So when you gradually start to lose something it starts out funny. You hypothesize on insane stories, like gnomes stealing them, or hobos wandering in your house and taking them, and these stories are made just to make someone laugh until.......you lose more spoons. Then these stories become slightly possible. I fully believe that little fucking gnomes are stealing my spoons to build some shrine to their deity or like a super weapon that makes more spoons. As of the last time I tried to eat cereal, there were no spoons. Also, there were no more plastic spoons from our New Years party. So.....I washed a plastic spoon. I felt poor, dirty, and slightly resourceful but I want to know where my spoons are. We cleaned the whole damn house and guess what? No spoons were found. I eat less cereal because I know that we have no spoons, my diet consist of foods that can be eaten with forks, and we have a shit ton of forks. Whoever is stealing our spoons (gnomes, ghosts, cute animals from Pixar movies, or demonic toys from Pixar movies) may leave forks behind like it was a trade. WELL I DO NOT FUCKING AGREE WITH THIS TRADE. YOU ARE NOT THE YANKEES OR RED SOX YOU CANNOT JUST GIVE US CRAP AND IN RETURN EXPECT MAJESTIC UTENSILS THAT CAN HOLD LIQUID. WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY SPOONS?
I ate cereal this morning with a 1 tablespoon measuring....ugh...spoon. It was difficult and sad. You can fit like one corn flake into a tablespoon. So after like three bites your corn flakes have turned into mush they ate during the depression. Fuck the depression, our economy sucks but I still eat like a king. All cereal that is good for you is soggy in seven seconds so you have to ingest it in like six, but I cannot do that because I lack the apparatus necessary to eat cereal.
So next time you come to Nanner Manor if you do not have money for beer, I will gladly except spoons as payment. The alternative is building spoons because I am far to cheap and angry about the disappearance that I refuse to buy more.
Ah yes, the classic spoon dilemma...you don't appreciate them until they're gone. Perhaps you're dependance on spoons has gotten you into this predicament in the first place. Consider a quote from Einstein : "We cannot solve our problems at the same level of thinking which existed when the problem was created." So for you to fix this problem, you must transcend your usual thought process and enter a new and perhaps frightening realm of existence.
ReplyDeleteFirst, ask yourself the question of why you need spoons so desperately in the first place. After all, spoons are not food themselves, rather they are utensils used to make eating food easier. This person or gnome who has made your life more difficult by stealing your spoons obviously wants to prevent you from eating as easily as you could be, so the only solution is to trick that person or gnome into believing you can eat just as easily without a spoon. By eating your cereal with a fork, you indirectly could get more enjoyment out of it by eating simply the cereal itself first, thus preserving more milk for you to drink once the cereal has been consumed. Once this person or gnome sees the newfound level of satisfaction your new eating habit has given you, they will have no choice but to start stealing your forks and replacing them with spoons.
Scoff at this idea if you must, but this is a mission that will require all of the subtleties and stealth of a perfectly executed bank heist. Trickery is the name of the game, my friend, and this endeavor will test your strength and perseverance both mentally and physically.
A test of one's character is something that we all must confront at certain points at in our lives. Why does man venture into the wilderness when the comfort and warmth of his home is surely the more desirable option? It's not because he wants to sleep using a tree trunk as his pillow or wants to wipe his ass with a leaf, it's because of the innate question that we all have inside of ourselves regarding our ability to survive amongst our fellow beast. Do I have the willpower to make it through this journey and who will I be once I've made it to the other side?
So tread lightly, dear wicket, this thief has made an attempt to test your manhood and it's up to you as to how you proceed. Though maintaining a level of deception sufficient enough to get back your spoons may prove difficult at first, by keeping a cool head you will eventually get what your heart desires and return a better man at the end of your quest. I wish you the best of luck.