The 10:30 A.M Showing Of Fast & Furious 6

Alright......so this is the 6th but 5th chronologically.  So the first 3 were made, and then there is the prequel (to the 3rd) trilogy (4,5, and 6) and now the 7th (out next year) is after the 3rd.....sound like something?

Fast & Furious Saga is Star Wars, at least in terms of how the movies happened.  I have not connected plot points yet but it is very possible, I already explained how Fast Five is Ocean's 11, I am sure I could find similarities.



The audience clearly viewed this movie as a serious form of entertainment.  My brother and I laughed at the parts that were comically ridiculous while others gasped with relief that Vin Diesel is essentially Superman.  The only way to kill him is with a Kryptonite car, fire and metal do nothing to him.  The following section has spoilers.....do we call them spoilers......or......I don't think they are spoilers.  But I am literally going to explain this plot. (?)

So as you know because you read my previous post or you for some reason watch these movies for enjoyment, Michelle Rodriguez is alive and The Rock and Eva Mendez are going after her and her boss.  Well, Eva Mendez's only job task I guess is to give people photos because she is nowhere to be found in this movie.  The Rock gets a name out of some henchman by questioning (he immediately beats the shit out of him before he even asks a question) him.  A new bad guy has arrived.

And he is actually a bad guy in this movie.  Also, in an attempt to make me actually like this movie they casted someone who is a licensed actor in Luke Evans.  He is a former SAS guy who makes Indy cars into impervious machines of chaos.  His plans are more nefarious than the other bad guys of this saga.  He is stealing separate parts to make a device that knocks out communication of a country so he can sell it.  The Rock lets you know this is bad by saying it could kill millions of people.  He has guns that can take control of cars, like body snatching machine, machine guns.

To break it down lets go over the bad guys.  My brother could only name who two of them were and what they did to make them bad guys.

The Fast & The Furious- Vin Diesel in an anti-hero role.  Plan?  Step 1, steal DVD & CD players, step 2, profit.  FBI got involved.

2 Fast 2 Furious- Cole Hauser, tries to leave country with all his money, is apparently a criminal who does illegal things and likes his posse to be able to street race. FBI got involved.

Tokyo Drift- It should have been Bruce Lee, it is not, I do not know if this movie's bad guy is bad, his main influence seems to be.......I am drawing a complete blank.  The main bad guy is actually......
Zachary Ty Bryan from Home Improvement.  Plan? None.

Fast & Furious- Braga, he sells drugs and builds tunnels.  Is apparently a huge threat to the American way of life.  FBI got involved.

Fast 5- Joachim De Almeida, bad guy in everything dealing with Mexican cartels.  Is single crossed by Vin and the gang during a random job that the asshole friend from the 1st movie finds for the group of fugitives.  Apparently is pissed, has no plan other than kill people.  Fails.  RockBI gets involved.








So Luke Evans is clearly the only one of these bad guys that is actually worth worrying about which is why it is confusing that the fast and furious gang is (again) helping since they are essentially common criminals.  So updates on the characters.  Pretty much everyone is living off the money they got in the 5th movie in countries where they cannot extradite (this is explicitly stated) until The Rock comes and shows Vin the picture of Michelle Rodriguez and he promptly leaves his much hotter girlfriend from the 5th movie.  The group gets back together to catch Luke Evans who Michelle Rodriguez works for.

They finally meet up 4 minutes later and Rodriguez shoots Vin.  I am going to skip some lines here to add some intrigue.  Why is Michelle Rodriguez doing this?  Get the answer in your head now.
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She has amnesia.  The guy who shot her in the 4th decided to shoot her car (which has an 100% chance of blowing up) which explodes her into amnesia.  She is then recruited into Luke Evans group and accepts, while, I am guessing laying in a hospital bed.  I thought she would eventually exclaim, "I am undercover" but she never did, she has explosion induced amnesia until the very end of the movie but seems to pick up on references to her old life that Vin growls at her.





So Luke Evans needs one more part to complete his doomsday device and it is a computer chip which he tricks The Rock (who seems to have failed every aptitude test that he would need to take in order to get into any government agency, his only skill seems to be vicious murder) into moving so he can steal it, with his getaway car of choice being a tank.  Of course Tyrese (Bernie Mac) has a lot of one liners about this.  Luke Evans proceeds to do his best impression of Vin Diesel from Fast 5 and murder 60-70 people on the expressway by running cars over.  This is where physics and basically logic gets thrown out the window.  Tyrese's car is getting crushed by a tank,  every other car crumples immediately but Tyrese's car is apparently made out of the same thing Optimus Prime is made out of and he defies gravity to leap 6 or 7 feet forward onto a car driving at least 80 mph.  Not the most ridiculous thing that happens during this sequence.  Tyrese's transformer is used as an anchor to flip a tank, I do not know exactly if it is possible I highly doubt it.  Luke Evans seems to know though because he sends Michelle Rodriguez to release the chain connecting tank to mustang.  It is too late though, the tank flips and catapults Michelle Rodriguez between the expressways and to certain death.  I jest, Superman, opens his door and runs into the median throwing himself across the gap where he catches/tackles Michelle Rodriguez into a car.  Michelle quips "how did you know that car was going to break our fall?" Vin growls "I didn't"my brother whispers "cars break falls?"  Well if you watch Fast 5 you know Vin Diesel can rip through metal chains, so landing on cars is obviously possible.  I am also sure that at the speed he tackled her he would break her spine.

Luke Evans is caught but he has.......fucking Jordana Brewster who they just left her at home when going after a international criminal.  So The Rock (who said he does not let people go) decides that saving one person, is worth the possibility of millions of dead people as stated earlier in the film.  Luke Evans leaves, Carano is a double agent, (why did she fight Michelle rodriguez earlier) and the second they leave, the crew leaves after them.  Luke Evans does not kill Walker's wife in order to get an 8 second lead.  This of course leads to a car fight against a plane on the longest airstrip known to man.  The scene is no less than 30 minutes long, and say the cars are going 80 miles an hour (probably faster these cars idle at 70) using math that I may have made up for this post that airstrip is 40 miles long, and it has more room to it.  Ugh Liu Kang's girlfriend (whose solution to every problem is, be slut) falls off a car and dies after she saves him by air sniping a guy.  She pulls off a shot with a handgun that can only happen in Halo.  There is a ridiculous fight between White Rock and The Rock Diesel, Carano and Rodriguez, Walker and Evans, Evans and Diesel, and White Rock and Rock, which all feature acrobatic jump punches.  During this time the others are engaging in car-fu.  Vin Diesel escapes death comically by exploding out of car (most likely with the help of NOS Energy drink) and then immediately worrying his friends by rolling the car over no less than 40 times.  There was nothing in the way, all he had to do was NOS it and it would have been fine.  NOS makes everything fine, they put it on open wounds to heal themselves.  Also, on a final note, Ludacris should work for the government in some capacity he can do anything with computers, he should be The Rock's boss.  He is behind the plan in Live Free Or Die Hard, linking Die Hard, Fast and the Furious, and Friday Night Lights.

The best part though.  They move the story line past Tokyo Drift to make the sequel trilogy.  And guess who actually kills Liu Kang in Tokyo Drift..........
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Fucking Jason Statham.