The Fast & The Furious Saga or Fast & Furious Saga

Okay, I am watching Fast Five, I think I will be able to keep up with the story and type at the same time.  The writers do not exactly seem to be the most intellectual people.  Also, they do not seem to be the same people from movie to movie.  Chris Morgan has wrote the 4th and 5th, I will get into the names of the actual movies later, it is confusing, probably the most difficult part of the saga to understand.  First I am going to rank these movies from a serious perspective, then just by how much I enjoyed them, and then I will break them down with a review of each.  This is going to be long.

1. Fast Five-I have only watched 10 minutes but the Rock just shot a guy with his own gun 17 times, stabbed a guy in the throat with a knife, and then violently snapped a man's neck, after he jumped through a wall like hulk and then jumped off a building.

2. Fast & Furious- This is the 4th one, I had to check 5 times because the only difference between the titles of the 1st and 4th is the addition of the before fast and furious.  This one is second because it does not revolve around the extremely stupid world of underground street racing, they start to transition to action during this one.  It also brings us back to the old cast of the first one revisiting plot lines that......there are no plot lines.

3. Tokyo Drift- The oldest asshole son from Home Improvement plays a dick head jock in the beginning of this movie.  You know this because he wears his letterman jacket in 95 degree weather in Alabama.  This is probably the best racing movie of the 6 (I am already counting the one that comes out Friday) as there are no heists of trucks or trains.  That being said,  this movie sucks.

4. The Fast & The Furious- This movie has aged terribly.  It was never good anyway.  Paul Walker has acting ability on par with Stevie Wonder's ability to read a book and drive a car at the same time.

5. 2 Fast 2 Furious- Electricity damping ray guns, Tyrese and Paul Walker are essentially buddy cops, Eva Mendez is forced to show her stomach at all times and as usual I am convinced she is a robot, (she is a latino and has not had 6 babies left, unheard of) and FBI agents wear Hawaiian party shirts.  It is terrible.

In order of how much I enjoyed them.

1. 2 Fast 2 Furious- Electricity damping ray guns, Tyrese and Paul Walker are essentially buddy cops, Eva Mendez is forced to show her stomach at all times and as usual I am convinced she is a robot, (she is a latino and has not had 6 babies, unheard of) and FBI agents wear Hawaiian party shirts.  It is awesome.

2. Fast five- Now I am maybe 40 minutes through and this is the ghetto Ocean's 11.  Plus the Rock is violently orgasm-murdering (he is getting of when he kills) people as a US agent of some kind.  The character is clearly a mass murderer.

3.  Fast & Furious- Does not matter what happened in this movie, the other two are so bad that even their unintended comical moments do not make up for how boring they are.

4. Tokyo Drift- Racing scenes are cool, dialogue is terrible, story is........there.

5. The Fast & The Furious- Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez, Ja Rule, and Asian Asshole guy.  This is not a list of the worst actors ever, it is the cast of the movie.

The Fast & The Furious

Paul Walker is a cop and is a fucking plague on this world.  Vin Diesel's best role is probably in The Pacifier and I have never seen it.  This movie is about street racing, hijacking trucks, and how hot Jordana Brewster is.  Vin Diesel's crew is hijacking trucks for DVD Players and CD players and Paul Walker and his FBI buddies are trying to catch them.  Missed the joke? They are stealing DVD & CD players and the FBI is involved.  Essentially the FBI are chasing guys who are knocking off the trucks heading to Best Buy.  The interesting thing about the way they shot this movie are the 97 scenes of actors staring into the camera and not saying a word.  Drink every time that happens and there is a gear shift, you will be wasted.  Jordana Brewster also seems to be on the straight and narrow and studying for what I think could be college this is clearly the voice of reason in the series.  The Hermione of the Fast & Furious world.

2 Fast 2 Furious

Paul Walker is a street racer and has not improved his acting ability at all actually it has regressed.  There are guns in this movie that sap the electricity from cars, they are the best part of the movie.  The above picture is actually from this movie.  This movie is hilarious.  It is of the buddy criminal variety.  Also, in an interesting bit of character development Tyrese only speaks in one liners.  The basic story is that Paul Walker has decided his FBI job is not as good as his street racing hobby (logical) and then he works for the FBI (yeah) undercover, to take down a guy who really does not seem that bad other than that he is an asshole.  Eva Mendez is a mole for the Customs agent above, who does not wear a lot of clothes.  That is the extent of her character's personality.  She also shows up at one moment to warn Walker and Tyrese that they are gonna die after the job for generic asshole, in a shirt tied up up to show her belly and she is wet.  It is not raining, it seems like she slept there, and apparently her and Paul walker are in love.  All there is to show that they even are interested in each other are Walker's rape stare and Mendez looking slutty (her general disposition)   Everyone should just watch this movie because out of context this is awesome but in context it is even better.  It has fucking electric sapping trident guns.  Vastly underrated.

Toyko Drift

Mike Winchill from Friday Night Lights (before Friday Night Lights but after all the Fast & The Furious movies because Tokyo Drift is the last chronologically) is kicked out of school and moves to Tokyo with his father.  He meets Bow-Wow who is the school's got to guy to get stuff illegally and beat the shit out of.  This is a fish out of water tale, Mike Winchill learned how to drift race before he learned to throw wicked awesome spirals in I am guessing his sophmore year of high school.  This movie takes place in 2027 moving Friday Night Lights to 2029 making it a Science Fiction movie.  Racing is actually important in this movie and Paul Walker is either a cop, street racer, or clown.  One of those 3.

Fast & Furious

Paul Walker is an FBI agent.  The original cast returns to answer all the questions you had about the 2 plot lines of this saga.  1, Vin Diesel and his crew (featuring dead asian from Tokyo Drift, making this a prequel) are still boosting trucks (this time instead of DVD players they have upgraded to gasoline) instead of using their second chance to avoid jail.  2, Paul Walker has returned to being an FBI agent and apparently broke up with Jordana Brewster sometime 5 years ago.  After a dangerous truck robbing Vin leaves Michelle Rodriguez because shit got to real, she goes back to wherever they were in the 1st one and promptly gets murdered.  This sends FBI agent Walker and jobless Vin on a collision course where their goals are the same but the way they want to accomplish them is different.  Sound familiar? Yes, it does, 7 hundred movies have done it before.  They work together to take down the bad guy who built a fucking tunnel through a mountain to I think take drugs across the American-Mexican border, im not sure though the bad guys intentions are never really blatantly stated in any movie of this saga.  This tunnel he made also is extremely dangerous, they could have made it straight but it is curvy and has like false walls you have to break through and for some reason when you use it you have to get through it in 18 seconds or America is going to catch you.  After Vin and Walker take down Le Chiffre, Vin still gets arrested even though he took down this, apparent threat to America, but, the crew is going to break him out, how?  By driving the shit out of some cars.

Fast 5

Paul Walker is a fugitive.  This is Ocean's 11.  Paul Walker is George Clooney, The guy who can't speak english is the flexible oriental, Liu Kang is Brad Pitt because he is always eating things, Ludacris is apparently a technology genius so he is the nerdy guy, Tyrese is Bernie Mac, and the women are in this movie though they are all interchangeable, Vin Diesel does not fit an archetype because he cant portray anything but brooding and intense.  The movie even has Ocean's 11-esque music and heist preparation montages.  Remember in the first movie when Jordana Brewster seemed like she was studying for college, she is essentially Michelle Rodriguez now and gives no fucks about school.  The Rock also makes an appearance to inject some relevance into this movie.  His character is a US agent of some kind that is also a murdering psychopath.  Okay, plot, the crew is stealing money from a bad guy (?) who sort of framed them during a job gone bad.  A new liberty this movie takes (the other movies did not care what cars could actually do) is with physics, they are not real in this universe.  Paul Walker kills a prison bus with a sports car, Vin and Walker jump off of a car that is free falling into a ravine, (which I feel could have been avoided) Vin Diesel is fast, and Vin can successfully turn a car and attached metal safe (more like a panic room full of money) into a large flail.  Speaking of the flail, The Rock lets Vin go after he murders no less than 40 cops in an amazing display of medieval warfare with modern technology.  He decapitates a car and cop with the chain that attaches the car to the safe. In the end the crew gets rich and retires only to make another movie next year.  Oh, I did not forget about the cliffhanger, Eva Mendez (Unnecessarily) who is back after a 3 movie gap shows a file to The Rock with a picture of (gasp) Michelle Rodriguez.

Fast & Furious 6

I am going to see it at 10 A.M tomorrow and then I will post another topic.  Predictions, this movie takes place around 2020 giving Mike Winchill 7 years to get to Tokyo and 9 years to lose the Texas Division 37 A Football State Championship.  So he is in 3rd maybe 4th grade, Billingsly has already started drinking by this time.  Bow Wow is getting raped in a limo.  Want to know why I am excited

Black people can fly.