Halloween

I don't know about everyone else in the world, but for me, Halloween is the best holiday of the year. You've embraced that shit from the beginning, from the time when your just a simple child in a shitty ghost getup looking for candy, to your adult self rocking your recently deceased Michael Jackson costume. Although the way you celebrate Halloween changes throughout your lifetime, you still embrace the shit out of it every year. Lets look at the key elements of Halloween at the various times of a persons life.

Birth-5 years old
No one gives a fuck about halloween during this period of your life. Since you have no idea what the fuck is going on and wont remember any of this shit, it really doesn't matter. Every adult will say you look adorable no matter what you are wearing. If they don't, then you are truly ugly and deserve to be tossed off a cliff.

5-12 years old
 During this time only two things matter when it comes to halloween: How much candy you can get and how badass your costume is. Everyone remembers that kid in grade school who had that awesome costume. Whether it was the actual Power Ranger costume or the custom transformer setup, that person was a verifiable deity. Even though his parents forked out two paychecks to pay for that shit, for a day their child can have the sense that they are better than everyone.

The only other thing that matters during this period is how much candy you can get. Every kid knows what house gives out the king size candy bars and which old lady gives out apples. You visit the shit out the awesome house until the refuse to give you any more and completely avoid the decrepit old lady who smells like cats and a funeral home. It is your duty as a child to try a receive as many cavities as possible.

12-16
This is the awkward period during your halloween life where you are stuck in the middle. You start to see the awesomeness that is humor during halloween but you are still holding on to your old self. During this period of your career your costumes are probably going to suck. Most of the time you waste your money on one of those pre assembled costumes from the store because you have no sense of ingenuity.

16-onward
This is when shit gets real. You stop caring about candy and shit and start concentrating on what is truly important: getting hammered ass drunk and being offensive as possible. An awesome costume during this portion of your life is an absolute must. No one wants to see another cowboy or police officer, they want to see Patrick Swayze's corpse rise from the dead and wreak havoc on the party. Money costumes usually come in the form of: recently dead celebrities, brutal political dictators, and any costume that is horribly racist or offensive. The only thing that should be on a persons mind during the night should be: which one of these slutty girls am I going to bang and how drunk can I get. Halloween is a free pass for females to let their inner slut out for a night. It doesn't matter what they dress up as, because as men you will only know them as slutty (insert whatever costume they are wearing) Guys could care less what your costume is, as long as you look like a slut it doesn't matter. You could dress up as a slutty sheep for all we care.