What is a Pooty?

In all my years of observation of this "Pooty" I have finally stumbled upon a conclusion of the age old question "what is a Pooty?" For the purpose of this study I will refer to him as Peter Paul (which was almost his name)  The first time this question was asked to me was by my brother, the conversation went like this.

Brother: Who are you bringing over?

Wicket: My friend Pooty.

Brother: What the fuck is a Pooty?

I had no reply, how do you describe someone, so complex, I mean the layers of the man.  What are his motivations, when does Peter Paul become Pooty, what is wrong with his face, why does he introduce himself as Peter Paul to women and Pooty to men, and why does he get so wildly drunk?  I set out to find these answers, because it needs to be known, or because I also like to drink offensive amounts of beer, wake up, and eat Chinese food.

What Are His Motivations?

While researching this Pooty I found two distinct people.  Peter Paul, a level headed man who is in full control of his faculties and generally does what he is supposed to.  He shows up to work on time, he will help you if you need to move, and he cannot make macaroni and cheese, the noodles confuse him.  This Peter Paul is an exemplary professional who you want to be your friend............but Pooty is better.  Pooty is what happens when you add alcohol to the Peter Paul.  This is not gremlins, time does not matter, give Peter Paul alcohol he becomes Pooty, he is like an alcoholic chia pet, the effects are almost immediate.

The motivations of Peter Paul are simple:

• Food
• Video Games
• Movies
• Sports
• Money

The motivations of Pooty are very different:

• Beer
• Beer
• Jimmy Johns
• Beer
• Long Islands
• Sex
• Dancing
• Titties (usually yelled at a person, titties are not required to be yelled at)

And those are in order.

When Does Peter Paul Become Pooty



























What Is Wrong With His Face?

Is it Halloween, no, it is not, it is March 4th and Pooty is creepin'.  When Pooty drinks his face becomes his canvas.  It conveys how he feels and what he wants.  Breasts?  He will stare at them.  Beer?  He will contort his face to show you his pleasure or displeasure from every sip.  General confusion of surroundings?  You are going to see a shit ton of that.  I believe it is an evolutionary response to the effects of alcohol.  Humans have opposable thumbs so they can perform various actions, like grabbing things and braining people with them and Dolphins don't, therefore they are stupid.  Pooty developed the ability to speak with his face because he forgets how to formulate words, not sentences, words.  When he becomes Pooty he could communicate anything to a two year old with 100% accuracy and that baby will be like "this guy is retarded," which is exactly what he was trying to say.  It is a fascinating way of communicating......women do not seem to understand it.

Why Does He Introduce Himself As Peter Paul To Women?

Would you want to fuck a guy named Pooty?

Why Does He Get So Wildly Drunk?

Some people drink because they are sad or want to forget.  Some are addicted.  Others want to lose their inhibitions and make mistakes.  Others party.  Peter Paul drinks because he knows Pooty is the best version of himself.  Popeye eats spinach and becomes Popeye X, Voltron makes his robot slaves become his arms and legs, boom, better than whatever he was, Lebron and Chris Bosh sign with the Miami Heat, boom, basketball is ruined.  While Pooty does not get super strong, get people to be his limps, or ruin a sport because they individually suck.  He does gain ability at drinking games and gain abilities at drinking.  Also a weird side effect, Pooty is way better with women than Peter Paul, if he had to quit drinking cold turkey, it would be terrible.  It would be like a 700 pound man losing 550 pounds, he would look really fucking weird.  So back to the point of this section, he gets wildly drunk because he no longer has to be lame Peter Paul who goes to bed early, wakes up, brushes teeth, and goes to class.  He becomes Pooty, who goes to bed way too late, sleeps past his alarm, does not brush his teeth, and goes to class with dicks all over his face.

In Conclusion

I found all these answers through careful observation of these two men.  Well one guy who is wildly different.  A nice, quiet, man who has meh manners becomes a belching, farting, neanderthal who screams elongated vulgar obscenities at the top of his lungs and loses all motor control.  In short, it is hilarious to watch.

Fuck you Pooty.