Things we should expect from the new Transformers movie

The United States government will be hiding something

Despite the Autobots saving the planet three times before, the U.S. government will probably be hiding something very important from Optimus and the rest of the Autobots. Even though the corrupt alien organization has been closed and the Chicago businessman who holds on to alien clients like collectible McDonalds beenie babies has been stopped, some group of individuals will be trying to cover something important up. This person or group of individuals will somehow attract the attention of the evil decepticons, who will probably be ruled by..........

Some new evil robot.
Undoubtedly, some new evil being will be leading a new force of decepticons. This new, never before heard of robot, will be more powerful than any previous enemy the Autobots have faced. Even though Megatron was the "Harbinger of Death" in the first movie, he was quickly replaced by some douche with a metal beard called The Fallen. Even though The Fallen was said to be the most powerful evil being in the universe, he died quicker than most drug abusing celebrities. Finally Sentinel, a rogue Autobot, came on to the scene and vanished quicker than Joe Pa in the hospital. We can only assume that the writers will come up with some new pathetic excuse for a villain.

A new shape will be introduced as an all powerful object

The first movie was dominated by the search for The Cube, the second movie featured the search for the Bent Glowing Handlebar, and the third movie was ruled by The Pill! The fourth installment in the series will probably revolve around the search for the source of the McRibs' pleasure, even though it should focus on the introduction of a plot. Nonetheless, some stupid small object will be of extreme importance for both the Autobots and the Decepticons, and it will serve as the main basis of the story.


Optimus Prime will get his ass kicked

Optimus gets his ass handed to him by a fare share of enemies in the firth three movies. Megatron whoops him in the first movie, kills him in the second movie, and Sentinel beats him worse than Chris Brown beat Rihanna in the third film. Nonetheless, Optimus  will probably be saved by either Shila Shit or because the Transformer ransacking his corpse ran out of gas.

Spoons

Where the fuck are my spoons? You know how to drive someone crazy over two months? Gradually steal an item that, while has no value, is integral to their lives. Spoons help me eat cereal and somehow we are down to one. One of like fucking twelve that we had at one time. Either they are all in Ghost Roommate's room or someone is stealing them one by one. Think if this item was rather important. Like if it was my pen, which I am very particular about, and someone stole them. I would flip the fuck out. They no longer sell my pens unless you order them by the box. Like a Costco version of a pen package. Probably like ten dollars for 8 million pens because Costco is all about overkill.

So when you gradually start to lose something it starts out funny. You hypothesize on insane stories, like gnomes stealing them, or hobos wandering in your house and taking them, and these stories are made just to make someone laugh until.......you lose more spoons. Then these stories become slightly possible. I fully believe that little fucking gnomes are stealing my spoons to build some shrine to their deity or like a super weapon that makes more spoons. As of the last time I tried to eat cereal, there were no spoons. Also, there were no more plastic spoons from our New Years party. So.....I washed a plastic spoon. I felt poor, dirty, and slightly resourceful but I want to know where my spoons are. We cleaned the whole damn house and guess what? No spoons were found. I eat less cereal because I know that we have no spoons, my diet consist of foods that can be eaten with forks, and we have a shit ton of forks. Whoever is stealing our spoons (gnomes, ghosts, cute animals from Pixar movies, or demonic toys from Pixar movies) may leave forks behind like it was a trade. WELL I DO NOT FUCKING AGREE WITH THIS TRADE. YOU ARE NOT THE YANKEES OR RED SOX YOU CANNOT JUST GIVE US CRAP AND IN RETURN EXPECT MAJESTIC UTENSILS THAT CAN HOLD LIQUID. WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY SPOONS?

I ate cereal this morning with a 1 tablespoon measuring....ugh...spoon. It was difficult and sad. You can fit like one corn flake into a tablespoon. So after like three bites your corn flakes have turned into mush they ate during the depression. Fuck the depression, our economy sucks but I still eat like a king. All cereal that is good for you is soggy in seven seconds so you have to ingest it in like six, but I cannot do that because I lack the apparatus necessary to eat cereal.

So next time you come to Nanner Manor if you do not have money for beer, I will gladly except spoons as payment. The alternative is building spoons because I am far to cheap and angry about the disappearance that I refuse to buy more.

If just one, then none

Spring Break is quickly approaching, and my friends and I are soon going to face the realization that we so far only have one female attending. For some groups this may not be a huge problem, because lets face it, one is better than none right? WRONG! We'd rather have a ComiCon sized sausage-fest because......

A competition is going to happen. It doesn't take a scholar to realize that the laws of scarcity are going to be at work here. Due to high levels of testosterone, the men are going to try and earn the favor of the lone woman by grunting loudly and displaying their superior drinking abilities. The injection of inhuman amounts of alcohol into the equation means that the winner has probably punched his ticket to pound-town. Which means that.........

The Loser or Losers are probably going to be very angry. I usually fall into this category because I do not take losing well. Generally my solution to said problem is to get as fucked up as humanly possible. This course of action usually leads to me hating everyone, especially Wicket,  and not even liking myself. These types of actions can lead to ..........

Internal disunity. The men will be squabbling amongst themselves like catty bitches on a midnight dating show. Pranks will be pulled, and people will be harshly insulted. The only thing that ends more comraderies is a friendly game of RISK, because everyone knows backstabbing will occur, but they are never prepared for it.

While all this is happening..........

The winner will be a verifiable deity. Having hooked up with the only chick on vacation gives him the right talk shit to the losers and then rub their faces in it. However, depending on how much booze was consumed prior to the initial hookup, one of three things could happen:

1.) The relationship could grow and flourish into something that lasts. Not likely. How many lasting relationship stories begin with "we both blacked out and had irrational drunk sex"? The answer is, not many. Generally both parties wish the sins of that night could be washed away with more drinking, but sorry, they can't.

2.) The relationship could be a complete disaster from the beginning. Kind of like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

or....

3. ) The relationship could be marginally successful, but failure in the end, is inevitable. Wickett will probably journey down this path. His friend based sex system looks good in theory, but it is about as stable as Enron riding a pogo stick. This means that eventually its going to collapse like a card house in the wind. Thus, it is going to get quite awkward for........

Everyone in the house. The shattered egos and confidences of the inhabitants are going to come together into one huge explosion. This will probably result in the death of a member. Most likely Yani, because he will not be anyway involved, but his constant violin playing will make him an easy and satisfying target.

Prologue:The Death of Fred Flap Neck and The Cult of Red Kroger

Fred Flap Neck. Age, old as fuck. Owner and creator of the Red Kroger company died last night. He woke up complaining about head pain and then his brain promptly exploded. His wife exclaimed, well she would have but she died during the black death like the rest of Fred's generation. After escaping the Black Death, Vag Neck journeyed to America to start his life by opening some business that by luck, turned into some mega-store, somehow. Those details are not important, how he went from whatever to successful business man is lame. How he went from guy who owns shop to cult leader is much more interesting.

I'm guessing he either decided he was a god since he survived the wars(Crusades, I, Clone, II, etc.) and used to hang out with Jesus or he just wanted to bang lots of middle aged poor employees. The first is more likely because when Flappy was born his neck was ninety and women found him to be as attractive as a male version of Sarah Jessica Parker, which, I know for a fact, is a horse. Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse, or an old burnt shoe. I find her to be one of the most repulsive things on this planet, I don't believe in god because she exists. Why would anyone do that on purpose and then let them be famous? The cult was easily formed because Old Neck made every sla....team member go through intensive training. During my training Red Kroger said "some people have integrity, like Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, and Flap Neck. Red Kroger compared their former small business owner(now cult leader, well not now, cause of the whole dead thing) to a man who was president and instrumental in ending slavery, a man who fought for African-American rights, and the 1st president of the USA, respectively. He opened a fucking mega store and pays his employees minimum wage, while he summons some kind of dark shit in the undercroft of your local Meijer.

The Cult of Red Kroger is devoted to keeping Fred Flap Neck alive. So I am guessing they had a plan for this. Some kind of dark ritual that they revive him so he can pay me child labor rates to do a job that a robot will soon do. I assume reviving Flap Neck is a lot like reviving Voldemort. First they must take something from.....the guy that killed him or some shit. So they have to go find Father Time and rip his collarbone out. Then they need some flesh from the servent given willingly. Red Kroger will probably have a meeting with some lower level employees, willingly they walk in the room and promptly die, either from lava under the floor or they just said fuck it I work at Red Kroger my life is not going anywhere and they just went with it. Lastly, I think, they need something from the father, since the father was some kind of neanderthal that would be impossible. You have to take into consideration that Flap neck because of his unusually long lifespan either A) has clones or B) can time travel. If there is clones he probably has a frozen clone father to harvest from, if there is time travel he can just go back to a time where he was already born rip off his ear or something and bam he is back alive. Also, I forgot he needs a new brain since his brain is the consistency of oatmeal. They would probably just take his son out Hank Flap since he is a very willing member of the cult.

Well......fuck that. This totally plausible scenario has to be going down and I am going to stop it because I hate Red Kroger, plus, I am pretty fucking bored.

Why I hate the hippie BG salesman

One thing that really irks me about the college community is their propensity to make stupid, retarded purchases. Why everyone thinks it is essential to have a northface hoodie is beyond me. It is a fucking jacket that serves the same purpose as the other 4 million types of jackets out there. It isn’t made from the winged rams golden fleece and it certainly doesn’t make you look any more rad or hip. It’s a huge waste of money. It is almost as unnecessary as one of Enrons purchases. Another stupid fad that needs to die is this fucking rash Yuengling purchases. We get it, it’s new to the area. Does that mean an entire college population needs to change their choice of alcoholic beverage? No, it doesn’t. Sure it tastes better then the original beverage of choice, natty light, but it is a terrible value. College students are always bitching about money, so why go out and buy a 12 pack for $11 when you can get a 30 stack for $14? I am no Adam Smith, but my economics is good enough to know that the value just isn’t there. (on a side note, I really would like people to stop buying Yuengling  because I have to repeatedly stock it at work) But back to the real thing that pisses me off, the hippie salesman at BG.

If you have ever set foot on a college campus during the fall and winter months, then you know what I am talking about. Some hippie, who by no means attends the university, sets up shop in front of a campus building. They play shitty music, dress like a sixties rug couch, and try to get you to buy their crappy merchandise. Not only does their establishment resemble a rundown Bangladeshi street merchant shop, but they also haggle with you about the price like some gypsy from Granada.  They justify their price by saying that their product is one of a kind. Really, because it looks like you have a hundred of the same one under the table shitbasket.  They also try and get you to waste your money on the one Bob Marley poster that seems to exist or on some sort of stupid plant that they swear has some kind of miracle healing powers. Overall these people suck. These hippies have the worst hair, smell like shit and stale weed, and are the worse salesmen I have ever met. Why people spend $20 on some crappy hat and then another $20 on some shitty gloves just blows my mind. Where can you get a hat that looks exactly the same either free or next to nothing? From your grandma.  Trust me, it’s a requirement for all old women to know how to knit, and if you ask them, I’m sure that they will knit you a hat or some gloves. (that is unless they are like Fred SnatchThroat, then you may be out of luck) Your grandmas frail fingers might start to bleed in the process, but that’s what gives the gloves their one of a kind color. Buying anything from these people is about as economically smart as buying another dry erase board when the house you live in already has three.

Lacrosse (and Quidditch)

I have to teach a class of my peers for an assignment in one of my classes. I have to teach lacrosse, probably the the sport I wanted the 2nd least. Ultimate frisbee, badminton, handball, floor hockey, fuck even soccer would have sufficed. The only one I did not want to teach? Pickle-ball. Yeah, this sport actually demands a hyphen, it says so on my assignment sheet. Now I do not know what pickle ball is but it sounds about as senseless and moronic as people playing physically possible Quidditch.

If you have never seen people actual play Qudditch outside of the Harry Potter universe, you should. They actually use brooms and shit, they just crudely shove the brooms between their legs and then meander around holding a volleyball(Which is probably decorated like an actual Quidditch ball, never underestimate a nerd's ability to pay attention to detail), like Paris Hilton looking for a block of cheese in that maze that she is most likely stuck in right now. They also have the snitch which they promptly shove near their snatch or ass. That last sentence has a great ring to it. Someone runs around with the ball in between their legs while others try to grab it out with their hands. It is exactly as creepy as it sounds. The only thing that actually works with Quidditch when you cannot fly due to gravity and living in a non-fiction world is the three rings. Baseketball and Rollerball translate much better from shitty cinematic sports to actual sports. Back to lacrosse.

I have to teach Lacrosse in class though, blasphemy, I was far too poor during my early formative years and my school was far to urban (at or below 50% white people) to actually have lacrosse offered in my schooling career. So not only was my economic status not high enough, but I did not live in an area that was occupied by majestic fields that are mowed by full-time lawnists and sub-divisions that are ran like small dictatorships. Everything I know about lacrosse I learned from Blue Mountain State, so I also do not have the flow (hair) to play the sport. I know about as much about lacrosse as DJ Qualls knows about the inside of a gym. Luckily the internet exists and anything I want to know can be google searched. How the hell did students do assignments without the internet?

Since Iron Man is going to be in another movie in the near future, I felt it necessary to repost this

Iron Man II in a Nutshell


First off I have never seen the first iron man movie, so I can not draw comparisons to it. I have however seen something in movies that is very important, a good plot. And this movie has none. Actually I have seen pornos with better better plot and character development. Iron Man II is basically 2 hours and 4 minutes of shit with a few parts of cool action scattered in. This movie has so many dumb and obvious references that it could be categorized as slightly better than Gigli and From Justin to Kelly.

The movie begins with two Russian guys sitting around drinking vodka. ( a real surprise right?) The older, father figure, is apparently a mad scientist. (Russian connection, I think so) The younger Russian, who looks  similar to Igor Karkaroff from the harry potter movie, is talking to his father, who is apparently dying from a combination of old age and drinking to much Popov. The elderly father figures dies lying lazily in a chair, whispering nonsense about forgotten knowledge to his son. After the uneventful, boring, and least badass death of a mad scientist ever, the younger terrorist looking son takes initiative. Even though he looks like a gitmo detainee, he starts looking over hieroglyphs, graphs and other shit his dad left behind for him. Apparently this is the knowledge of the ancients that will lead him to the promised land, but Im not sure. After what can be described as one hour of studying, Igor begins to building a fucking robot suit/transformer in his garage.  (remember his dad was the mad scientist  , not him) Please, the man is basically a bum who ends up taking a battery, a light bulb, and a pop can and turns them into a bionic suit/ optimus prime 2.0. Well through hours of research and political sacrifice, I have determined that this is what Neil is trying to build in his upstairs somewhere, a fucking terminator of some sorts. Eventually the light bulb/ pop can combo ends up yielding a machine/suit that somewhat resembles a electromagnetic squid.

Now as for Robert Downey Jr, the main character, he is busy getting drunk and banging. Despite his recent movie success, Sherlock Holmes and Tropic Thunder, his presence alone was not enough to save the movie for me. His life during the move basically consists of drinking heavily, banging, drinking, and saving the world when he has a hot second of free time. The U.S. Govt eventually realizes, after a few years, that I.M.(iron man) is basically a god and should be worshiped. The U.S. Govt, which has been sticking it to the citizens for years, doesnt want to get off its high horse. The senator in charge, who has the same retarded/ugly lips as the poker player Phil Hellmuth, wants to bring I.M. down. So he promotes some dipshit named hammer to due him in. Hammer tries to put I.M. in his place, but he slams his dick on the door and fails miserably. I.M. wins the crowd thus he automatically wins the argument. (its a proven fact) Not to be outdone, hammer decides to make his vendetta with I.M. a dick measuring contest, which he vows to win.

During the course of the movie, the audience learns that I.M is dying. Who would have known that having a huge hole is your fucking chest was bad for your health. Apparently it avoided the minds of 22nd century doctors. Even though he is dying, I.M wants to prove how big his dick is by driving in an Indy car race. Sounds like a good idea but Igor whatshisface appears halfway through the race and shit hits the fan. Vodka man starts fuckin shit up until I.M  decides that playtime is over and breaks his garage sale toys in half. Igor, yeah I know his real name is Ivan, is thrown in jail and questioned by I.M. Dickface tells some fairy tale about I.M.'s father stealing some research from him and his father. But Downey realizes that he and his family were Americans so therefore they can do whatever the fuck they want.

Hammer decides that the only way his is going to win this dick measuring contest is by teaming up with Stalin AKA Igor. He breaks him out of prison using a complicated costume and some out of the box made potatoes. Hammer hires Igor to make him him some transformers in an attempt to prove that he indeed has a bigger penis than I.M.

Whilst this shabang is happening, I.M is busy getting drunk at his birthday party when some random black guy (every movie has one) decides to jack his shit (AKA another iron man suit). How surprising that the black man has to steal the shit, way to be racist Paramount pictures.  The two proceed to have what can be described as a poorly choreographed dance with the attempt to display dominance towards the females at the party. Eventually they point their palms at each other, GAY, and unleash their ultimate moves. Downey eventually loses bc he is 37 beers deep and colonel blackman escapes with his suit, which he gives to the U.S army.

Nothing important happens for a good half hour....except some colorful strawberries are bought and a car is driven fast.

Samuel L. Jackson appears in his 1,478,928th movie as some secret agent. He gives I.M some old ass blueprints that look like the dead sea scrolls, that apparently hold some important power.  I.M realizes that the secret power of the triangle was kept secret in some shitty replica of a town that his father built. Da  Ding!! by looking at the crappy model, I.M discovers some new element that looks conspicuously like the death star. Using this knowledge, I.M changes the shape on the front of his suit/chest from a circle to a triangle. Thus apparently making him 180 degrees of sheer badassness and stops I.M from slowly dying. (apparently changing a shape gives you more superhuman powers)

Hammerman is flaunting the size of his dick by showing some of the G.I. Joes that the pirates of the Caribbean looking Igor has made for him, at a festival when I.M appears again to steal his thunder. Igor uses this time to Judas the situation by turning the G.I Joe robots evil. (who didn't see this guy being the main villain, I sure didn't) Igor begins to control the 20 or so robots using a single keyboard without a mouse. Since it isnt even possible to play the game Flight simulator with just a keyboard I find this unbelievable. Anyways he attacks I.M and they begin to fly around new york city, with the random black guy as the confederate leader.

During all of this Scarlett Johanssom infiltrates Igors fortress using moves only seen in the matrix and the kill bill movies. Only to discover that Igor is flying his own transformer to fight I.M.

Colonel random is eventually freed from the control of Igor and helps I.M eliminate the drone machines almost effortlessly. (really if this scene was supposed to make the movie, they failed miserably) Eventually they team up to face Igor in the ultimate showdown. Igor using his whips of justice ends up kicking the shit out of the two bionic commandos. In a last ditch effort to win I.M and his faithful comrade point palms at each other yet again, just like earlier, and unleash their final attack. Still GAY. Apparently this attack is more powerful than MOAB bc it turns Igor into what can be descried as the tin man.

End of movie...complete and utter disappointment.

*I understand that this may upset some people who probably found this movie entertaining, but if you are one of these people, you are truly wrong. This movie just sucked. Im not sure if it was the 6 beers I drank prior to watching this but I basically laughed the whole way through. Great job of turning another superhero into a teletubby. The only super hero movie worse than this was the first incredible hulk movie and the third spiderman.. I would almost rather watch Master and Commander than this movie but I cant bring myself to watch the atrocity again for a second time.