Friday, March 7, 2014

Walking Dead Writers Meeting

I got to sit in on a super secret writer's meeting for The Walking Dead this weekend.  As someone who wants to be a writer (by want I mean I never will) I was excited for this opportunity....until I realized the writers of The Walking Dead are idiots.  For the sake of keeping these ass hats anonymous I will use fake names.   Zombie Gore, Subtext, Not A Woman, and Pacing were the four writers tasked with writing this gem of a........zombie soap opera?

Pacing-Alright guys I think what we need to do in this episode is get Rick to understand that being crazy is not good, even though he totally is insane.  

Wicket-You have 48 minutes to fill, is that all?

Pacing-I think it is going to maybe take 50 minutes to cover that.

Zombie Gore-Can we kill 8-10 zombies for like no reason at all?

Pacing-As long as when they get killed it happens when the characters are alone and putting themselves into unnecessary danger and there is no story to cover or dialogue, and they just got done running, preferably their eyes are closed when the walker sneaks up on them. 

Subtext-Oh lets have Carl kill the zombies and show no remorse like he does not care about anything anymore and this world is just so horrible the children no longer have childhoods they are thrust into this horrible world as adults at such a young age and.....he just does not think he can be hurt because he is already dead inside because he killed his mom.

Not A Woman-I feel like we need to make Andrea be in the middle of this conflict because women just cannot make decisions when they love crazy men.

Wicket-I do not think she would do that, she clearly would already know that guy is chemically unbalanced.  Any actual woman would of left like six episodes ago.

Not A Woman-But she loves him, and it is a scientific fact that when women love men, they get stupid.

Wicket-I do not think there is any scientific data to prove that.

Zombie Gore-There is.  So how do these zombies get killed?  All head shots close up where they could easily be bit or impossibly long-range deadeye headshots from inexperienced shooters.

Wicket-Why don't they all have longer weapons and just sweep the leg?  Andrea has like a butterfly knife and she only stabs zombie when they walk/trip into the knife.

Subtext-When they are close to the walkers they are staring death in the eye, face to face, because this world is so horrible and children don't have childhoods anymore.  

Wicket-You know that, that subtext is covered every episode, you can stop demonstrating how horrible this world is, there are zombies, everyone knows it sucks.

Pacing-Guys we are moving to fast, this episode only needs to focus on Rick being not crazy anymore.

Wicket-Why did you make him crazy three episodes ago if you were going to have an episode where he realizes he shouldn't be crazy anymore.  This episode does not advance the overall story at all, it is an episode solely focused on correcting a character fault established three episodes ago.

Pacing-Great point, he needs to be crazy for at least 7 more episodes.

Wicket-Ok so the governor is the main attraction this season his struggle with Rick's group is the overall story arc.

Zombie Gore-Oh my god I'm so bored.

Wicket-How did he get/keep his job?

Not a Woman-He made up Daryl, he got lucky.

Zombie Gore-I didn't get lucky, he has a crossbow, it is science.

Pacing-Slow down guys.

Subtext-So he continues to be crazy, but he has a child, his child has to raise himself, in this world children are their own parents.

Wicket-I am leaving.

That was long ago in season 3 before everything changed and Walking Dead became good again..........complete lie it may be worse than ever before.  Amazingly I was invited back to help them with their 2nd half of the 4th season.  The writers groups added a person I will call Cocky.

Wicket-So what happened with the mid-season finale?  It was basically the 3rd season finale but better.

Zombie Gore-Told you it was better than that weak ass finale.

Subtext-We were trying to show that living people are more dangerous than the dead ones.

Wicket-I think that is literally a line from a previous show.  You know it is not subtext if it is spoken right?

Subtext-So you are telling me I need to make it less apparent?

Wicket-Or just stop.

Cocky-It does not really matter what we do.  We have zombies and everyone watches our show.  We have a fucking talk show that follows our show.

Wicket-So why didn't you just end the 3rd season like you did the middle of the 4th.  That way you had the whole 4th season to cover new ground instead of only half a season.

Not a Woman-These writers suck.  They killed Lori and Andrea, those were characters who drove the show.

Zombie Gore-Someone slapped me and said we were sexist for portraying women as morons, I am not smart enough to be sexist so we boxed you out.

Pacing-Wait so you are saying that all those episodes about the disease and the governor were pointless?

Wicket-Extremely, you showed a redemption story for a guy who just turned back and did the exact same thing he did the prior season, only worse.  Subtext?  Thoughts?

Subtext-We were trying to show how you cannot change your natu......

Cocky-Shut the fuck up Subtext.  They fucked up people were pissed, we changed it and now we are awesome again.

Wicket-You just had a whole episode where two characters searched for alcohol.

Character Development-There was character development though, assloads of it.

Pacing-I think we may have put to much in that episode, it could have been two.

Wicket-Did you just change your name Subtext?

CD-Yes, I did.

Wicket-Dialog is not character development.  We knew Daryl was a redneck who cared about the group and the only development from the other character is I slightly remember her name now.

Cocky-I was drunk when they wrote that episode.

Zombie Gore-What about the scene where the gang is at Rick's house and he has to escape.  Tense as fuck isn't it.  Plus people die and turn into zombies.  Also, Abraham was straight murdering zombies.

Wicket-Both served no purpose other than to A. introduce a gang of bad guys I am guessing and B. ruin a mode of transportation.

CD-Oh you just wait until we develop those characters more.

Wicket-Let me guess he is some kind of muscle that will clash with Rick for leadership?

CD-.........yeah.

Wicket-So how is he different from Tyreese?

CD-........he is white.

Zombie Gore-He is going to kill a lot of people and zombies, exactly what this show needs.

Cocky-Who cares, throw a comic book character in there and people are happy for a little until they realize we are just changing things.

Wicket-I would say it is fine to veer in a completely different direction, maybe even better than just doing a word-for-word translation that way there is some suspense as to what is going to happen.  An uncertainty if you will.  You all seem to just take events from the comics and kind of do them, out of order, and stupidly.

Not a Woman-That's cause they killed all my people.  Lori and Andrea, we should bring them back in dream sequences every episode.

Pacing-Literally no one cares about either of those characters.  I kind of forgot they were characters.

Wicket-Every time you kill someone people either hate them or we knew it was going to happen.  Lori, no one liked her she was literally the dumbest character ever and a horrible mother.

Not a Woman-Every action she took is scientifically researched.  Women do not know what to do when their men are in danger, they lose all motor and cognitive control.

Subtext-So you are saying that when women love men they become almost like zombies?  Yeah, I changed my name back.

Wicket-Andrea, was somehow less intelligent than Lori.  People were starting Facebook groups begging you to kill her.  A pretty awesome character in the comics became another woman who could not make any decisions and when she did they were always wrong.

Pacing-We should of spent more time developing her and the Governor's relationship.

Wicket-No, you devoted a whole episode to her being chased by the Governor.  It was terrible.  Herschel, he just had his big episode where he saved everyone so when he was caught with Michonne we all knew he was getting the beheading that Tyreese got in the comics and we knew it would not be Michonne, people like her too much.

Subtext-That is literally how we pitched it.  I thought no one would see it coming.

Wicket-You should have just done all of that at the end of the 3rd season, then you know do something with some purpose, not just have an episode dedicated to each group where they look for alcohol, pudding, or beans for no reason.

Character Development-Dudeeeeee, character development we have to see how each character is dealing with the aftermath of the prison.

Wicket-Fine, do it after season three when you should have done the real prison showdown and then you devote one or two episodes to the group being alone and reunite them for the overall picture of season 4.........instead of dicking around for 3/4 of a season.

(Long silence)

Zombie Gore-We have to kill more zombies is what you are saying.

Wicket-Fire this guy.  He brings nothing to the table.

Cocky-It does not matter what we do, people are going to watch.  Our plot is predictable, easy to follow, and whenever it is boring we almost kill someone.  I mean you still watch.  Why do you watch it?

Wicket-I don't know, I feel like it could be so good but its not.  Good point.

Cocky-See, thats why we can write our characters to be morons, repeat whole plotlines, and slowly meander along a main story we just kind of make up using the comics.  This is a bad show, but it is a bad show with zombies and people love zombies.

Zombie Gore-That is the whole reason I have a job.


Walking Dead will continue to suck people and we will continue to watch, because is their anything on tv on Sundays until Game of Thrones?  No, there is not.




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