Iron Man II in a Nutshell
First off I have never seen the first iron man movie, so I can not draw comparisons to it. I have however seen something in movies that is very important, a good plot. And this movie has none. Actually I have seen pornos with better better plot and character development. Iron Man II is basically 2 hours and 4 minutes of shit with a few parts of cool action scattered in. This movie has so many dumb and obvious references that it could be categorized as slightly better than Gigli and From Justin to Kelly.
The movie begins with two Russian guys sitting around drinking vodka. ( a real surprise right?) The older, father figure, is apparently a mad scientist. (Russian connection, I think so) The younger Russian, who looks similar to Igor Karkaroff from the harry potter movie, is talking to his father, who is apparently dying from a combination of old age and drinking to much Popov. The elderly father figures dies lying lazily in a chair, whispering nonsense about forgotten knowledge to his son. After the uneventful, boring, and least badass death of a mad scientist ever, the younger terrorist looking son takes initiative. Even though he looks like a gitmo detainee, he starts looking over hieroglyphs, graphs and other shit his dad left behind for him. Apparently this is the knowledge of the ancients that will lead him to the promised land, but Im not sure. After what can be described as one hour of studying, Igor begins to building a fucking robot suit/transformer in his garage. (remember his dad was the mad scientist , not him) Please, the man is basically a bum who ends up taking a battery, a light bulb, and a pop can and turns them into a bionic suit/ optimus prime 2.0. Well through hours of research and political sacrifice, I have determined that this is what Neil is trying to build in his upstairs somewhere, a fucking terminator of some sorts. Eventually the light bulb/ pop can combo ends up yielding a machine/suit that somewhat resembles a electromagnetic squid.
Now as for Robert Downey Jr, the main character, he is busy getting drunk and banging. Despite his recent movie success, Sherlock Holmes and Tropic Thunder, his presence alone was not enough to save the movie for me. His life during the move basically consists of drinking heavily, banging, drinking, and saving the world when he has a hot second of free time. The U.S. Govt eventually realizes, after a few years, that I.M.(iron man) is basically a god and should be worshiped. The U.S. Govt, which has been sticking it to the citizens for years, doesnt want to get off its high horse. The senator in charge, who has the same retarded/ugly lips as the poker player Phil Hellmuth, wants to bring I.M. down. So he promotes some dipshit named hammer to due him in. Hammer tries to put I.M. in his place, but he slams his dick on the door and fails miserably. I.M. wins the crowd thus he automatically wins the argument. (its a proven fact) Not to be outdone, hammer decides to make his vendetta with I.M. a dick measuring contest, which he vows to win.
During the course of the movie, the audience learns that I.M is dying. Who would have known that having a huge hole is your fucking chest was bad for your health. Apparently it avoided the minds of 22nd century doctors. Even though he is dying, I.M wants to prove how big his dick is by driving in an Indy car race. Sounds like a good idea but Igor whatshisface appears halfway through the race and shit hits the fan. Vodka man starts fuckin shit up until I.M decides that playtime is over and breaks his garage sale toys in half. Igor, yeah I know his real name is Ivan, is thrown in jail and questioned by I.M. Dickface tells some fairy tale about I.M.'s father stealing some research from him and his father. But Downey realizes that he and his family were Americans so therefore they can do whatever the fuck they want.
Hammer decides that the only way his is going to win this dick measuring contest is by teaming up with Stalin AKA Igor. He breaks him out of prison using a complicated costume and some out of the box made potatoes. Hammer hires Igor to make him him some transformers in an attempt to prove that he indeed has a bigger penis than I.M.
Whilst this shabang is happening, I.M is busy getting drunk at his birthday party when some random black guy (every movie has one) decides to jack his shit (AKA another iron man suit). How surprising that the black man has to steal the shit, way to be racist Paramount pictures. The two proceed to have what can be described as a poorly choreographed dance with the attempt to display dominance towards the females at the party. Eventually they point their palms at each other, GAY, and unleash their ultimate moves. Downey eventually loses bc he is 37 beers deep and colonel blackman escapes with his suit, which he gives to the U.S army.
Nothing important happens for a good half hour....except some colorful strawberries are bought and a car is driven fast.
Samuel L. Jackson appears in his 1,478,928th movie as some secret agent. He gives I.M some old ass blueprints that look like the dead sea scrolls, that apparently hold some important power. I.M realizes that the secret power of the triangle was kept secret in some shitty replica of a town that his father built. Da Ding!! by looking at the crappy model, I.M discovers some new element that looks conspicuously like the death star. Using this knowledge, I.M changes the shape on the front of his suit/chest from a circle to a triangle. Thus apparently making him 180 degrees of sheer badassness and stops I.M from slowly dying. (apparently changing a shape gives you more superhuman powers)
Hammerman is flaunting the size of his dick by showing some of the G.I. Joes that the pirates of the Caribbean looking Igor has made for him, at a festival when I.M appears again to steal his thunder. Igor uses this time to Judas the situation by turning the G.I Joe robots evil. (who didn't see this guy being the main villain, I sure didn't) Igor begins to control the 20 or so robots using a single keyboard without a mouse. Since it isnt even possible to play the game Flight simulator with just a keyboard I find this unbelievable. Anyways he attacks I.M and they begin to fly around new york city, with the random black guy as the confederate leader.
During all of this Scarlett Johanssom infiltrates Igors fortress using moves only seen in the matrix and the kill bill movies. Only to discover that Igor is flying his own transformer to fight I.M.
Colonel random is eventually freed from the control of Igor and helps I.M eliminate the drone machines almost effortlessly. (really if this scene was supposed to make the movie, they failed miserably) Eventually they team up to face Igor in the ultimate showdown. Igor using his whips of justice ends up kicking the shit out of the two bionic commandos. In a last ditch effort to win I.M and his faithful comrade point palms at each other yet again, just like earlier, and unleash their final attack. Still GAY. Apparently this attack is more powerful than MOAB bc it turns Igor into what can be descried as the tin man.
End of movie...complete and utter disappointment.
*I understand that this may upset some people who probably found this movie entertaining, but if you are one of these people, you are truly wrong. This movie just sucked. Im not sure if it was the 6 beers I drank prior to watching this but I basically laughed the whole way through. Great job of turning another superhero into a teletubby. The only super hero movie worse than this was the first incredible hulk movie and the third spiderman.. I would almost rather watch Master and Commander than this movie but I cant bring myself to watch the atrocity again for a second time.
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