The 10:30 A.M Showing Of Fast & Furious 6

Alright......so this is the 6th but 5th chronologically.  So the first 3 were made, and then there is the prequel (to the 3rd) trilogy (4,5, and 6) and now the 7th (out next year) is after the 3rd.....sound like something?

Fast & Furious Saga is Star Wars, at least in terms of how the movies happened.  I have not connected plot points yet but it is very possible, I already explained how Fast Five is Ocean's 11, I am sure I could find similarities.



The audience clearly viewed this movie as a serious form of entertainment.  My brother and I laughed at the parts that were comically ridiculous while others gasped with relief that Vin Diesel is essentially Superman.  The only way to kill him is with a Kryptonite car, fire and metal do nothing to him.  The following section has spoilers.....do we call them spoilers......or......I don't think they are spoilers.  But I am literally going to explain this plot. (?)

So as you know because you read my previous post or you for some reason watch these movies for enjoyment, Michelle Rodriguez is alive and The Rock and Eva Mendez are going after her and her boss.  Well, Eva Mendez's only job task I guess is to give people photos because she is nowhere to be found in this movie.  The Rock gets a name out of some henchman by questioning (he immediately beats the shit out of him before he even asks a question) him.  A new bad guy has arrived.

And he is actually a bad guy in this movie.  Also, in an attempt to make me actually like this movie they casted someone who is a licensed actor in Luke Evans.  He is a former SAS guy who makes Indy cars into impervious machines of chaos.  His plans are more nefarious than the other bad guys of this saga.  He is stealing separate parts to make a device that knocks out communication of a country so he can sell it.  The Rock lets you know this is bad by saying it could kill millions of people.  He has guns that can take control of cars, like body snatching machine, machine guns.

To break it down lets go over the bad guys.  My brother could only name who two of them were and what they did to make them bad guys.

The Fast & The Furious- Vin Diesel in an anti-hero role.  Plan?  Step 1, steal DVD & CD players, step 2, profit.  FBI got involved.

2 Fast 2 Furious- Cole Hauser, tries to leave country with all his money, is apparently a criminal who does illegal things and likes his posse to be able to street race. FBI got involved.

Tokyo Drift- It should have been Bruce Lee, it is not, I do not know if this movie's bad guy is bad, his main influence seems to be.......I am drawing a complete blank.  The main bad guy is actually......
Zachary Ty Bryan from Home Improvement.  Plan? None.

Fast & Furious- Braga, he sells drugs and builds tunnels.  Is apparently a huge threat to the American way of life.  FBI got involved.

Fast 5- Joachim De Almeida, bad guy in everything dealing with Mexican cartels.  Is single crossed by Vin and the gang during a random job that the asshole friend from the 1st movie finds for the group of fugitives.  Apparently is pissed, has no plan other than kill people.  Fails.  RockBI gets involved.








So Luke Evans is clearly the only one of these bad guys that is actually worth worrying about which is why it is confusing that the fast and furious gang is (again) helping since they are essentially common criminals.  So updates on the characters.  Pretty much everyone is living off the money they got in the 5th movie in countries where they cannot extradite (this is explicitly stated) until The Rock comes and shows Vin the picture of Michelle Rodriguez and he promptly leaves his much hotter girlfriend from the 5th movie.  The group gets back together to catch Luke Evans who Michelle Rodriguez works for.

They finally meet up 4 minutes later and Rodriguez shoots Vin.  I am going to skip some lines here to add some intrigue.  Why is Michelle Rodriguez doing this?  Get the answer in your head now.
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She has amnesia.  The guy who shot her in the 4th decided to shoot her car (which has an 100% chance of blowing up) which explodes her into amnesia.  She is then recruited into Luke Evans group and accepts, while, I am guessing laying in a hospital bed.  I thought she would eventually exclaim, "I am undercover" but she never did, she has explosion induced amnesia until the very end of the movie but seems to pick up on references to her old life that Vin growls at her.





So Luke Evans needs one more part to complete his doomsday device and it is a computer chip which he tricks The Rock (who seems to have failed every aptitude test that he would need to take in order to get into any government agency, his only skill seems to be vicious murder) into moving so he can steal it, with his getaway car of choice being a tank.  Of course Tyrese (Bernie Mac) has a lot of one liners about this.  Luke Evans proceeds to do his best impression of Vin Diesel from Fast 5 and murder 60-70 people on the expressway by running cars over.  This is where physics and basically logic gets thrown out the window.  Tyrese's car is getting crushed by a tank,  every other car crumples immediately but Tyrese's car is apparently made out of the same thing Optimus Prime is made out of and he defies gravity to leap 6 or 7 feet forward onto a car driving at least 80 mph.  Not the most ridiculous thing that happens during this sequence.  Tyrese's transformer is used as an anchor to flip a tank, I do not know exactly if it is possible I highly doubt it.  Luke Evans seems to know though because he sends Michelle Rodriguez to release the chain connecting tank to mustang.  It is too late though, the tank flips and catapults Michelle Rodriguez between the expressways and to certain death.  I jest, Superman, opens his door and runs into the median throwing himself across the gap where he catches/tackles Michelle Rodriguez into a car.  Michelle quips "how did you know that car was going to break our fall?" Vin growls "I didn't"my brother whispers "cars break falls?"  Well if you watch Fast 5 you know Vin Diesel can rip through metal chains, so landing on cars is obviously possible.  I am also sure that at the speed he tackled her he would break her spine.

Luke Evans is caught but he has.......fucking Jordana Brewster who they just left her at home when going after a international criminal.  So The Rock (who said he does not let people go) decides that saving one person, is worth the possibility of millions of dead people as stated earlier in the film.  Luke Evans leaves, Carano is a double agent, (why did she fight Michelle rodriguez earlier) and the second they leave, the crew leaves after them.  Luke Evans does not kill Walker's wife in order to get an 8 second lead.  This of course leads to a car fight against a plane on the longest airstrip known to man.  The scene is no less than 30 minutes long, and say the cars are going 80 miles an hour (probably faster these cars idle at 70) using math that I may have made up for this post that airstrip is 40 miles long, and it has more room to it.  Ugh Liu Kang's girlfriend (whose solution to every problem is, be slut) falls off a car and dies after she saves him by air sniping a guy.  She pulls off a shot with a handgun that can only happen in Halo.  There is a ridiculous fight between White Rock and The Rock Diesel, Carano and Rodriguez, Walker and Evans, Evans and Diesel, and White Rock and Rock, which all feature acrobatic jump punches.  During this time the others are engaging in car-fu.  Vin Diesel escapes death comically by exploding out of car (most likely with the help of NOS Energy drink) and then immediately worrying his friends by rolling the car over no less than 40 times.  There was nothing in the way, all he had to do was NOS it and it would have been fine.  NOS makes everything fine, they put it on open wounds to heal themselves.  Also, on a final note, Ludacris should work for the government in some capacity he can do anything with computers, he should be The Rock's boss.  He is behind the plan in Live Free Or Die Hard, linking Die Hard, Fast and the Furious, and Friday Night Lights.

The best part though.  They move the story line past Tokyo Drift to make the sequel trilogy.  And guess who actually kills Liu Kang in Tokyo Drift..........
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Fucking Jason Statham.

The Fast & The Furious Saga or Fast & Furious Saga

Okay, I am watching Fast Five, I think I will be able to keep up with the story and type at the same time.  The writers do not exactly seem to be the most intellectual people.  Also, they do not seem to be the same people from movie to movie.  Chris Morgan has wrote the 4th and 5th, I will get into the names of the actual movies later, it is confusing, probably the most difficult part of the saga to understand.  First I am going to rank these movies from a serious perspective, then just by how much I enjoyed them, and then I will break them down with a review of each.  This is going to be long.

1. Fast Five-I have only watched 10 minutes but the Rock just shot a guy with his own gun 17 times, stabbed a guy in the throat with a knife, and then violently snapped a man's neck, after he jumped through a wall like hulk and then jumped off a building.

2. Fast & Furious- This is the 4th one, I had to check 5 times because the only difference between the titles of the 1st and 4th is the addition of the before fast and furious.  This one is second because it does not revolve around the extremely stupid world of underground street racing, they start to transition to action during this one.  It also brings us back to the old cast of the first one revisiting plot lines that......there are no plot lines.

3. Tokyo Drift- The oldest asshole son from Home Improvement plays a dick head jock in the beginning of this movie.  You know this because he wears his letterman jacket in 95 degree weather in Alabama.  This is probably the best racing movie of the 6 (I am already counting the one that comes out Friday) as there are no heists of trucks or trains.  That being said,  this movie sucks.

4. The Fast & The Furious- This movie has aged terribly.  It was never good anyway.  Paul Walker has acting ability on par with Stevie Wonder's ability to read a book and drive a car at the same time.

5. 2 Fast 2 Furious- Electricity damping ray guns, Tyrese and Paul Walker are essentially buddy cops, Eva Mendez is forced to show her stomach at all times and as usual I am convinced she is a robot, (she is a latino and has not had 6 babies left, unheard of) and FBI agents wear Hawaiian party shirts.  It is terrible.

In order of how much I enjoyed them.

1. 2 Fast 2 Furious- Electricity damping ray guns, Tyrese and Paul Walker are essentially buddy cops, Eva Mendez is forced to show her stomach at all times and as usual I am convinced she is a robot, (she is a latino and has not had 6 babies, unheard of) and FBI agents wear Hawaiian party shirts.  It is awesome.

2. Fast five- Now I am maybe 40 minutes through and this is the ghetto Ocean's 11.  Plus the Rock is violently orgasm-murdering (he is getting of when he kills) people as a US agent of some kind.  The character is clearly a mass murderer.

3.  Fast & Furious- Does not matter what happened in this movie, the other two are so bad that even their unintended comical moments do not make up for how boring they are.

4. Tokyo Drift- Racing scenes are cool, dialogue is terrible, story is........there.

5. The Fast & The Furious- Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez, Ja Rule, and Asian Asshole guy.  This is not a list of the worst actors ever, it is the cast of the movie.

The Fast & The Furious

Paul Walker is a cop and is a fucking plague on this world.  Vin Diesel's best role is probably in The Pacifier and I have never seen it.  This movie is about street racing, hijacking trucks, and how hot Jordana Brewster is.  Vin Diesel's crew is hijacking trucks for DVD Players and CD players and Paul Walker and his FBI buddies are trying to catch them.  Missed the joke? They are stealing DVD & CD players and the FBI is involved.  Essentially the FBI are chasing guys who are knocking off the trucks heading to Best Buy.  The interesting thing about the way they shot this movie are the 97 scenes of actors staring into the camera and not saying a word.  Drink every time that happens and there is a gear shift, you will be wasted.  Jordana Brewster also seems to be on the straight and narrow and studying for what I think could be college this is clearly the voice of reason in the series.  The Hermione of the Fast & Furious world.

2 Fast 2 Furious

Paul Walker is a street racer and has not improved his acting ability at all actually it has regressed.  There are guns in this movie that sap the electricity from cars, they are the best part of the movie.  The above picture is actually from this movie.  This movie is hilarious.  It is of the buddy criminal variety.  Also, in an interesting bit of character development Tyrese only speaks in one liners.  The basic story is that Paul Walker has decided his FBI job is not as good as his street racing hobby (logical) and then he works for the FBI (yeah) undercover, to take down a guy who really does not seem that bad other than that he is an asshole.  Eva Mendez is a mole for the Customs agent above, who does not wear a lot of clothes.  That is the extent of her character's personality.  She also shows up at one moment to warn Walker and Tyrese that they are gonna die after the job for generic asshole, in a shirt tied up up to show her belly and she is wet.  It is not raining, it seems like she slept there, and apparently her and Paul walker are in love.  All there is to show that they even are interested in each other are Walker's rape stare and Mendez looking slutty (her general disposition)   Everyone should just watch this movie because out of context this is awesome but in context it is even better.  It has fucking electric sapping trident guns.  Vastly underrated.

Toyko Drift

Mike Winchill from Friday Night Lights (before Friday Night Lights but after all the Fast & The Furious movies because Tokyo Drift is the last chronologically) is kicked out of school and moves to Tokyo with his father.  He meets Bow-Wow who is the school's got to guy to get stuff illegally and beat the shit out of.  This is a fish out of water tale, Mike Winchill learned how to drift race before he learned to throw wicked awesome spirals in I am guessing his sophmore year of high school.  This movie takes place in 2027 moving Friday Night Lights to 2029 making it a Science Fiction movie.  Racing is actually important in this movie and Paul Walker is either a cop, street racer, or clown.  One of those 3.

Fast & Furious

Paul Walker is an FBI agent.  The original cast returns to answer all the questions you had about the 2 plot lines of this saga.  1, Vin Diesel and his crew (featuring dead asian from Tokyo Drift, making this a prequel) are still boosting trucks (this time instead of DVD players they have upgraded to gasoline) instead of using their second chance to avoid jail.  2, Paul Walker has returned to being an FBI agent and apparently broke up with Jordana Brewster sometime 5 years ago.  After a dangerous truck robbing Vin leaves Michelle Rodriguez because shit got to real, she goes back to wherever they were in the 1st one and promptly gets murdered.  This sends FBI agent Walker and jobless Vin on a collision course where their goals are the same but the way they want to accomplish them is different.  Sound familiar? Yes, it does, 7 hundred movies have done it before.  They work together to take down the bad guy who built a fucking tunnel through a mountain to I think take drugs across the American-Mexican border, im not sure though the bad guys intentions are never really blatantly stated in any movie of this saga.  This tunnel he made also is extremely dangerous, they could have made it straight but it is curvy and has like false walls you have to break through and for some reason when you use it you have to get through it in 18 seconds or America is going to catch you.  After Vin and Walker take down Le Chiffre, Vin still gets arrested even though he took down this, apparent threat to America, but, the crew is going to break him out, how?  By driving the shit out of some cars.

Fast 5

Paul Walker is a fugitive.  This is Ocean's 11.  Paul Walker is George Clooney, The guy who can't speak english is the flexible oriental, Liu Kang is Brad Pitt because he is always eating things, Ludacris is apparently a technology genius so he is the nerdy guy, Tyrese is Bernie Mac, and the women are in this movie though they are all interchangeable, Vin Diesel does not fit an archetype because he cant portray anything but brooding and intense.  The movie even has Ocean's 11-esque music and heist preparation montages.  Remember in the first movie when Jordana Brewster seemed like she was studying for college, she is essentially Michelle Rodriguez now and gives no fucks about school.  The Rock also makes an appearance to inject some relevance into this movie.  His character is a US agent of some kind that is also a murdering psychopath.  Okay, plot, the crew is stealing money from a bad guy (?) who sort of framed them during a job gone bad.  A new liberty this movie takes (the other movies did not care what cars could actually do) is with physics, they are not real in this universe.  Paul Walker kills a prison bus with a sports car, Vin and Walker jump off of a car that is free falling into a ravine, (which I feel could have been avoided) Vin Diesel is fast, and Vin can successfully turn a car and attached metal safe (more like a panic room full of money) into a large flail.  Speaking of the flail, The Rock lets Vin go after he murders no less than 40 cops in an amazing display of medieval warfare with modern technology.  He decapitates a car and cop with the chain that attaches the car to the safe. In the end the crew gets rich and retires only to make another movie next year.  Oh, I did not forget about the cliffhanger, Eva Mendez (Unnecessarily) who is back after a 3 movie gap shows a file to The Rock with a picture of (gasp) Michelle Rodriguez.

Fast & Furious 6

I am going to see it at 10 A.M tomorrow and then I will post another topic.  Predictions, this movie takes place around 2020 giving Mike Winchill 7 years to get to Tokyo and 9 years to lose the Texas Division 37 A Football State Championship.  So he is in 3rd maybe 4th grade, Billingsly has already started drinking by this time.  Bow Wow is getting raped in a limo.  Want to know why I am excited

Black people can fly.

Driving a Stick Shift Car (After 8 Years of Automatic Driving)

Disclaimer, my new (I use the word new loosely, to call my car new would be to say that the fall of Rome was a little bit before I was born) car is a 1983 Mustang L because the X fell off of the car, during a time when it was fast.  To compare my car to a sprinter, picture the slowest person you know, if you know quadriplegic, that will work.  Now shoot that person in the knee, that is how fast my car is.  Someone could egg my car and I could not catch them.  Oh it is also Lime Green.

First thing I noticed is that stop signs are the absolute worst thing in the world now.  I cannot speed because of the mechanical ability of my car but I will run stop signs, especially 4 way stops.  If you are one of those people that wave people on when you are at 4 way stops, fuck you, go, you got there first, don't wave me through, if no one is stopped I am running that thing, you are making that hard and if you see me (you will know I am really fucking green) you go, or get out of your car and use two arms to wave me through before I stop.  Also if you take forever to get into the turn lane, politely go die.

For some reason shifting with authority is awesome, makes me feel bad ass.  Going from second to third is my favorite because it feels like that is the movement that car chases use to make really wide dangerous turns.  Tom Cruise in Jack Reacher shifts as hard as he runs in every movie he ever made.  Fuck down shifting.

Rolling up to a red light in Neutral and then it turns green is so rewarding, I am pretty sure people are getting angry at me because I am going like 10 miles an hour about 25 feet from where I should stop but starting a car and moving it in 1st gear is about the dumbest thing you will ever do.  Why can't the car idle and then I can shift it into 2nd gear and so on........because then life would be easy and driving would not be terrible.

Because of the 1st gear thing I will not be going to fast food restaurants a lot.  I did it today just see how it was and was just about to yell at the poor soul serving my healthy snack to catch my card and bring it out the other side with my food.  This is actually a good thing, but still kind of shitty.

The Actual Political Race of 2012 (Grand Master of Bitchin' Leadership of Nanner Manor)

Now that the president has been elected and people want to secede and shit the important political race is beginning.  Grand Master of Bitchin' Leadership of Nanner Manor must be elected by the end of December.  Everyone in the house is running except for Yanni because it is suspected that he is part of the Jewish Resistance and we all know Jews cannot hold political office or babies in this country.  His platform would consist of Pooty renting movies, never buying his own pizza, and not washing cups if he did run but because of the aforementioned connection to the Jewish Revolution he cannot run.

Pooty is running for GMBLNM (Grand Master of Bitchin' Leadership of Nanner Manor) with the intent of banning anything that does not reek of fart.  The man is adverse to poop but loves the smell of it.  Pooty's goal in life is to contaminate breathable air by himself.  Also he strongly believes in abolishing condom use as the only STD he worries about is baby which can be alleviated by pulling out or drinking excessive amounts of alcohol.  Pooty will ban condoms because raw dogging it is to quote "fucking awesome" and 15 Natty Lights plus a fish bowl and a shot is technically a condom.  (Pooty's Laws of How to Make Wicked Safe Love, 2011)  Even above condoms Pooty will ban all blunt force trauma to the nut sack.  Scientifically getting hit in the nuts makes you more potent and that will just contradict the no condom bylaw plus it hurts really bad.  Statistically if you are in Nanner Manor and your name is Pooty, you get hit in the nuts 6x more than anyone else.

-Pooty 2012- "Fuck Condoms, Fuck Poop, Fuck Anal Sex, and Fuck You.....Vote Pooty"

Napoleon is the epitome of a dirty politician.  He makes back door deals, he has the aura and hairline of a used car salesman, and his feet still do not touch the ground when he is on a swingset.  He is like the human version of a yorkie, if he was on Survivor, all those games where they have to crawl under nets......he would just run under those.  His main motivation in running is that drinking games must be played daily and the music played must be generic, mainstream, and known/hated by everyone.  Thursdays will actually be Fridays, Fridays are still Fridays, Saturdays are Fridays, and Sunday is Liver Rejuvenation day.  Napoleon's idea of friendship is to try and get everyone as close to alcoholism without domestic abuse happening.  Also, parking rules agreed to by all political parties will not be obeyed by Wundurrliccc because if we told her to park somewhere she would be confused and get another 3 on that test when Cam Newton got a 26.

-Napoleon 2012- "People Still Love Baseball....................Is Anyone Listening"

Wicket is a staunch believer in regulating fridge space because he thinks that the Jewish kid uses too much of it.  He also believes that if something is on tv and he wants to watch it....he is fucking watching it.  He would abolish all sleeping in and naps even though he takes many naps himself.  Being hypocritical is encouraged as it is a sign of an over-inflated self confidence which Wicket definitely does not have, his dick is huge along with his ego, both of which are enviable.  Lying is no longer frowned upon.  Ketchup would be eradicated and Pooty would have to eat one whole tomato a week because fuck that guy.  Going to the bars anytime before 1:00 would be denoted as heresy.  All music played must be the opposite of conducive to a party, if it is really sad and depressing, play that shit, music is for background noise not the primary focus.  Fuck Indians.

-Wicket 2012- "Everything I Say Is Right, Especially If Pooty Disagrees Or Headcut Agrees With The Other Person, Napoleon Is Below Average Height And Fuck Yanni."

Headcut thinks loofas are droll and unnatural, why a house needs more than one is unfathomable by his account.  Hot and Ready's are no longer food but the common way of greeting people.  Rap Music.  Beer Pong is changed so there is no longer beer in the cups and drinking is optional.  Essentially it is like basketball but without all the rules and strategies that makes it basketball, it is recreational ping pong ball tossing into cups of water where there is no consequence or benefit to participating.    Everything that is said in this house must be yelled.  Internet Memes. Plants are cool.  Indians are the peak of civilization because they were about as good at fighting off disease as Headcut is at constructing an argument.  Looking like a retired member of a failed boy band is also encouraged.  Taco Bell is designated as an illegal substance, while illegal substances are now legal, Lance Armstrong is innocent, the government shot JFK and any other plot where the government did something bad to its people..... totally on board with that.

-Headcut 2012-  "My General Thought Pattern Is That Indians Had Their Shit Together, Even Though, I Love Technology, Books That Are Printed, Not Dying From Disease, 9GAG, And Hot and Readys. Deuces."

So, 8 people that read this blog, get informed, see who is the best for you, then cast your vote, because it actually matters this time.

Fuck Pooty.

Tractor Pulls (from the perspective of Cletus, our guest blogger)

Oh shit man them traktor pulls are a good darn time.  Their is nothin like havin the sun above you're head pounding beers and watch big shit pull shit.  The Busch Light was on tap all weekend, we were drinking beers and yellin at the ladies fuck a few of them showed us there tits.  When these two uppity fuckers askd me to be a guest righter on there internet I was like :shit yeah I will: I need to be foice that shows thoz northern faggits that traktor pulls are fuckin shit sweet.

1, Drinkin beers outside is like drinkin with Jesus nuthin are better then showin Jesus how you wership his highness like poundin beers and saluten the sun witch is wher Jesus sits on his thorn.

2, Titties/ their is no way that tits wer made fer nersin little babees they wer made for traktor pullin.  Two thigs twogether that is more made badass more is tits and beers.  Their is no better combenashon it is like traktors and pulling shit

3, Beers

4, Drinkin outside

5, Tits

6, I think that is all thoz 5 thigs are what makes pulling Traktor pulling shit sweet.

Cletus Salutashons?

The Bourne Legacy: The Quest for Chems...

I really like movies.  So much that I want to write them, which, as I continue to watch movies, becomes more realistic by the minute.  My friend once said that he thought his ex could actually be an actress because he saw Van Helsing.  No punchline there, Van Helsing is terrible.  But, Van Helsing had one thing that the Bourne Legacy did not........an actual plot.    Now Van Helsing's plot was by no means good.  But, it was there, it existed.  Halfway through the Bourne Legacy I thought "we are halfway through this movie.......right."

Okay, SPOILERS, Jeremy Renner needs chems (that is what he calls them) and does not even get them he just gets virused out (essentially say you have asthma, they just get you really fucking sick and then you don't have to take "chems" because thats how shit goes down) and then immediately runs and the movie is over.  I just described every major plot point in the movie.  It was Bourne Identity with no amnesia.  Instead of a Mini Cooper it was a dirt bike that can grind.  Also, if you watch the Bourne movies you know that there are government programs breeding super soliders, well there are like 7 of those groups now.  "Well Treadstone did not work, we should start over.......fuck that did not work either........lets do that shit again."  It seems like the government in this movie would have better results by attempting to make robots.  Or do not let them have feelings, get amnesia, or be really good at getting away on weird vehicles.  The new badass dude which is like a terminator that does not turn into a real boy dies, because that chick from The Mummy kicked his motorcycle and he drove into a pole.

This movie could easily be turned into a hilariously bad movie if Jeremy Renner just started beating everyone he saw asking for his chems. Like if he was casually walking down the street and was like "hey do you know where my chems are?" and then the guy would be like "what are you talking about?" and then Jeremy Renner would just go off and beat the shit out of him.  You know who needed to be in this movie, Morpheus, that dude knows where pills are.  Jeremy Renner could have been Hawkeye and used a weapon made obsolete forever ago and it would have been better.  Picture getting shot at with guns and he is just headshoting guys with a hunting bow, I would not fuck with that guy.

If the wikipedia plot summary is longer than 4 sentences the guy who wrote the screenplay/story fucking wrote it.  They did not even set up a sequel, which, is what should happen.  Like "let's find Jason Bourne that guy does not like the people I also dislike that is a logical decision to get to the bottom of this..........fuck that this boat has a picnic table."

Campus Bike Parade

I was slightly confused upon exiting the student union this afternoon. At first I thought I was about to witness one of the greatest and most awesome things ever thought of: a midget bicycle race. However, I was quickly disappointed when I learned that the participants were only children, and not in fact midgets. Once my heart rate had dropped below 400 beats per minute, I began to think about why this activity was taking place on a college campus. My attention was quickly grabbed when a minor wreck occurred on the sidewalk, within the vicinity of the benches. A parent quickly got up, ran to the child, and made sure they were OK. Since only so much hurt can come from riding a bike at less than one mile per hour, the child was clearly fine. However, this action spawned an idea that in my mind, was better than drinking beer on the porch. I really want to see a child roller derby. Now, I know two out of the three people that consistently read this blog are going to be horrified by this idea, but bare with me.  Its not like some kid is going to pull a Earnhardt and slam into a tree going 100 miles per hour. Sure, the kids would probably be going rather fast at the bottom of the hill and might fall off, but what is a roller derby without the risk of disfiguration? All of the kids were already wearing helmets, so the proper safety precautions were already taken. Can you imagine how awesome it would be to see kids careening around tight corners on tricycles, cutting off other bikers like women drivers on the highway? I can, and it would be awesomely awesome, and I would be in verifiable heaven. I would literally skip class to watch this shit. I would even go as far as to get up early, so I could get a premium front row seat and watch the 2006 freshmen class' poor nighttime mistakes race. Tailgating would occur, knees would be bruised, and one of my life dreams would be witnessed.