I'm Starting a Diet

I thought the simplicity of this title would do this post well.  Just a warning this is not one of those "I'm making a life change and blogging it" things, this is a one-off about why I am starting a diet, it will be incredibly self-deprecating and will probably bring down my ego to a size it should be, slightly fatter than I am now.

So Boots wants to do a diet called the Whole 30, immediately before I started to recite all the nutritional knowledge I learned about why diets don't work while fully knowing that I barely got a C in Intro to Nutrition in which I skipped 50% of the classes to most likely shove Taco Bell into my face or contemplate for 50 minutes (the duration of the class) which unhealthy food I wanted from the multitude of restaurants in walkable distance that I would end up driving to anyway, she stopped me,  much like this run-on sentence has stopped your ability to process what the fuck I am talking about, and said "...."  I don't remember, it was something and It made me decide that I shouldn't talk about why diets suck and don't work.

Even after I agreed to do the diet it wasn't until this morning that I was all in.  That was simply because of a multitude of reasons that happened throughout the previous week deciding that they were relevant and popped into my head while I was pretend shitting at work in order to go on Facebook.

1.  This morning while getting ready I put on some pants.  I knew they were snug but comfortable and when I went to button the pants it was difficult, I had to like, shift my ass back and then quickly button them, as if the shifting created more room.  Then I picked up my belt and looked at it.  A thought popped in my head...these pants...are going nowhere, this belt knows it serves no purpose, it is the only clothing article meant to be tight that I am wearing and I let it be loose, cause these pants, are not moving a centimeter.  That is concerning, no one has ever been excited that they no longer need belts.  When I lost a lot of weight studying abroad in England I had to whittle a new hole in my belt because I needed it tighter, it was annoying as all hell, and a great feeling.  Not needing a belt, awful feeling.

2.  Skyline decided to put the number of calories of their items on their menu and I just straight up left after adding up what I normally eat there.

3.  A Chinese buffet just murdered my stomach for like 7 hours.  I got off work on Friday at 11:00, ate Chinese food, went to physical therapy, went home and slept like 5 hours.

4.  I have a sneaking suspicion my fat body was the driving force in breaking my poor ankle.

After these thoughts while sitting on a toilet and not actually having a bowel movement I decided, yes, I will do anything to longer think of those things. Then came the haunting realization that this fucking diet does not allow Dairy, Alcohol, or Grains for 30 days.

Me every morning, lunch, and dinner for my pre-meal milk binge

Of these three the Dairy hurts the most.  No cheese will make me want to die and no milk is basically torture.  Grains will also suck but more because I will make something and realize, "fuck I cannot eat this like I used to, now I must kill something" the alcohol...eh...I am not too worried about the alcohol.  I already drink less after my college days and since I am not Jammy Pack or Pooty I will be fine, those guys have a college-level drinking party every weekend but it is just like 3 guys and Boots.  It's weird.

I am happy though that there are some things I won't do anymore.  Like go to Golden Corral, the only reason we stopped going to Golden Corral (It was like a once every 3 months thing) was cause a guy got shot in the parking lot, it wasn't their shitty food that kills people constantly, a guy had to get fucking shot in the parking lot before I would stop going to eat their below average food that is never fresh.  Golden Corral, unlike some buffets, never has fresh food, the minute it is finished cooking they must just breath on it for like 10 minutes and then serve it.  Even the steak, the guy cooking the steak is the angriest person I have ever seen, he always hands you the steak by throwing it with his tongs sloppily on your plate.  They cook it in front of your eyes and cut it while you are there, you can order how you want it cooked and when it gets back to your table it has become leather.  I even once said that I just like to look at the people that go to Golden Corral..then you realize, "Fuck, I am at Golden Corral" you start looking around all paranoid thinking, is anyone looking at me, am I a person being people watched at Golden Corral, do I look nice, comb your hair or get it cut you disheveled looking fat bitch you look like a toy that was assembled wrong and then...those people looking at you realize they are also at Golden Corral and then you all just get up, not saying a word to anyone and drown yourselves in the chocolate fountain because you have failed at living life.  Before that happened a guy got shot though...so I stopped going there.

It would also be nice to be healthy to the point that every meal is not followed by a nap or like a half hour period where no one can touch me.

Going out to eat is fun but I do it far to often and my Credit Card company is questioning my tips, I didn't know whether to ask too much of a tip or too many tips.

Finally, I lost a whole bunch of weight in England by simply not eating like I could not give a single fuck about dying early in life.  That and I didn't have a car and lived next to a pub that had average food, nothing else was in walking distance.  So maybe this will work and I won't injure my body because I am an overweight jackass who slipped on the last patch of ice the fading Winter could create.  

So You Think You Can Drink?

I have some friends coming into town to hang out and drink, by hang out I mean drink, I do not know how clear that was by putting those two together.  Whenever a large group of my friends get together it is generally to consume alcohol in its various forms.  Why?  It is fun, yeah being hungover sucks but retelling the night is a lot of fun too.  You wake up and you put something on the TV you don't care about and regale yourself with stories of your stupidity.  It's like a sleepover girls have in movies where they just talk.  No shit, Napoleon found a wheelchair once and we acted like Pootytime was paralyzed at the bar, it was amazing,  Napoleon just got done teaching children and found a wheelchair, that shit is not happening unless you and your friends drink.

So in the clusterfuck that is a group message our buddy (who shall now be known as Beer Guy, because of his love of shitty craft beer) claims "I will drink you all under the table."  That got me thinking, who is the best drinker and what makes a good drinker?  Of course I googled the second question in various forms and all I got were things about how how to drink moderately and I didn't like that Google was trying to make me confront a problem I don't have.  Moderation is boring, we never would have acted like Pootytime was paralyzed and got some meathead bouncer to carry him up the stairs to another bar by moderately drinking.  I would never have offered a cop 200$ I did not have to taze me by moderately drinking some beers.  Pootytime would not have creeped out Napoleon's cousin by moderately drinking at his wedding.  All these stories would suck, if not for consuming in excessive amounts most of the time Natty Light.

We will attack this one at a time but the members in this ranking are as follows...
1.  Wicket (Me)
2.  Pootytime (Idiot)
3.  Napoleon (Small)
4.  Headcut (Fake Hippie)
5.  Beer Guy (Beer Guy)
6.  Lasers (Really Likes Softball)
7.  Poke (Beautiful Hair, Creepy Facial Hair)
8.  Yanni (Jew)
9.  Boots (Chick)
10.  Sugarfoot (Wildcard)

This is not an actual order just the participants.  First category is speed.  Basically how quick one consumes one beer.  This is important for some reason.

1.  Beer Guy
2.  Pootytime
3.  Sugarfoot
4.  Boots
5.  Lasers
6.  Napoleon
7.  Wicket
8.  Yanni
9.  Poke
10.  Headcut

Something to point out here, drinking fast, is stupid, it is how you cannot drink for longer amounts of time.  What?  No this is not about the dangers of binge drinking, get the hell out of here rational voice.  Okay Pootytime and Beer Guy are by far the faster drinkers of all of us and I would guess Sugarfoot pounds him some beers because I see it on Snapchat a lot.  Boots outdrinks everyone else and to quote Pootytime's dad, Wise Pooty, "Is that Wicket's girlfriend....she can pound the shit out of a beer."  As far as the rest they are determined in an odd order I just kind of decided.  i do start slow though.  On to tolerance.  Which I have decided is how much you can drink and how quickly it has an effect on you.

1.  Wicket
2.  Sugarfoot
3.  Yanni
4.  Napoleon
5.  Lasers
6.  Headcut
7.  Boots
8.  Beer Guy
9.  Pootytime
10.  Poke

I am the master of drinking until like 5 AM and listening to depressing music while singing off all of the keys, didn't know them to begin with anyway.  This is a pure guess with Sugarfoot because I exclusively drink with him across Snapchat like we already discussed.  Yanni and Napoleon have a surprising tolerance for being so small.  Lasers can drink pretty steadily for a long amount of time and Headcut and Boots have probably regressed a little since college.  Beer Guy and Pootytime though, because of their speed drinking, outkick their coverage.  The speed leads them to drink say 11 beers and then decide they are not even buzzed yet so they continue to speed drink and then bam...

Pootytime at 1:00 AM

...it all hits them at the same time.  Poke has already decided via text he is the worst so fuck him.  On to beer gaming, which is a viable statistic because that means continuous drinking.

1.  Headcut
2.  Wicket
3.  Napoleon
4.  Boots
5.  Pootytime
6.  Yanni
7.  Lasers
8.  Poke
9.  Sugarfoot
10.  Beer Guy

Headcut is really good at all beer games but struggles with the drinking part.  Myself and Napoleon are about neck and neck except that psychologically I own him.  The rest are sort of interchangeable but Sugarfoot did not even know what 3-cup was, huge red flag, and Beer Guy just starts paying way too much attention to what music is being played and white women he cannot sleep with.

I am getting tired of this ranking business so to summarize...

Boots: Chick, good drinker, will not stop drinking once reaching a certain point, will vomit in your clean laundry basket, invented stupid drinking game called Suicide

Beer Guy: Beer snob, drinks sour beers, tries to beer game with IPA's, you know that person that tries to introduce you to music (Me) or books (Pootytime) or sexual assault (Sugarfoot) Beer Guy does this with beer, has a kegorator his richer more successful roommate bought, goes to hard to fast, horrible with ideas

Lasers: pretty steady drinker, not to fast not to slow, a staggering amount of nights ending up not drunk when drinking, generally more responsible than the rest of us, sells lasers

Yanni: Jew, plays the violin, had to change his pad when we poured red bull into his Four Loko, looks like Harry Potter as an adult man, deceivingly good at beer pong, hates mages

Poke: picked last in beer pong, admits to sucking at drinking, why am I still talking, despite being tiny as shit ready to throw down at all times

Wicket: slow starter, stays up until 5 AM, has drank 4-5 Four Lokos in one night, woke up with boxers inside out and backwards one time, impressive beer gamer, annoying about music, only likes rules that make him win, psychological ninja

Napoleon: Human Pop! Figurine, beer gamer, drinks modelo casually, got way to into keeping beer pong stats, must have generic music to drink, always wants to involve everyone,   never gets that drunk somehow

Sugarfoot: Drank with him once at a wedding...ripped shirt off...was very nice and cordial at Bob Evans next day...solid guy

Headcut: Beer gamer only, likes nature, had sex in my bed a lot while I was gone, offers to clean sheets

Pootytime: always wants to get fucked up, has also drank 4-5 Four Lokos in one night, passes out a lot, never makes it to the end, most visually drunk person I have ever seen

#10............Poke, I think we all knew this.

#9..............Yanni, he has probably got worse over time

#8..............Headcut, gets full very quickly, hampers his ability to drink beers

#7..............Pootytime, while he has drank 4 Four Lokos in a night he always gets far drunker than everyone else and falls asleep sitting up

#6.............Beer Guy, if he is actually drinking to get drunk, it will happen quickly, and he will play fake reggae music then break something

#5............Sugarfoot, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, we will see if the Snapchat drinker can hang

#4............Boots, only girl that has ever hung with us while drinking, big reason I now date her

#3............Lasers, more so because if he drank a lot, he would probably be fine, steady drinker

#2............Napoleon, yeah I messed these up

#1............Wicket, that's right, I ranked myself first, these are rational and totally not biased

Playoffs.....Playoffs

Read the title in Jim Mora voice and then picture Ian saying it.  Cause that is what he is doing.  This post is not about the King of the Retards Ian and his band of consolation nerds.  This is about playoffs and luck.  My luck actually.  It is most likely going to be that I scored the least points of winners and some of the losers may beat me.  Unless my Dolphin defenders and Lamar Miller score a butt ton of points and make me look awesome and in retrospect make this intro rather confusing.  That's why I included a joke about Ian, because everyone loves kicking a man when he is down, or when it is Ian, I assume I would also get the same treatment.  Onto the match-ups.

#1 Jovan Belcher's Pistol Offense Vs. #8 Eli's Moutbreathers

Eli Manning needs to fumble/throw interceptions at the least 6 times and Holden wins.  Barring an extreme point change by Yahoo! and there shitty fantasy football service Holden's season comes to a very similar end.  Since unlike ESPN I cannot look at past years of this league, I know Andy Dalton...I mean Holden flounders in the playoffs regularly.  Guess who's fault it is...Ian Smith, still losing in the actual playoffs even though he missed him.  If you read last week you saw a player that could have helped Ian multiple times this season.  His name...

The Crow

 Isaiah Crowell.  Ian dropped him and guy I don't know picked him up (at some time) and he threw up 27.9 points against a projected 8.39.  You played everyone correctly Holden, you have one person to blame...Ian.

#4 Fingerblastin' W/JPP Vs. #5 Watt'SUP

Figures after shit talking Harry for the majority of the year he would get screwed over by scoring higher than all the losers and most likely two winners.  Good year Harry, you have deserved me no longer making jokes about Sidney Rice.  As far as my points adversary Kreuz, I want you to be defeated.  (Lose rhymed there and sounded odd)  Unfortunately you have by far the best offense in the league.  Here is to Drew Brees playing away games hopefully.

#3 The Other White Meat Vs. #6 Pooty's New Virginity

I called this one well, in a way.  So, I said Pat would beat you cause your WR's suck well luckily I was right about the WR's and dear lord they are bad.  My worst WR outscored all 3 of yours, who are you Liz.  How did you limp into these playoffs with this set of three WR's.  Calvin Johnson I am guessing will be added to your list of players you hate along with Jamaal Charles and Amari Cooper against Denver must have just run routes for the fuck of it.  The other guy, I am not sure he is real.  You need multiple defensive TD's along with fumbles from Lamar Miller and every other Miami defender dying.

#2 Suck a Ditka Vs. #7 Duster McThunderstick

I guess this one is not technically over.  Pat needs 51 points.  So lets say ODB get 25 and the kicker hits three field goals all 40 yard+ and that is 12 so that means Prince Amukamara needs to score 14 points for the win.  So probably hope for ODB to drop like 40 points.  Honestly I now want Pat to lose because I have Big Ben and De'Andre Hopkins in a much more profitable league.  This could change but I doubt it.

Let's take a look at next weeks semi-final match-ups.

Fingerblastin' W/JPP Vs. Eli's Mouthbreathers

I'm guessing a disappointing low-scoring affair for both teams.  There are a few teams you do not want to see when your players opponents come up and Denver and Carolina are these teams.  If Roberts gets production out of his RB's (Devonta Freeman) and Kreuz's match-ups at RB go the way they are supposed to Robert may win.  While Antonio Brown is held to just a little Brees has a great game at home and Robert's team does not get the insane amount of points out of players like Ginn and Crowell again in a narrow loss.  Kreuz goes to the Championship.

Pooty's New Virginity Vs. Suck a Ditka/Duster McThunderstick

Well as far as my team, I am confident I can win I just have a preference of opponent.  I have pretty good match-ups and I don't play any of the Denvers, Carolinas, or sometimes Seahawks of the NFL.  Rivers plays against Miami and we suck, but Rivers lacks receivers so I am not so sure he is a good match-up.  Outside of that Pat has just about DeAndre Hopkins and that is it.  Yeldon and Eifert are hurt, Duke Johnson plays Seattle, Big Ben plays Denver, ODB plays Carolina, and DGB plays New England...yeah I want to play Pat.  Nick on the other hand has Forte with a bad matchup, Olsen with an injury and bad players in his 3rd WR, and Hightower.  He does have Brady against Tennessee, so that is like 28 points.  If I can figure out a QB and get 10 or 12 out of them I think I win.  I go to championship and play Kreuz.

Championship Game

Way to early but from the look of it none of my teams are resting players or playing good defenses and Kreuz has some tough games for his RB's and TE, but he has Brees at home vs. the Jags and Antonio Brown vs. the Ravens, which are very nice.  Toss-up but I think I have the edge right now, barring injuries.

A Review of Things I Have Not Seen, Heard, Or Are Even Released Yet

It has taken me a long time to realize that I apparently hate a lot of things.  Like comedy shows for instance, anything with a laugh track I instantly think is for people who cannot do simple algebra or construct a sentence that will convey a message.  This is why the laugh track is there.   You hear the laughing and then your pitiful brain goes "oh shit time to laugh."  The people on a laugh track even seem to not be laughing that hard.  It is the most phony forced laugh I have ever heard.  Fucking network television, besides Community of course, (well kind of now) is the Wyoming of comedy.  Don't understand the comparison, go to Wyoming, it fucking sucks, their grass lacks color, the whole state looks like it caught on fire and nobody attempted to put it out.

The Big Bang Theory

This review will also cover Two and A Half Men because they are the same thing to me.  I have actually seen both of these shows.  Before I start watch this 6 minute video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8DGiYRhvC0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASZ8Hks4gko

The second one is shorter but dear god how awkward was that.  If I watched it with my girlfriend Boots she would probably cower and lock herself in the closet.  It gave me the same feeling I get when watching an art house film...why the fuck is this happening.  Please tell me what is funny about this.  Let's go over the dialog.

Nerd 1: Boy do I have to urinate.  (I am assuming this is supposed to be funny because he said urinate instead of pee)

Nerd 2: There is a solution to that.  (A retort completely devoid of humor)

Nerd 1: I feel like I have a fish tank in my pelvis.  (Who wrote this?)

Nerd 2: So go to the bathroom.  (If this character only replies in non-humorous statements I would not be surprised)

I am not going over the rest because it must have been a dramatic episode...what?  This show is never dramatic...then why...that is just how it is all the time...CBS is the devil.  He won how many awards?  The skinny tall nerd...for what, anyone could have done that.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

Do you regularly watch Big Bang Theory?  Have you seen Paul Blart: Mall Cop?  Did you know that those questions are mutually exclusive.  Every person that answers yet to the first question also answers yes to the second.  From the trailer I viewed it seems that Kevin James schtick in this movie is "I'm fat and I run into things" also "I have a ridiculous amount of pride in being a Mall Cop."  Kevin James is jumping on this train late, Melissa McCarthy has already cornered the "Fat and Uncoordinated" comedy market.  You know how she did it?  She added the word Fuck...among other curse words.  I think I may actually watch this and then watch The Heat, i'll let you know what happens first suicide or laughter.

I have seen this trailer in a movie theater like 6 times.  Whenever someone laughs at the trailer I get angry.  I think they should make those trailers for profiling purposes.  The minute someone laughs a government agent will take the person and humanely put them down outside the theater.  That way we can work on the population problem in a concise and effective way.

Full House Netflix Series

Hey remember that show you used to watch and you loved it.  Yeah, that was good wasn't it.  Watch it again.  Oh it sucks now.  Yeah I mean that is the 90's for you.  Guess what has gotten better since the 90's...literally everything...except maybe rap.  That is what nostalgia does though, it makes you think things are great even though they now suck.  Boots is watching Friends like crazy on Netflix.  I used to enjoy Friends, now it is just alright.  Take a show like Full House, which was not as good as Friends, watch it again.  It is probably terrible.  You know what the writers of these shitty 90's shows make now?  Big Bang Theory and Two and A Half Men probably.  How in the fuck did no one watch Community and Parks and Recreation but watch this horseshit.  If this show is funny, I will blow myself.  If it is not funny you have to give me a dollar.  Give me a dollar.

Think I will get an offer?

Pooty Pfaffenbach

PSN Name: PootyTime

Parents House   Toledo, Ohio

Phone: 419-601-****  

E-Mail: pootytime009@yahoo.com

		Objective To obtain any job that pays more than minimum wage, has entry-level benefits, or allows me to sit at a desk and talk to no one. Education Bowling Green State University                                                August 2010-May 2013 ·       Earned a four year degree in six years ·       Attended class at a 60% rate ·       Failed Sociology 101 University of Toledo                                                                  August 2006-May 2010 ·       Switched my major four times ·       Scheduled three general education classes in a spring semester ·       Studied European Witchcraft and Magic ·       Played volleyball at the quad
		Accomplishments ·       Obtained a twenty five matching winning streak in the Pokémon Battle Mansion  ·       Watched all eight Harry Potter films in one twenty four hour period ·       Went to class with a giant penis drawn on my face ·       Had drunk streak of twenty three days ·       Drank 5.5 Four Lokos in an eight hour period ·       Successfully faked being paralyzed in order to receive free alcohol and VIP treatment at a bar ·       Jedi Master
		Skills The ability to: ·       Look like a boss in gym shorts ·       Speak some Elfish ·       Drink two beers in less than twelve seconds ·       Take a selfie, change the radio station, and eat a five dollar footlong, while driving ·       Kill your face in Civilization Revolution ·       Criticize your every insecurity References Wickett ·       Bro ·       419-410-**** Mom ·       419-450-**** Dad ·       419-206-****

Walking Dead Writers Meeting

I got to sit in on a super secret writer's meeting for The Walking Dead this weekend.  As someone who wants to be a writer (by want I mean I never will) I was excited for this opportunity....until I realized the writers of The Walking Dead are idiots.  For the sake of keeping these ass hats anonymous I will use fake names.   Zombie Gore, Subtext, Not A Woman, and Pacing were the four writers tasked with writing this gem of a........zombie soap opera?

Pacing-Alright guys I think what we need to do in this episode is get Rick to understand that being crazy is not good, even though he totally is insane.  

Wicket-You have 48 minutes to fill, is that all?

Pacing-I think it is going to maybe take 50 minutes to cover that.

Zombie Gore-Can we kill 8-10 zombies for like no reason at all?

Pacing-As long as when they get killed it happens when the characters are alone and putting themselves into unnecessary danger and there is no story to cover or dialogue, and they just got done running, preferably their eyes are closed when the walker sneaks up on them. 

Subtext-Oh lets have Carl kill the zombies and show no remorse like he does not care about anything anymore and this world is just so horrible the children no longer have childhoods they are thrust into this horrible world as adults at such a young age and.....he just does not think he can be hurt because he is already dead inside because he killed his mom.

Not A Woman-I feel like we need to make Andrea be in the middle of this conflict because women just cannot make decisions when they love crazy men.

Wicket-I do not think she would do that, she clearly would already know that guy is chemically unbalanced.  Any actual woman would of left like six episodes ago.

Not A Woman-But she loves him, and it is a scientific fact that when women love men, they get stupid.

Wicket-I do not think there is any scientific data to prove that.

Zombie Gore-There is.  So how do these zombies get killed?  All head shots close up where they could easily be bit or impossibly long-range deadeye headshots from inexperienced shooters.

Wicket-Why don't they all have longer weapons and just sweep the leg?  Andrea has like a butterfly knife and she only stabs zombie when they walk/trip into the knife.

Subtext-When they are close to the walkers they are staring death in the eye, face to face, because this world is so horrible and children don't have childhoods anymore.  

Wicket-You know that, that subtext is covered every episode, you can stop demonstrating how horrible this world is, there are zombies, everyone knows it sucks.

Pacing-Guys we are moving to fast, this episode only needs to focus on Rick being not crazy anymore.

Wicket-Why did you make him crazy three episodes ago if you were going to have an episode where he realizes he shouldn't be crazy anymore.  This episode does not advance the overall story at all, it is an episode solely focused on correcting a character fault established three episodes ago.

Pacing-Great point, he needs to be crazy for at least 7 more episodes.

Wicket-Ok so the governor is the main attraction this season his struggle with Rick's group is the overall story arc.

Zombie Gore-Oh my god I'm so bored.

Wicket-How did he get/keep his job?

Not a Woman-He made up Daryl, he got lucky.

Zombie Gore-I didn't get lucky, he has a crossbow, it is science.

Pacing-Slow down guys.

Subtext-So he continues to be crazy, but he has a child, his child has to raise himself, in this world children are their own parents.

Wicket-I am leaving.

That was long ago in season 3 before everything changed and Walking Dead became good again..........complete lie it may be worse than ever before.  Amazingly I was invited back to help them with their 2nd half of the 4th season.  The writers groups added a person I will call Cocky.

Wicket-So what happened with the mid-season finale?  It was basically the 3rd season finale but better.

Zombie Gore-Told you it was better than that weak ass finale.

Subtext-We were trying to show that living people are more dangerous than the dead ones.

Wicket-I think that is literally a line from a previous show.  You know it is not subtext if it is spoken right?

Subtext-So you are telling me I need to make it less apparent?

Wicket-Or just stop.

Cocky-It does not really matter what we do.  We have zombies and everyone watches our show.  We have a fucking talk show that follows our show.

Wicket-So why didn't you just end the 3rd season like you did the middle of the 4th.  That way you had the whole 4th season to cover new ground instead of only half a season.

Not a Woman-These writers suck.  They killed Lori and Andrea, those were characters who drove the show.

Zombie Gore-Someone slapped me and said we were sexist for portraying women as morons, I am not smart enough to be sexist so we boxed you out.

Pacing-Wait so you are saying that all those episodes about the disease and the governor were pointless?

Wicket-Extremely, you showed a redemption story for a guy who just turned back and did the exact same thing he did the prior season, only worse.  Subtext?  Thoughts?

Subtext-We were trying to show how you cannot change your natu......

Cocky-Shut the fuck up Subtext.  They fucked up people were pissed, we changed it and now we are awesome again.

Wicket-You just had a whole episode where two characters searched for alcohol.

Character Development-There was character development though, assloads of it.

Pacing-I think we may have put to much in that episode, it could have been two.

Wicket-Did you just change your name Subtext?

CD-Yes, I did.

Wicket-Dialog is not character development.  We knew Daryl was a redneck who cared about the group and the only development from the other character is I slightly remember her name now.

Cocky-I was drunk when they wrote that episode.

Zombie Gore-What about the scene where the gang is at Rick's house and he has to escape.  Tense as fuck isn't it.  Plus people die and turn into zombies.  Also, Abraham was straight murdering zombies.

Wicket-Both served no purpose other than to A. introduce a gang of bad guys I am guessing and B. ruin a mode of transportation.

CD-Oh you just wait until we develop those characters more.

Wicket-Let me guess he is some kind of muscle that will clash with Rick for leadership?

CD-.........yeah.

Wicket-So how is he different from Tyreese?

CD-........he is white.

Zombie Gore-He is going to kill a lot of people and zombies, exactly what this show needs.

Cocky-Who cares, throw a comic book character in there and people are happy for a little until they realize we are just changing things.

Wicket-I would say it is fine to veer in a completely different direction, maybe even better than just doing a word-for-word translation that way there is some suspense as to what is going to happen.  An uncertainty if you will.  You all seem to just take events from the comics and kind of do them, out of order, and stupidly.

Not a Woman-That's cause they killed all my people.  Lori and Andrea, we should bring them back in dream sequences every episode.

Pacing-Literally no one cares about either of those characters.  I kind of forgot they were characters.

Wicket-Every time you kill someone people either hate them or we knew it was going to happen.  Lori, no one liked her she was literally the dumbest character ever and a horrible mother.

Not a Woman-Every action she took is scientifically researched.  Women do not know what to do when their men are in danger, they lose all motor and cognitive control.

Subtext-So you are saying that when women love men they become almost like zombies?  Yeah, I changed my name back.

Wicket-Andrea, was somehow less intelligent than Lori.  People were starting Facebook groups begging you to kill her.  A pretty awesome character in the comics became another woman who could not make any decisions and when she did they were always wrong.

Pacing-We should of spent more time developing her and the Governor's relationship.

Wicket-No, you devoted a whole episode to her being chased by the Governor.  It was terrible.  Herschel, he just had his big episode where he saved everyone so when he was caught with Michonne we all knew he was getting the beheading that Tyreese got in the comics and we knew it would not be Michonne, people like her too much.

Subtext-That is literally how we pitched it.  I thought no one would see it coming.

Wicket-You should have just done all of that at the end of the 3rd season, then you know do something with some purpose, not just have an episode dedicated to each group where they look for alcohol, pudding, or beans for no reason.

Character Development-Dudeeeeee, character development we have to see how each character is dealing with the aftermath of the prison.

Wicket-Fine, do it after season three when you should have done the real prison showdown and then you devote one or two episodes to the group being alone and reunite them for the overall picture of season 4.........instead of dicking around for 3/4 of a season.

(Long silence)

Zombie Gore-We have to kill more zombies is what you are saying.

Wicket-Fire this guy.  He brings nothing to the table.

Cocky-It does not matter what we do, people are going to watch.  Our plot is predictable, easy to follow, and whenever it is boring we almost kill someone.  I mean you still watch.  Why do you watch it?

Wicket-I don't know, I feel like it could be so good but its not.  Good point.

Cocky-See, thats why we can write our characters to be morons, repeat whole plotlines, and slowly meander along a main story we just kind of make up using the comics.  This is a bad show, but it is a bad show with zombies and people love zombies.

Zombie Gore-That is the whole reason I have a job.


Walking Dead will continue to suck people and we will continue to watch, because is their anything on tv on Sundays until Game of Thrones?  No, there is not.

7 Ways to Make Pompeii Better

I just got back from the movie theater.  Last time I decided to write something about a movie immediately following the movie was The Bourne Legacy, which, was not good.  Not the type of bad where it is funny though.  The kind that some people really enjoy because it is so funny.  Pompeii is that kind of bad.  Honestly if you like it for its story or pretty much anything else the movie does you are stupid.  You are the Nickelback of movie audience members.  Now I genuinely wanted to see this movie because I like Game of Thrones and I was curious as to whether Kit Harrington (Jon Snow) can act.  Pootytime and Guth in Boots also came though their reasons are probably different.  I want to cover some ways this movie could have been better.

1. Ramp up the overall insanity and stupidity put not to the point where it seems like it is on purpose.  The best part of this movie is where the awesome black dude from Lost (Adewale) tosses a battle axe horizontally a good 50 yards killing a man.  I have three thoughts about this.

1. How in the hell did he see this as a viable option in his head.  
2. His weapon is massive and hard to swing fast but he tosses it with the voracity that Pootytime wants to toss a midget.
3. He snipes the guy in the middle of his chest.

It is comically retarded and when he did it I immediately was laughing quite hard.  If people were looking at me they probably did not think I was watching the same movie.  They would join in on the humor soon though.

2.  Kill the screenwriter and hide the blood with the pages of the script.  This dialog is laughably bad.  I believe this is a line between two of the male gladiator slaves.

"Tomorrow I am going to kill you and get my freedom."

"Tomorrow you will be getting your freedom because I will be killing you"

It is bad that was just a little of the exchange but pretty much every new line was twisting the previous line into some kind of reverse threat-brag.  

3.  Kill Kiefer Sutherland.  24 is badass, Jack Bauer is amazing.  Whatever Kiefer is trying to do in this movie is as far away from Jack Bauer as he could have gone.  I guess when he showed up on set he was like, "fuck it, I am doing a terrible fucking accent."  Apparently no one else was doing an accent that is different than their own.  Jared Harris, smart and British, Emily Browning, dumb and fish-like, Kit Harrington, brooding, seriously his accent is brooding.  Kiefer does the goofiest accent he possibly can.  Also, what the hell is his name, it is like Senator Voreneus Maximus Decimus Septis Clashius Volenium.  He says it a lot.

4.  Do not hint that the volcano is going to erupt like seven times, we fucking know it is going to.

5.  Make Adewale the main character and change the whole story to have nothing to do with volcanos, senators with weird accents, fish-women, and Kit Harrington doing his best impression of Ryan Gosling in Drive.  (Ryan Gosling was doing his best impression of Helen Keller during Drive)

6.  Give Kit Harrington lines to speak.  He just stares at people.  At one time the chick who looks like Flounder asks him "What do we do?"  his reply was this...............................(do you see how pretty and brooding I am)

7.  This is the best one.  It makes this movie amazing.  Do not kill Kiefer Sutherland instead, X-Men Days of Future Past his ass and send Jack Bauer's consciousness back in time into his ancestor's body.  (This should be the next Assassin's Creed game)  He is deep undercover in the Roman political system to uncover some kind betrayal or corruption and goes to Pompeii to kill some people or torture them.  Adewale and Jon Snow are CTU agents in the past helping him find the corruption.  Ole Fish-Face can be the pointless daughter so for 30 minutes of this movie she is being chased by a wolf or a minotaur, twist though, she dies crazy early for no reason.  Stupid romantic plot is dissolved.  Jared Harris is British and therefore perfect to be the villain.  All the evidence against him is stored around Pompeii when Jack Bauer finds this out Harris plans on setting off a nuclear bomb inside the volcano to take out Pompeii.  So the best things are still intact, Adewale, battle axe sniping, and volcano rock brainings.  Pretty much everything stays intact you just re-film all of Kiefer's lines.  It would be awesome.