Prologue:The Death of Fred Flap Neck and The Cult of Red Kroger

Fred Flap Neck. Age, old as fuck. Owner and creator of the Red Kroger company died last night. He woke up complaining about head pain and then his brain promptly exploded. His wife exclaimed, well she would have but she died during the black death like the rest of Fred's generation. After escaping the Black Death, Vag Neck journeyed to America to start his life by opening some business that by luck, turned into some mega-store, somehow. Those details are not important, how he went from whatever to successful business man is lame. How he went from guy who owns shop to cult leader is much more interesting.

I'm guessing he either decided he was a god since he survived the wars(Crusades, I, Clone, II, etc.) and used to hang out with Jesus or he just wanted to bang lots of middle aged poor employees. The first is more likely because when Flappy was born his neck was ninety and women found him to be as attractive as a male version of Sarah Jessica Parker, which, I know for a fact, is a horse. Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse, or an old burnt shoe. I find her to be one of the most repulsive things on this planet, I don't believe in god because she exists. Why would anyone do that on purpose and then let them be famous? The cult was easily formed because Old Neck made every sla....team member go through intensive training. During my training Red Kroger said "some people have integrity, like Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, and Flap Neck. Red Kroger compared their former small business owner(now cult leader, well not now, cause of the whole dead thing) to a man who was president and instrumental in ending slavery, a man who fought for African-American rights, and the 1st president of the USA, respectively. He opened a fucking mega store and pays his employees minimum wage, while he summons some kind of dark shit in the undercroft of your local Meijer.

The Cult of Red Kroger is devoted to keeping Fred Flap Neck alive. So I am guessing they had a plan for this. Some kind of dark ritual that they revive him so he can pay me child labor rates to do a job that a robot will soon do. I assume reviving Flap Neck is a lot like reviving Voldemort. First they must take something from.....the guy that killed him or some shit. So they have to go find Father Time and rip his collarbone out. Then they need some flesh from the servent given willingly. Red Kroger will probably have a meeting with some lower level employees, willingly they walk in the room and promptly die, either from lava under the floor or they just said fuck it I work at Red Kroger my life is not going anywhere and they just went with it. Lastly, I think, they need something from the father, since the father was some kind of neanderthal that would be impossible. You have to take into consideration that Flap neck because of his unusually long lifespan either A) has clones or B) can time travel. If there is clones he probably has a frozen clone father to harvest from, if there is time travel he can just go back to a time where he was already born rip off his ear or something and bam he is back alive. Also, I forgot he needs a new brain since his brain is the consistency of oatmeal. They would probably just take his son out Hank Flap since he is a very willing member of the cult.

Well......fuck that. This totally plausible scenario has to be going down and I am going to stop it because I hate Red Kroger, plus, I am pretty fucking bored.

Why I hate the hippie BG salesman

One thing that really irks me about the college community is their propensity to make stupid, retarded purchases. Why everyone thinks it is essential to have a northface hoodie is beyond me. It is a fucking jacket that serves the same purpose as the other 4 million types of jackets out there. It isn’t made from the winged rams golden fleece and it certainly doesn’t make you look any more rad or hip. It’s a huge waste of money. It is almost as unnecessary as one of Enrons purchases. Another stupid fad that needs to die is this fucking rash Yuengling purchases. We get it, it’s new to the area. Does that mean an entire college population needs to change their choice of alcoholic beverage? No, it doesn’t. Sure it tastes better then the original beverage of choice, natty light, but it is a terrible value. College students are always bitching about money, so why go out and buy a 12 pack for $11 when you can get a 30 stack for $14? I am no Adam Smith, but my economics is good enough to know that the value just isn’t there. (on a side note, I really would like people to stop buying Yuengling  because I have to repeatedly stock it at work) But back to the real thing that pisses me off, the hippie salesman at BG.

If you have ever set foot on a college campus during the fall and winter months, then you know what I am talking about. Some hippie, who by no means attends the university, sets up shop in front of a campus building. They play shitty music, dress like a sixties rug couch, and try to get you to buy their crappy merchandise. Not only does their establishment resemble a rundown Bangladeshi street merchant shop, but they also haggle with you about the price like some gypsy from Granada.  They justify their price by saying that their product is one of a kind. Really, because it looks like you have a hundred of the same one under the table shitbasket.  They also try and get you to waste your money on the one Bob Marley poster that seems to exist or on some sort of stupid plant that they swear has some kind of miracle healing powers. Overall these people suck. These hippies have the worst hair, smell like shit and stale weed, and are the worse salesmen I have ever met. Why people spend $20 on some crappy hat and then another $20 on some shitty gloves just blows my mind. Where can you get a hat that looks exactly the same either free or next to nothing? From your grandma.  Trust me, it’s a requirement for all old women to know how to knit, and if you ask them, I’m sure that they will knit you a hat or some gloves. (that is unless they are like Fred SnatchThroat, then you may be out of luck) Your grandmas frail fingers might start to bleed in the process, but that’s what gives the gloves their one of a kind color. Buying anything from these people is about as economically smart as buying another dry erase board when the house you live in already has three.

Lacrosse (and Quidditch)

I have to teach a class of my peers for an assignment in one of my classes. I have to teach lacrosse, probably the the sport I wanted the 2nd least. Ultimate frisbee, badminton, handball, floor hockey, fuck even soccer would have sufficed. The only one I did not want to teach? Pickle-ball. Yeah, this sport actually demands a hyphen, it says so on my assignment sheet. Now I do not know what pickle ball is but it sounds about as senseless and moronic as people playing physically possible Quidditch.

If you have never seen people actual play Qudditch outside of the Harry Potter universe, you should. They actually use brooms and shit, they just crudely shove the brooms between their legs and then meander around holding a volleyball(Which is probably decorated like an actual Quidditch ball, never underestimate a nerd's ability to pay attention to detail), like Paris Hilton looking for a block of cheese in that maze that she is most likely stuck in right now. They also have the snitch which they promptly shove near their snatch or ass. That last sentence has a great ring to it. Someone runs around with the ball in between their legs while others try to grab it out with their hands. It is exactly as creepy as it sounds. The only thing that actually works with Quidditch when you cannot fly due to gravity and living in a non-fiction world is the three rings. Baseketball and Rollerball translate much better from shitty cinematic sports to actual sports. Back to lacrosse.

I have to teach Lacrosse in class though, blasphemy, I was far too poor during my early formative years and my school was far to urban (at or below 50% white people) to actually have lacrosse offered in my schooling career. So not only was my economic status not high enough, but I did not live in an area that was occupied by majestic fields that are mowed by full-time lawnists and sub-divisions that are ran like small dictatorships. Everything I know about lacrosse I learned from Blue Mountain State, so I also do not have the flow (hair) to play the sport. I know about as much about lacrosse as DJ Qualls knows about the inside of a gym. Luckily the internet exists and anything I want to know can be google searched. How the hell did students do assignments without the internet?

Since Iron Man is going to be in another movie in the near future, I felt it necessary to repost this

Iron Man II in a Nutshell


First off I have never seen the first iron man movie, so I can not draw comparisons to it. I have however seen something in movies that is very important, a good plot. And this movie has none. Actually I have seen pornos with better better plot and character development. Iron Man II is basically 2 hours and 4 minutes of shit with a few parts of cool action scattered in. This movie has so many dumb and obvious references that it could be categorized as slightly better than Gigli and From Justin to Kelly.

The movie begins with two Russian guys sitting around drinking vodka. ( a real surprise right?) The older, father figure, is apparently a mad scientist. (Russian connection, I think so) The younger Russian, who looks  similar to Igor Karkaroff from the harry potter movie, is talking to his father, who is apparently dying from a combination of old age and drinking to much Popov. The elderly father figures dies lying lazily in a chair, whispering nonsense about forgotten knowledge to his son. After the uneventful, boring, and least badass death of a mad scientist ever, the younger terrorist looking son takes initiative. Even though he looks like a gitmo detainee, he starts looking over hieroglyphs, graphs and other shit his dad left behind for him. Apparently this is the knowledge of the ancients that will lead him to the promised land, but Im not sure. After what can be described as one hour of studying, Igor begins to building a fucking robot suit/transformer in his garage.  (remember his dad was the mad scientist  , not him) Please, the man is basically a bum who ends up taking a battery, a light bulb, and a pop can and turns them into a bionic suit/ optimus prime 2.0. Well through hours of research and political sacrifice, I have determined that this is what Neil is trying to build in his upstairs somewhere, a fucking terminator of some sorts. Eventually the light bulb/ pop can combo ends up yielding a machine/suit that somewhat resembles a electromagnetic squid.

Now as for Robert Downey Jr, the main character, he is busy getting drunk and banging. Despite his recent movie success, Sherlock Holmes and Tropic Thunder, his presence alone was not enough to save the movie for me. His life during the move basically consists of drinking heavily, banging, drinking, and saving the world when he has a hot second of free time. The U.S. Govt eventually realizes, after a few years, that I.M.(iron man) is basically a god and should be worshiped. The U.S. Govt, which has been sticking it to the citizens for years, doesnt want to get off its high horse. The senator in charge, who has the same retarded/ugly lips as the poker player Phil Hellmuth, wants to bring I.M. down. So he promotes some dipshit named hammer to due him in. Hammer tries to put I.M. in his place, but he slams his dick on the door and fails miserably. I.M. wins the crowd thus he automatically wins the argument. (its a proven fact) Not to be outdone, hammer decides to make his vendetta with I.M. a dick measuring contest, which he vows to win.

During the course of the movie, the audience learns that I.M is dying. Who would have known that having a huge hole is your fucking chest was bad for your health. Apparently it avoided the minds of 22nd century doctors. Even though he is dying, I.M wants to prove how big his dick is by driving in an Indy car race. Sounds like a good idea but Igor whatshisface appears halfway through the race and shit hits the fan. Vodka man starts fuckin shit up until I.M  decides that playtime is over and breaks his garage sale toys in half. Igor, yeah I know his real name is Ivan, is thrown in jail and questioned by I.M. Dickface tells some fairy tale about I.M.'s father stealing some research from him and his father. But Downey realizes that he and his family were Americans so therefore they can do whatever the fuck they want.

Hammer decides that the only way his is going to win this dick measuring contest is by teaming up with Stalin AKA Igor. He breaks him out of prison using a complicated costume and some out of the box made potatoes. Hammer hires Igor to make him him some transformers in an attempt to prove that he indeed has a bigger penis than I.M.

Whilst this shabang is happening, I.M is busy getting drunk at his birthday party when some random black guy (every movie has one) decides to jack his shit (AKA another iron man suit). How surprising that the black man has to steal the shit, way to be racist Paramount pictures.  The two proceed to have what can be described as a poorly choreographed dance with the attempt to display dominance towards the females at the party. Eventually they point their palms at each other, GAY, and unleash their ultimate moves. Downey eventually loses bc he is 37 beers deep and colonel blackman escapes with his suit, which he gives to the U.S army.

Nothing important happens for a good half hour....except some colorful strawberries are bought and a car is driven fast.

Samuel L. Jackson appears in his 1,478,928th movie as some secret agent. He gives I.M some old ass blueprints that look like the dead sea scrolls, that apparently hold some important power.  I.M realizes that the secret power of the triangle was kept secret in some shitty replica of a town that his father built. Da  Ding!! by looking at the crappy model, I.M discovers some new element that looks conspicuously like the death star. Using this knowledge, I.M changes the shape on the front of his suit/chest from a circle to a triangle. Thus apparently making him 180 degrees of sheer badassness and stops I.M from slowly dying. (apparently changing a shape gives you more superhuman powers)

Hammerman is flaunting the size of his dick by showing some of the G.I. Joes that the pirates of the Caribbean looking Igor has made for him, at a festival when I.M appears again to steal his thunder. Igor uses this time to Judas the situation by turning the G.I Joe robots evil. (who didn't see this guy being the main villain, I sure didn't) Igor begins to control the 20 or so robots using a single keyboard without a mouse. Since it isnt even possible to play the game Flight simulator with just a keyboard I find this unbelievable. Anyways he attacks I.M and they begin to fly around new york city, with the random black guy as the confederate leader.

During all of this Scarlett Johanssom infiltrates Igors fortress using moves only seen in the matrix and the kill bill movies. Only to discover that Igor is flying his own transformer to fight I.M.

Colonel random is eventually freed from the control of Igor and helps I.M eliminate the drone machines almost effortlessly. (really if this scene was supposed to make the movie, they failed miserably) Eventually they team up to face Igor in the ultimate showdown. Igor using his whips of justice ends up kicking the shit out of the two bionic commandos. In a last ditch effort to win I.M and his faithful comrade point palms at each other yet again, just like earlier, and unleash their final attack. Still GAY. Apparently this attack is more powerful than MOAB bc it turns Igor into what can be descried as the tin man.

End of movie...complete and utter disappointment.

*I understand that this may upset some people who probably found this movie entertaining, but if you are one of these people, you are truly wrong. This movie just sucked. Im not sure if it was the 6 beers I drank prior to watching this but I basically laughed the whole way through. Great job of turning another superhero into a teletubby. The only super hero movie worse than this was the first incredible hulk movie and the third spiderman.. I would almost rather watch Master and Commander than this movie but I cant bring myself to watch the atrocity again for a second time.

Sequels to Cabin Fever

I'd link the story but that would be non-sensical and an incredible waste of my all to valuable time. For those of you who have not seen Cabin Fever, you should, just to know what the worst movie ever made is. That way, when deciding how good a movie is you know how bad the worst one is. From what I remember the kid from Boy Meets World was just killing people after they all drank some tainted water. There is also a blonde kid who does karate, for no reason and a white shopkeeper who is quite in with the African-American community (3 people) of this small rural town. By "in" I mean he was holding a gun for them. It is a terrible movie.

So sequels have been announced for some reason. Most likely direct to DVD because if these movies are theater bound, I am dropping out and becoming a writer. One person referred to the Cabin Fever series (they made a sequel which I was not aware of) as a cult classic. Cult classics are also known as a shitty movie most of the time. No less than 90% of these movies are horror movies.

Horror fans have some mental disability that lets them overlook how stupid things are or how unbelievably inane the actions of the characters are. Yes, it is annoying when you watch a movie with someone and every 7 seconds that person screams about the realism of the explosion because they apparently have been apart of many. What is worse is when a character faced by, say a killer chasing them, they immediately run upstairs to escape the threat instead of maybe a backdoor. Too easy. So a character is contaminated by something and he is thinking of leaving, which will contaminate others. The character is obviously scared so leaving would make sense. The thing that does not make sense is that the friends let him go. You kill him, you kill him with whatever blunt rusty disease infested tool you have. Hell, maybe the disease tool will counteract whatever population destroying virus the person has contacted and he will be healed, well he will still be dead but not from the disease, but from a shovel, preferably when you attack him you scream like Djimon Hounsou in Blood Diamond. Someone make me an animated gif of that for my phone, I want that scene to be played every time someone calls me. Actually I think I just found out how to make these films good. Add Hounsou, give him a shovel and actually have him kill people, hopefully fans of this series, as they should not be able to procreate and spread their horrible views pertaining to movies, and most likely everything else.

Diamonds

I have decided to go the academic route for my next post, since I have already covered the intricacies of Halloween. So, what the fuck is the deal with diamonds? I understand that in this country they are supposibily a symbol of love and commitment, but why should a poor bloke have to shell out three months pay for the damn thing. If I am going to spend that kind of coin on one specific purchase it had better be really useful. (ie a televsion, car, or a shitload of alcohol) Ask any female and they will tell you, "It has a deeper meaning, it stands for commitment and love." I say horseshit. Ladies generally want bigger rings because it makes them feel good, and it also allows for them to brag about the size of their stone to all of their shallow, narcissistic friends. Heres a shocker, its a piece of carbon! So what if it glitters in the light and has a lovely color.

The thing that irks me more about diamonds than anything else is the price of the bitches. Thousands of dollars for a rock. A piece of carbon that may or may not have a color to it. Thats it. Many people do not know, but diamonds have mainly intrinsic value. Meaning that they only have value because people think they are valuable and rare. Oops wrong there. I dont consider myself a connoisseur of the diamond industry by any means, but I have done my homework. I have read a few wikipedia articles and rewatched Blood Diamond a few times, so I think I have the jist of the problem. (drumroll) Diamonds are not rare! 26,000 kg of diamonds are mined every year. They only have value because one company, De Beers, basically has a monopoly on the industry. They buy up all the diamonds on the market and store them to keep the supply low and the demand high. Therefore, the price is inflated even though the item is not rare at all. People, mostly women, are being brainwashed in to thinking that diamonds are forever. They are worthless rocks that have very little use for anything, except for cutting very hard things. So go ahead, shell out hundreds of dollars for a diamond ring. All you'll get is a large bill and maybe a BJ. This is no guarantee, no matter how logical it may sound.

Introduction

Though my (co-blogger?) got a jump on the first post and decided to frat our blog up I decided to write about why we decided to finally do this. We hate everything, we drink entirely too much, and believe our lives and conversations deserve a grand stage, because they fucking do. Of course that grand stage is a free internet blog because facebook has decided my posts are to lengthy to be a status.

We also thought that instead of just having a separate blog, we would just do one. That means that Pooty is going to talk about women's breasts a lot. He could write a dissertation about the holocaust and somehow work in the curvature of a women's physique into every paragraph.

I on the other hand do not objectify women in such way, (lies, I am a complete asshole) I have never used the word slut to describe a woman's actions, (lie, but she fucking deserved it) and the best part about halloween is not women dressing up as "sluts" but my friends and I making complete asses out of ourselves. (actually not a lie, oh yeah I lie, a lot) So more to come, especially if you hate everything we do.

Halloween

I don't know about everyone else in the world, but for me, Halloween is the best holiday of the year. You've embraced that shit from the beginning, from the time when your just a simple child in a shitty ghost getup looking for candy, to your adult self rocking your recently deceased Michael Jackson costume. Although the way you celebrate Halloween changes throughout your lifetime, you still embrace the shit out of it every year. Lets look at the key elements of Halloween at the various times of a persons life.

Birth-5 years old
No one gives a fuck about halloween during this period of your life. Since you have no idea what the fuck is going on and wont remember any of this shit, it really doesn't matter. Every adult will say you look adorable no matter what you are wearing. If they don't, then you are truly ugly and deserve to be tossed off a cliff.

5-12 years old
 During this time only two things matter when it comes to halloween: How much candy you can get and how badass your costume is. Everyone remembers that kid in grade school who had that awesome costume. Whether it was the actual Power Ranger costume or the custom transformer setup, that person was a verifiable deity. Even though his parents forked out two paychecks to pay for that shit, for a day their child can have the sense that they are better than everyone.

The only other thing that matters during this period is how much candy you can get. Every kid knows what house gives out the king size candy bars and which old lady gives out apples. You visit the shit out the awesome house until the refuse to give you any more and completely avoid the decrepit old lady who smells like cats and a funeral home. It is your duty as a child to try a receive as many cavities as possible.

12-16
This is the awkward period during your halloween life where you are stuck in the middle. You start to see the awesomeness that is humor during halloween but you are still holding on to your old self. During this period of your career your costumes are probably going to suck. Most of the time you waste your money on one of those pre assembled costumes from the store because you have no sense of ingenuity.

16-onward
This is when shit gets real. You stop caring about candy and shit and start concentrating on what is truly important: getting hammered ass drunk and being offensive as possible. An awesome costume during this portion of your life is an absolute must. No one wants to see another cowboy or police officer, they want to see Patrick Swayze's corpse rise from the dead and wreak havoc on the party. Money costumes usually come in the form of: recently dead celebrities, brutal political dictators, and any costume that is horribly racist or offensive. The only thing that should be on a persons mind during the night should be: which one of these slutty girls am I going to bang and how drunk can I get. Halloween is a free pass for females to let their inner slut out for a night. It doesn't matter what they dress up as, because as men you will only know them as slutty (insert whatever costume they are wearing) Guys could care less what your costume is, as long as you look like a slut it doesn't matter. You could dress up as a slutty sheep for all we care.