Driving a Stick Shift Car (After 8 Years of Automatic Driving)

Disclaimer, my new (I use the word new loosely, to call my car new would be to say that the fall of Rome was a little bit before I was born) car is a 1983 Mustang L because the X fell off of the car, during a time when it was fast.  To compare my car to a sprinter, picture the slowest person you know, if you know quadriplegic, that will work.  Now shoot that person in the knee, that is how fast my car is.  Someone could egg my car and I could not catch them.  Oh it is also Lime Green.

First thing I noticed is that stop signs are the absolute worst thing in the world now.  I cannot speed because of the mechanical ability of my car but I will run stop signs, especially 4 way stops.  If you are one of those people that wave people on when you are at 4 way stops, fuck you, go, you got there first, don't wave me through, if no one is stopped I am running that thing, you are making that hard and if you see me (you will know I am really fucking green) you go, or get out of your car and use two arms to wave me through before I stop.  Also if you take forever to get into the turn lane, politely go die.

For some reason shifting with authority is awesome, makes me feel bad ass.  Going from second to third is my favorite because it feels like that is the movement that car chases use to make really wide dangerous turns.  Tom Cruise in Jack Reacher shifts as hard as he runs in every movie he ever made.  Fuck down shifting.

Rolling up to a red light in Neutral and then it turns green is so rewarding, I am pretty sure people are getting angry at me because I am going like 10 miles an hour about 25 feet from where I should stop but starting a car and moving it in 1st gear is about the dumbest thing you will ever do.  Why can't the car idle and then I can shift it into 2nd gear and so on........because then life would be easy and driving would not be terrible.

Because of the 1st gear thing I will not be going to fast food restaurants a lot.  I did it today just see how it was and was just about to yell at the poor soul serving my healthy snack to catch my card and bring it out the other side with my food.  This is actually a good thing, but still kind of shitty.

The Actual Political Race of 2012 (Grand Master of Bitchin' Leadership of Nanner Manor)

Now that the president has been elected and people want to secede and shit the important political race is beginning.  Grand Master of Bitchin' Leadership of Nanner Manor must be elected by the end of December.  Everyone in the house is running except for Yanni because it is suspected that he is part of the Jewish Resistance and we all know Jews cannot hold political office or babies in this country.  His platform would consist of Pooty renting movies, never buying his own pizza, and not washing cups if he did run but because of the aforementioned connection to the Jewish Revolution he cannot run.

Pooty is running for GMBLNM (Grand Master of Bitchin' Leadership of Nanner Manor) with the intent of banning anything that does not reek of fart.  The man is adverse to poop but loves the smell of it.  Pooty's goal in life is to contaminate breathable air by himself.  Also he strongly believes in abolishing condom use as the only STD he worries about is baby which can be alleviated by pulling out or drinking excessive amounts of alcohol.  Pooty will ban condoms because raw dogging it is to quote "fucking awesome" and 15 Natty Lights plus a fish bowl and a shot is technically a condom.  (Pooty's Laws of How to Make Wicked Safe Love, 2011)  Even above condoms Pooty will ban all blunt force trauma to the nut sack.  Scientifically getting hit in the nuts makes you more potent and that will just contradict the no condom bylaw plus it hurts really bad.  Statistically if you are in Nanner Manor and your name is Pooty, you get hit in the nuts 6x more than anyone else.

-Pooty 2012- "Fuck Condoms, Fuck Poop, Fuck Anal Sex, and Fuck You.....Vote Pooty"

Napoleon is the epitome of a dirty politician.  He makes back door deals, he has the aura and hairline of a used car salesman, and his feet still do not touch the ground when he is on a swingset.  He is like the human version of a yorkie, if he was on Survivor, all those games where they have to crawl under nets......he would just run under those.  His main motivation in running is that drinking games must be played daily and the music played must be generic, mainstream, and known/hated by everyone.  Thursdays will actually be Fridays, Fridays are still Fridays, Saturdays are Fridays, and Sunday is Liver Rejuvenation day.  Napoleon's idea of friendship is to try and get everyone as close to alcoholism without domestic abuse happening.  Also, parking rules agreed to by all political parties will not be obeyed by Wundurrliccc because if we told her to park somewhere she would be confused and get another 3 on that test when Cam Newton got a 26.

-Napoleon 2012- "People Still Love Baseball....................Is Anyone Listening"

Wicket is a staunch believer in regulating fridge space because he thinks that the Jewish kid uses too much of it.  He also believes that if something is on tv and he wants to watch it....he is fucking watching it.  He would abolish all sleeping in and naps even though he takes many naps himself.  Being hypocritical is encouraged as it is a sign of an over-inflated self confidence which Wicket definitely does not have, his dick is huge along with his ego, both of which are enviable.  Lying is no longer frowned upon.  Ketchup would be eradicated and Pooty would have to eat one whole tomato a week because fuck that guy.  Going to the bars anytime before 1:00 would be denoted as heresy.  All music played must be the opposite of conducive to a party, if it is really sad and depressing, play that shit, music is for background noise not the primary focus.  Fuck Indians.

-Wicket 2012- "Everything I Say Is Right, Especially If Pooty Disagrees Or Headcut Agrees With The Other Person, Napoleon Is Below Average Height And Fuck Yanni."

Headcut thinks loofas are droll and unnatural, why a house needs more than one is unfathomable by his account.  Hot and Ready's are no longer food but the common way of greeting people.  Rap Music.  Beer Pong is changed so there is no longer beer in the cups and drinking is optional.  Essentially it is like basketball but without all the rules and strategies that makes it basketball, it is recreational ping pong ball tossing into cups of water where there is no consequence or benefit to participating.    Everything that is said in this house must be yelled.  Internet Memes. Plants are cool.  Indians are the peak of civilization because they were about as good at fighting off disease as Headcut is at constructing an argument.  Looking like a retired member of a failed boy band is also encouraged.  Taco Bell is designated as an illegal substance, while illegal substances are now legal, Lance Armstrong is innocent, the government shot JFK and any other plot where the government did something bad to its people..... totally on board with that.

-Headcut 2012-  "My General Thought Pattern Is That Indians Had Their Shit Together, Even Though, I Love Technology, Books That Are Printed, Not Dying From Disease, 9GAG, And Hot and Readys. Deuces."

So, 8 people that read this blog, get informed, see who is the best for you, then cast your vote, because it actually matters this time.

Fuck Pooty.

Tractor Pulls (from the perspective of Cletus, our guest blogger)

Oh shit man them traktor pulls are a good darn time.  Their is nothin like havin the sun above you're head pounding beers and watch big shit pull shit.  The Busch Light was on tap all weekend, we were drinking beers and yellin at the ladies fuck a few of them showed us there tits.  When these two uppity fuckers askd me to be a guest righter on there internet I was like :shit yeah I will: I need to be foice that shows thoz northern faggits that traktor pulls are fuckin shit sweet.

1, Drinkin beers outside is like drinkin with Jesus nuthin are better then showin Jesus how you wership his highness like poundin beers and saluten the sun witch is wher Jesus sits on his thorn.

2, Titties/ their is no way that tits wer made fer nersin little babees they wer made for traktor pullin.  Two thigs twogether that is more made badass more is tits and beers.  Their is no better combenashon it is like traktors and pulling shit

3, Beers

4, Drinkin outside

5, Tits

6, I think that is all thoz 5 thigs are what makes pulling Traktor pulling shit sweet.

Cletus Salutashons?

The Bourne Legacy: The Quest for Chems...

I really like movies.  So much that I want to write them, which, as I continue to watch movies, becomes more realistic by the minute.  My friend once said that he thought his ex could actually be an actress because he saw Van Helsing.  No punchline there, Van Helsing is terrible.  But, Van Helsing had one thing that the Bourne Legacy did not........an actual plot.    Now Van Helsing's plot was by no means good.  But, it was there, it existed.  Halfway through the Bourne Legacy I thought "we are halfway through this movie.......right."

Okay, SPOILERS, Jeremy Renner needs chems (that is what he calls them) and does not even get them he just gets virused out (essentially say you have asthma, they just get you really fucking sick and then you don't have to take "chems" because thats how shit goes down) and then immediately runs and the movie is over.  I just described every major plot point in the movie.  It was Bourne Identity with no amnesia.  Instead of a Mini Cooper it was a dirt bike that can grind.  Also, if you watch the Bourne movies you know that there are government programs breeding super soliders, well there are like 7 of those groups now.  "Well Treadstone did not work, we should start over.......fuck that did not work either........lets do that shit again."  It seems like the government in this movie would have better results by attempting to make robots.  Or do not let them have feelings, get amnesia, or be really good at getting away on weird vehicles.  The new badass dude which is like a terminator that does not turn into a real boy dies, because that chick from The Mummy kicked his motorcycle and he drove into a pole.

This movie could easily be turned into a hilariously bad movie if Jeremy Renner just started beating everyone he saw asking for his chems. Like if he was casually walking down the street and was like "hey do you know where my chems are?" and then the guy would be like "what are you talking about?" and then Jeremy Renner would just go off and beat the shit out of him.  You know who needed to be in this movie, Morpheus, that dude knows where pills are.  Jeremy Renner could have been Hawkeye and used a weapon made obsolete forever ago and it would have been better.  Picture getting shot at with guns and he is just headshoting guys with a hunting bow, I would not fuck with that guy.

If the wikipedia plot summary is longer than 4 sentences the guy who wrote the screenplay/story fucking wrote it.  They did not even set up a sequel, which, is what should happen.  Like "let's find Jason Bourne that guy does not like the people I also dislike that is a logical decision to get to the bottom of this..........fuck that this boat has a picnic table."

Campus Bike Parade

I was slightly confused upon exiting the student union this afternoon. At first I thought I was about to witness one of the greatest and most awesome things ever thought of: a midget bicycle race. However, I was quickly disappointed when I learned that the participants were only children, and not in fact midgets. Once my heart rate had dropped below 400 beats per minute, I began to think about why this activity was taking place on a college campus. My attention was quickly grabbed when a minor wreck occurred on the sidewalk, within the vicinity of the benches. A parent quickly got up, ran to the child, and made sure they were OK. Since only so much hurt can come from riding a bike at less than one mile per hour, the child was clearly fine. However, this action spawned an idea that in my mind, was better than drinking beer on the porch. I really want to see a child roller derby. Now, I know two out of the three people that consistently read this blog are going to be horrified by this idea, but bare with me.  Its not like some kid is going to pull a Earnhardt and slam into a tree going 100 miles per hour. Sure, the kids would probably be going rather fast at the bottom of the hill and might fall off, but what is a roller derby without the risk of disfiguration? All of the kids were already wearing helmets, so the proper safety precautions were already taken. Can you imagine how awesome it would be to see kids careening around tight corners on tricycles, cutting off other bikers like women drivers on the highway? I can, and it would be awesomely awesome, and I would be in verifiable heaven. I would literally skip class to watch this shit. I would even go as far as to get up early, so I could get a premium front row seat and watch the 2006 freshmen class' poor nighttime mistakes race. Tailgating would occur, knees would be bruised, and one of my life dreams would be witnessed.

Old Person at a Gas Pump

-Old Person comes to a stop near a gas pump and gets out of car, takes about 5 minutes getting to the pump, the following conversation takes place in this old person's head-

-old person looks at pump trying to decipher the computer language of letters and numbers known as english and....uh numbers respectively-

OP- "The hell is going on here........pay inside, well I do not want to do that I want to use my card." OP just inserts card the wrong way without even pressing a button to choose the method of payment "I...this...does not make sense I put my card in.....pay outside....oww I want to do that."presses pay outside button, then proceeds to insert card the wrong way again"Why is this not working I pressed the button I have the pump in my car and it should pump gas now." Beep, beep, beep "Insert card.....no, I already inserted my fucking card....oh a picture, maybe I did it wrong." By now about twenty people have successfully pumped gas and left the gas station with little to no resistance from the gas pump "Oh I got it now, I want regular." Presses regular button since it is the size of your fist and then proceeds to grab the gold handle under the E-85 button instead of the black handle under the button he just fucking pressed "This does not make any sense....I am doing it right and this pump will not give me any fucking gas, why does everything have to be so god damn complicated. I insert my card I get fucking gas that should be all this is an outrage! I am doing everything right!" OP goes inside to tell the attendant that the pump does not work "Hey....pump 7 does not work!" OP ignores that the attendant is currently helping someone since being old allows you the freedom to do as you fucking want

Attendant- "Are you using the right handle, gold for E-85, black for everything else."

OP- Clearly unaware of what happened about 4 seconds ago the OP just blurts out "Yes!"

Attendant- "I will be right out."

OP- Walks back to car angrily knowing that he is right and this travesty will be corrected probably by the much younger attendant bowing and telling the OP his generation's music is much better "I did everything right I put my card in I....."

Attendant-"Yeah you were using the wrong handle."

OP- Looks at handle and realizes that it is in fact gold "Thank you." Drives away realizing his mind is slowly vanishing

Things we should expect from the new Transformers movie

The United States government will be hiding something

Despite the Autobots saving the planet three times before, the U.S. government will probably be hiding something very important from Optimus and the rest of the Autobots. Even though the corrupt alien organization has been closed and the Chicago businessman who holds on to alien clients like collectible McDonalds beenie babies has been stopped, some group of individuals will be trying to cover something important up. This person or group of individuals will somehow attract the attention of the evil decepticons, who will probably be ruled by..........

Some new evil robot.
Undoubtedly, some new evil being will be leading a new force of decepticons. This new, never before heard of robot, will be more powerful than any previous enemy the Autobots have faced. Even though Megatron was the "Harbinger of Death" in the first movie, he was quickly replaced by some douche with a metal beard called The Fallen. Even though The Fallen was said to be the most powerful evil being in the universe, he died quicker than most drug abusing celebrities. Finally Sentinel, a rogue Autobot, came on to the scene and vanished quicker than Joe Pa in the hospital. We can only assume that the writers will come up with some new pathetic excuse for a villain.

A new shape will be introduced as an all powerful object

The first movie was dominated by the search for The Cube, the second movie featured the search for the Bent Glowing Handlebar, and the third movie was ruled by The Pill! The fourth installment in the series will probably revolve around the search for the source of the McRibs' pleasure, even though it should focus on the introduction of a plot. Nonetheless, some stupid small object will be of extreme importance for both the Autobots and the Decepticons, and it will serve as the main basis of the story.


Optimus Prime will get his ass kicked

Optimus gets his ass handed to him by a fare share of enemies in the firth three movies. Megatron whoops him in the first movie, kills him in the second movie, and Sentinel beats him worse than Chris Brown beat Rihanna in the third film. Nonetheless, Optimus  will probably be saved by either Shila Shit or because the Transformer ransacking his corpse ran out of gas.