a good 50 yards killing a man.  I have three thoughts about this.

1. How in the hell did he see this as a viable option in his head.  
2. His weapon is massive and hard to swing fast but he tosses it with the voracity that Pootytime wants to toss a midget.
3. He snipes the guy in the middle of his chest.

It is comically retarded and when he did it I immediately was laughing quite hard.  If people were looking at me they probably did not think I was watching the same movie.  They would join in on the humor soon though.

2.  Kill the screenwriter and hide the blood with the pages of the script.  This dialog is laughably bad.  I believe this is a line between two of the male gladiator slaves.

"Tomorrow I am going to kill you and get my freedom."

"Tomorrow you will be getting your freedom because I will be killing you"

It is bad that was just a little of the exchange but pretty much every new line was twisting the previous line into some kind of reverse threat-brag.  

3.  Kill Kiefer Sutherland.  24 is badass, Jack Bauer is amazing.  Whatever Kiefer is trying to do in this movie is as far away from Jack Bauer as he could have gone.  I guess when he showed up on set he was like, "fuck it, I am doing a terrible fucking accent."  Apparently no one else was doing an accent that is different than their own.  Jared Harris, smart and British, Emily Browning, dumb and fish-like, Kit Harrington, brooding, seriously his accent is brooding.  Kiefer does the goofiest accent he possibly can.  Also, what the hell is his name, it is like Senator Voreneus Maximus Decimus Septis Clashius Volenium.  He says it a lot.

4.  Do not hint that the volcano is going to erupt like seven times, we fucking know it is going to.

5.  Make Adewale the main character and change the whole story to have nothing to do with volcanos, senators with weird accents, fish-women, and Kit Harrington doing his best impression of Ryan Gosling in Drive.  (Ryan Gosling was doing his best impression of Helen Keller during Drive)

6.  Give Kit Harrington lines to speak.  He just stares at people.  At one time the chick who looks like Flounder asks him "What do we do?"  his reply was this...............................(do you see how pretty and brooding I am)

7.  This is the best one.  It makes this movie amazing.  Do not kill Kiefer Sutherland instead, X-Men Days of Future Past his ass and send Jack Bauer's consciousness back in time into his ancestor's body.  (This should be the next Assassin's Creed game)  He is deep undercover in the Roman political system to uncover some kind betrayal or corruption and goes to Pompeii to kill some people or torture them.  Adewale and Jon Snow are CTU agents in the past helping him find the corruption.  Ole Fish-Face can be the pointless daughter so for 30 minutes of this movie she is being chased by a wolf or a minotaur, twist though, she dies crazy early for no reason.  Stupid romantic plot is dissolved.  Jared Harris is British and therefore perfect to be the villain.  All the evidence against him is stored around Pompeii when Jack Bauer finds this out Harris plans on setting off a nuclear bomb inside the volcano to take out Pompeii.  So the best things are still intact, Adewale, battle axe sniping, and volcano rock brainings.  Pretty much everything stays intact you just re-film all of Kiefer's lines.  It would be awesome.

What is a Pooty?

In all my years of observation of this "Pooty" I have finally stumbled upon a conclusion of the age old question "what is a Pooty?" For the purpose of this study I will refer to him as Peter Paul (which was almost his name)  The first time this question was asked to me was by my brother, the conversation went like this.

Brother: Who are you bringing over?

Wicket: My friend Pooty.

Brother: What the fuck is a Pooty?

I had no reply, how do you describe someone, so complex, I mean the layers of the man.  What are his motivations, when does Peter Paul become Pooty, what is wrong with his face, why does he introduce himself as Peter Paul to women and Pooty to men, and why does he get so wildly drunk?  I set out to find these answers, because it needs to be known, or because I also like to drink offensive amounts of beer, wake up, and eat Chinese food.

What Are His Motivations?

While researching this Pooty I found two distinct people.  Peter Paul, a level headed man who is in full control of his faculties and generally does what he is supposed to.  He shows up to work on time, he will help you if you need to move, and he cannot make macaroni and cheese, the noodles confuse him.  This Peter Paul is an exemplary professional who you want to be your friend............but Pooty is better.  Pooty is what happens when you add alcohol to the Peter Paul.  This is not gremlins, time does not matter, give Peter Paul alcohol he becomes Pooty, he is like an alcoholic chia pet, the effects are almost immediate.

The motivations of Peter Paul are simple:

• Food
• Video Games
• Movies
• Sports
• Money

The motivations of Pooty are very different:

• Beer
• Beer
• Jimmy Johns
• Beer
• Long Islands
• Sex
• Dancing
• Titties (usually yelled at a person, titties are not required to be yelled at)

And those are in order.

When Does Peter Paul Become Pooty



























What Is Wrong With His Face?

Is it Halloween, no, it is not, it is March 4th and Pooty is creepin'.  When Pooty drinks his face becomes his canvas.  It conveys how he feels and what he wants.  Breasts?  He will stare at them.  Beer?  He will contort his face to show you his pleasure or displeasure from every sip.  General confusion of surroundings?  You are going to see a shit ton of that.  I believe it is an evolutionary response to the effects of alcohol.  Humans have opposable thumbs so they can perform various actions, like grabbing things and braining people with them and Dolphins don't, therefore they are stupid.  Pooty developed the ability to speak with his face because he forgets how to formulate words, not sentences, words.  When he becomes Pooty he could communicate anything to a two year old with 100% accuracy and that baby will be like "this guy is retarded," which is exactly what he was trying to say.  It is a fascinating way of communicating......women do not seem to understand it.

Why Does He Introduce Himself As Peter Paul To Women?

Would you want to fuck a guy named Pooty?

Why Does He Get So Wildly Drunk?

Some people drink because they are sad or want to forget.  Some are addicted.  Others want to lose their inhibitions and make mistakes.  Others party.  Peter Paul drinks because he knows Pooty is the best version of himself.  Popeye eats spinach and becomes Popeye X, Voltron makes his robot slaves become his arms and legs, boom, better than whatever he was, Lebron and Chris Bosh sign with the Miami Heat, boom, basketball is ruined.  While Pooty does not get super strong, get people to be his limps, or ruin a sport because they individually suck.  He does gain ability at drinking games and gain abilities at drinking.  Also a weird side effect, Pooty is way better with women than Peter Paul, if he had to quit drinking cold turkey, it would be terrible.  It would be like a 700 pound man losing 550 pounds, he would look really fucking weird.  So back to the point of this section, he gets wildly drunk because he no longer has to be lame Peter Paul who goes to bed early, wakes up, brushes teeth, and goes to class.  He becomes Pooty, who goes to bed way too late, sleeps past his alarm, does not brush his teeth, and goes to class with dicks all over his face.

In Conclusion

I found all these answers through careful observation of these two men.  Well one guy who is wildly different.  A nice, quiet, man who has meh manners becomes a belching, farting, neanderthal who screams elongated vulgar obscenities at the top of his lungs and loses all motor control.  In short, it is hilarious to watch.

Fuck you Pooty.

4 Four Loko Day Live Blog

It has started, the day of reckoning, the Ragnarok, end of days, a Roland Emmerich movie title.  Pooty and I are drinking 4 Four Lokos......and it has begun.

(Wicket) 7:15- First Loko is cracked.  It is pineapple because I have never had it and terrible unknown things are apparently more appealing to me than terrible known things.  I take a sip......it is not bad.

7:18- Fuck Pineapple Lokos.

7:36- We are playing Worms, not gay it is a sweet game look it up. I have discovered the flavor of every four loko, that type of kool-aid and then you eat a cigarette.  It is nasty, at first you think this is good then you realize someone jammed cancer into your mouth to mix with the kool-aid.  How much do I regret this currently, not much, I feel bad ass, but I am not really smart.

7:44- Pooty can't log into his name, he sucks.  Halfway through the Pineapple and my stomach is feeling pretty good, apparently lava sauce from taco bell is a good buffer.

(PootyTime) 7:52- For the past 25 minutes I have been playing the "worms drinking game" with a strawberry-lemonade 4 loko. This is the worst decision I have made since I agreed to drink four 4 lokos in one night. However, the first loko is going down quite well. Like pink lemonade on a hot summer day.

7:54- This now takes like shit. Like a can of Milwaukee's Best that has been sitting under my car seat for the last four years. Fuck my life.

8:07- I am now quickly approaching the end of my first 4 loko. Although it already tasted like an ashtray, it has progressively gotten worse. This strawberry loko tastes like I have been chewing on an aluminum can, that has been sprayed with strawberry air-freshener.

(Wicket) 8:19- I have finished my 1st, the first quarter is done, I am drawing comparisons to football meaning I don't know what I am doing.  Level of regret, less than earlier, how drunk am I, meh.

8:22- Headcut has arrived, he called us idiots, eh probably true.  Two new nicknames, White-Black & Poke, they are making sure we live, or watching us die.  Pooty just tried to change the PS2 DVD with the PS3 controller, everything is going as it should.

Also 8:22- Uva Berry flavor, what does that mean, probably terrible, but apparently it means purple flavor.  Pooty says it is delicious, tastes like grape fanta.  WANNA FANTA DONT YA WANNA WANNA FANTA.  Seriously, everytime you hear someone say fanta you think of that horrible song.

8:39- If I make it to the bars tonight slap me, also this won't be posted until tomorrow so, nevermind.

(Pooty) 8:43- Halfway through the second loko and I seem to be holding it together. Except for the controller incident, which was bad. The watermelon is "eeeehhhhhhhh alright" but nothing exceptional. It cannot hold the grape lokos jock. My motor control seems to be normal as far as I can tell, because I havent pissed on the toilet seat yet. I am not afraid, I can totally handle this challenge. Bring on the fifth.

(Wicket) 9:04- We are playing Tiger Woods and drinking how many strokes we are behind, we drank 12 last hole, it was hole 8, still on two, pray for me, actually don't, probably won't help.

9:12- I am white girl wasted.

9:18- Triple bogey, Fuck You HEADCUT AND POOTY......oh shit we lost that hole.

9:20- Just puked a little in my mouth.

9:24- Poke just hit a wild second shot, probably the most athletic he has ever been in a video game.

9:33- He sucks now.

(Pooty) 9:40- Second loko is done, and I feel like da shit. I could beat a Kenyan in a marathon. I just made Wickett chug his shit....bc he is a massive bitch ass pussy. I was intimidated, now I am intrigued. I am not going to only win this shit...im going to blow wicket out of the water like my name as Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. 

9:48---I just cracked my third, and I am........................

(Wicket) 9:49- Second loko finished.  Really I am not feeling that drunk, also I am forgetting who I am though, so make the decision for yourself.  I feel great though.  Level of drunk, extreme, level of regret very minimal.  Currently I am thinking 4 four lokos is not enough.

10:00- I am getting better at golf video games proving my ability at fake sports is not affected by alcohol.

10:03- I just missed a short putt, I have never been more disappointed in myself. Also, I just found out that Pooty wikipediaed the Boston Marathon Massacre for the spelling of Dzokhar Tsaernaev.

10:16- I just thought I was taking a practice swing in the video game........I was not......it was a bad ass shot.

UPDATE:::::::Pooty and Wicket are on #3 and are slowing down, I still think 4 is not enough, Pooty is unsure.

10:23- We thought Napoleon quit our game, we freaked the fuck out.

10:25- Crisis averted.  Well we actually just did something else.

10:30- Cards against humanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:39- Time is moving really slow now.  Fuck.  Level of drunkeness, 78, level of regret a bucket of chicken.

11:30 Saturday- What the fuck happened?


 

The Four 4 Loko Challenge

Pooty’s Rendition

6:30 PM (T-Minus thirty minutes until 4 Loko game time)

When I look back at all my life has had to offer, I begin to smile like Jerry Sandusky in a middle school. All the tities, open bars, and one-night stands get me harder than a black person at Golden Corral. Damn, I am still smitten. So, when it comes to drinking four 4 Lokos, I will make them my bitch. I am to 4 Lokos, what John Daly is to Jack Daniels. I fear no liqueur, moonshine, or mixed drink. I am a god amongst men and my steel liver will be champion of the night.    

Wicket’s Introduction

5:50 PM (In my head at work while I am watching peoples’ children)

I get off in 10 minutes.  Fuck, I am tired there is no way I am going to climb this mountain of alcohol.  Well, I drank 3 once, but I do not remember anything from that night that could help me.  The only thing I remember is going to buy another loko and I forgot my wallet so while standing there looking at the cashier I drunkenly ran for what seemed like 15 minutes back to my house…….my house is the junior high school record for the long jump away from the store I procured the beverages so I must have been running rather slow or walking while flailing my arms.  I came back and bought my third loko, night over.  So as I sit here I think, holy shit I take care of children, one of them just told me I am their favorite teacher, which, I am flattered, really, but I am not a teacher so damn kid you are stupid.  I digress though, mainly I was thinking, what if I die?  Would my family even throw a funeral or just say fuck it he was an idiot leave where he was.  I say the latter, fuck me if I die.  Let’s start.  That cracking noise you are hearing in your mind, it is a four loko, also regret though.