I'm Starting a Diet

I thought the simplicity of this title would do this post well.  Just a warning this is not one of those "I'm making a life change and blogging it" things, this is a one-off about why I am starting a diet, it will be incredibly self-deprecating and will probably bring down my ego to a size it should be, slightly fatter than I am now.

So Boots wants to do a diet called the Whole 30, immediately before I started to recite all the nutritional knowledge I learned about why diets don't work while fully knowing that I barely got a C in Intro to Nutrition in which I skipped 50% of the classes to most likely shove Taco Bell into my face or contemplate for 50 minutes (the duration of the class) which unhealthy food I wanted from the multitude of restaurants in walkable distance that I would end up driving to anyway, she stopped me,  much like this run-on sentence has stopped your ability to process what the fuck I am talking about, and said "...."  I don't remember, it was something and It made me decide that I shouldn't talk about why diets suck and don't work.

Even after I agreed to do the diet it wasn't until this morning that I was all in.  That was simply because of a multitude of reasons that happened throughout the previous week deciding that they were relevant and popped into my head while I was pretend shitting at work in order to go on Facebook.

1.  This morning while getting ready I put on some pants.  I knew they were snug but comfortable and when I went to button the pants it was difficult, I had to like, shift my ass back and then quickly button them, as if the shifting created more room.  Then I picked up my belt and looked at it.  A thought popped in my head...these pants...are going nowhere, this belt knows it serves no purpose, it is the only clothing article meant to be tight that I am wearing and I let it be loose, cause these pants, are not moving a centimeter.  That is concerning, no one has ever been excited that they no longer need belts.  When I lost a lot of weight studying abroad in England I had to whittle a new hole in my belt because I needed it tighter, it was annoying as all hell, and a great feeling.  Not needing a belt, awful feeling.

2.  Skyline decided to put the number of calories of their items on their menu and I just straight up left after adding up what I normally eat there.

3.  A Chinese buffet just murdered my stomach for like 7 hours.  I got off work on Friday at 11:00, ate Chinese food, went to physical therapy, went home and slept like 5 hours.

4.  I have a sneaking suspicion my fat body was the driving force in breaking my poor ankle.

After these thoughts while sitting on a toilet and not actually having a bowel movement I decided, yes, I will do anything to longer think of those things. Then came the haunting realization that this fucking diet does not allow Dairy, Alcohol, or Grains for 30 days.

Me every morning, lunch, and dinner for my pre-meal milk binge

Of these three the Dairy hurts the most.  No cheese will make me want to die and no milk is basically torture.  Grains will also suck but more because I will make something and realize, "fuck I cannot eat this like I used to, now I must kill something" the alcohol...eh...I am not too worried about the alcohol.  I already drink less after my college days and since I am not Jammy Pack or Pooty I will be fine, those guys have a college-level drinking party every weekend but it is just like 3 guys and Boots.  It's weird.

I am happy though that there are some things I won't do anymore.  Like go to Golden Corral, the only reason we stopped going to Golden Corral (It was like a once every 3 months thing) was cause a guy got shot in the parking lot, it wasn't their shitty food that kills people constantly, a guy had to get fucking shot in the parking lot before I would stop going to eat their below average food that is never fresh.  Golden Corral, unlike some buffets, never has fresh food, the minute it is finished cooking they must just breath on it for like 10 minutes and then serve it.  Even the steak, the guy cooking the steak is the angriest person I have ever seen, he always hands you the steak by throwing it with his tongs sloppily on your plate.  They cook it in front of your eyes and cut it while you are there, you can order how you want it cooked and when it gets back to your table it has become leather.  I even once said that I just like to look at the people that go to Golden Corral..then you realize, "Fuck, I am at Golden Corral" you start looking around all paranoid thinking, is anyone looking at me, am I a person being people watched at Golden Corral, do I look nice, comb your hair or get it cut you disheveled looking fat bitch you look like a toy that was assembled wrong and then...those people looking at you realize they are also at Golden Corral and then you all just get up, not saying a word to anyone and drown yourselves in the chocolate fountain because you have failed at living life.  Before that happened a guy got shot though...so I stopped going there.

It would also be nice to be healthy to the point that every meal is not followed by a nap or like a half hour period where no one can touch me.

Going out to eat is fun but I do it far to often and my Credit Card company is questioning my tips, I didn't know whether to ask too much of a tip or too many tips.

Finally, I lost a whole bunch of weight in England by simply not eating like I could not give a single fuck about dying early in life.  That and I didn't have a car and lived next to a pub that had average food, nothing else was in walking distance.  So maybe this will work and I won't injure my body because I am an overweight jackass who slipped on the last patch of ice the fading Winter could create.