7 Ways to Make Pompeii Better

I just got back from the movie theater.  Last time I decided to write something about a movie immediately following the movie was The Bourne Legacy, which, was not good.  Not the type of bad where it is funny though.  The kind that some people really enjoy because it is so funny.  Pompeii is that kind of bad.  Honestly if you like it for its story or pretty much anything else the movie does you are stupid.  You are the Nickelback of movie audience members.  Now I genuinely wanted to see this movie because I like Game of Thrones and I was curious as to whether Kit Harrington (Jon Snow) can act.  Pootytime and Guth in Boots also came though their reasons are probably different.  I want to cover some ways this movie could have been better.

1. Ramp up the overall insanity and stupidity put not to the point where it seems like it is on purpose.  The best part of this movie is where the awesome black dude from Lost (Adewale) tosses a battle axe horizontally a good 50 yards killing a man.  I have three thoughts about this.

1. How in the hell did he see this as a viable option in his head.  
2. His weapon is massive and hard to swing fast but he tosses it with the voracity that Pootytime wants to toss a midget.
3. He snipes the guy in the middle of his chest.

It is comically retarded and when he did it I immediately was laughing quite hard.  If people were looking at me they probably did not think I was watching the same movie.  They would join in on the humor soon though.

2.  Kill the screenwriter and hide the blood with the pages of the script.  This dialog is laughably bad.  I believe this is a line between two of the male gladiator slaves.

"Tomorrow I am going to kill you and get my freedom."

"Tomorrow you will be getting your freedom because I will be killing you"

It is bad that was just a little of the exchange but pretty much every new line was twisting the previous line into some kind of reverse threat-brag.  

3.  Kill Kiefer Sutherland.  24 is badass, Jack Bauer is amazing.  Whatever Kiefer is trying to do in this movie is as far away from Jack Bauer as he could have gone.  I guess when he showed up on set he was like, "fuck it, I am doing a terrible fucking accent."  Apparently no one else was doing an accent that is different than their own.  Jared Harris, smart and British, Emily Browning, dumb and fish-like, Kit Harrington, brooding, seriously his accent is brooding.  Kiefer does the goofiest accent he possibly can.  Also, what the hell is his name, it is like Senator Voreneus Maximus Decimus Septis Clashius Volenium.  He says it a lot.

4.  Do not hint that the volcano is going to erupt like seven times, we fucking know it is going to.

5.  Make Adewale the main character and change the whole story to have nothing to do with volcanos, senators with weird accents, fish-women, and Kit Harrington doing his best impression of Ryan Gosling in Drive.  (Ryan Gosling was doing his best impression of Helen Keller during Drive)

6.  Give Kit Harrington lines to speak.  He just stares at people.  At one time the chick who looks like Flounder asks him "What do we do?"  his reply was this...............................(do you see how pretty and brooding I am)

7.  This is the best one.  It makes this movie amazing.  Do not kill Kiefer Sutherland instead, X-Men Days of Future Past his ass and send Jack Bauer's consciousness back in time into his ancestor's body.  (This should be the next Assassin's Creed game)  He is deep undercover in the Roman political system to uncover some kind betrayal or corruption and goes to Pompeii to kill some people or torture them.  Adewale and Jon Snow are CTU agents in the past helping him find the corruption.  Ole Fish-Face can be the pointless daughter so for 30 minutes of this movie she is being chased by a wolf or a minotaur, twist though, she dies crazy early for no reason.  Stupid romantic plot is dissolved.  Jared Harris is British and therefore perfect to be the villain.  All the evidence against him is stored around Pompeii when Jack Bauer finds this out Harris plans on setting off a nuclear bomb inside the volcano to take out Pompeii.  So the best things are still intact, Adewale, battle axe sniping, and volcano rock brainings.  Pretty much everything stays intact you just re-film all of Kiefer's lines.  It would be awesome.