So You Think You Can Drink?

I have some friends coming into town to hang out and drink, by hang out I mean drink, I do not know how clear that was by putting those two together.  Whenever a large group of my friends get together it is generally to consume alcohol in its various forms.  Why?  It is fun, yeah being hungover sucks but retelling the night is a lot of fun too.  You wake up and you put something on the TV you don't care about and regale yourself with stories of your stupidity.  It's like a sleepover girls have in movies where they just talk.  No shit, Napoleon found a wheelchair once and we acted like Pootytime was paralyzed at the bar, it was amazing,  Napoleon just got done teaching children and found a wheelchair, that shit is not happening unless you and your friends drink.

So in the clusterfuck that is a group message our buddy (who shall now be known as Beer Guy, because of his love of shitty craft beer) claims "I will drink you all under the table."  That got me thinking, who is the best drinker and what makes a good drinker?  Of course I googled the second question in various forms and all I got were things about how how to drink moderately and I didn't like that Google was trying to make me confront a problem I don't have.  Moderation is boring, we never would have acted like Pootytime was paralyzed and got some meathead bouncer to carry him up the stairs to another bar by moderately drinking.  I would never have offered a cop 200$ I did not have to taze me by moderately drinking some beers.  Pootytime would not have creeped out Napoleon's cousin by moderately drinking at his wedding.  All these stories would suck, if not for consuming in excessive amounts most of the time Natty Light.

We will attack this one at a time but the members in this ranking are as follows...
1.  Wicket (Me)
2.  Pootytime (Idiot)
3.  Napoleon (Small)
4.  Headcut (Fake Hippie)
5.  Beer Guy (Beer Guy)
6.  Lasers (Really Likes Softball)
7.  Poke (Beautiful Hair, Creepy Facial Hair)
8.  Yanni (Jew)
9.  Boots (Chick)
10.  Sugarfoot (Wildcard)

This is not an actual order just the participants.  First category is speed.  Basically how quick one consumes one beer.  This is important for some reason.

1.  Beer Guy
2.  Pootytime
3.  Sugarfoot
4.  Boots
5.  Lasers
6.  Napoleon
7.  Wicket
8.  Yanni
9.  Poke
10.  Headcut

Something to point out here, drinking fast, is stupid, it is how you cannot drink for longer amounts of time.  What?  No this is not about the dangers of binge drinking, get the hell out of here rational voice.  Okay Pootytime and Beer Guy are by far the faster drinkers of all of us and I would guess Sugarfoot pounds him some beers because I see it on Snapchat a lot.  Boots outdrinks everyone else and to quote Pootytime's dad, Wise Pooty, "Is that Wicket's girlfriend....she can pound the shit out of a beer."  As far as the rest they are determined in an odd order I just kind of decided.  i do start slow though.  On to tolerance.  Which I have decided is how much you can drink and how quickly it has an effect on you.

1.  Wicket
2.  Sugarfoot
3.  Yanni
4.  Napoleon
5.  Lasers
6.  Headcut
7.  Boots
8.  Beer Guy
9.  Pootytime
10.  Poke

I am the master of drinking until like 5 AM and listening to depressing music while singing off all of the keys, didn't know them to begin with anyway.  This is a pure guess with Sugarfoot because I exclusively drink with him across Snapchat like we already discussed.  Yanni and Napoleon have a surprising tolerance for being so small.  Lasers can drink pretty steadily for a long amount of time and Headcut and Boots have probably regressed a little since college.  Beer Guy and Pootytime though, because of their speed drinking, outkick their coverage.  The speed leads them to drink say 11 beers and then decide they are not even buzzed yet so they continue to speed drink and then bam...

Pootytime at 1:00 AM

...it all hits them at the same time.  Poke has already decided via text he is the worst so fuck him.  On to beer gaming, which is a viable statistic because that means continuous drinking.

1.  Headcut
2.  Wicket
3.  Napoleon
4.  Boots
5.  Pootytime
6.  Yanni
7.  Lasers
8.  Poke
9.  Sugarfoot
10.  Beer Guy

Headcut is really good at all beer games but struggles with the drinking part.  Myself and Napoleon are about neck and neck except that psychologically I own him.  The rest are sort of interchangeable but Sugarfoot did not even know what 3-cup was, huge red flag, and Beer Guy just starts paying way too much attention to what music is being played and white women he cannot sleep with.

I am getting tired of this ranking business so to summarize...

Boots: Chick, good drinker, will not stop drinking once reaching a certain point, will vomit in your clean laundry basket, invented stupid drinking game called Suicide

Beer Guy: Beer snob, drinks sour beers, tries to beer game with IPA's, you know that person that tries to introduce you to music (Me) or books (Pootytime) or sexual assault (Sugarfoot) Beer Guy does this with beer, has a kegorator his richer more successful roommate bought, goes to hard to fast, horrible with ideas

Lasers: pretty steady drinker, not to fast not to slow, a staggering amount of nights ending up not drunk when drinking, generally more responsible than the rest of us, sells lasers

Yanni: Jew, plays the violin, had to change his pad when we poured red bull into his Four Loko, looks like Harry Potter as an adult man, deceivingly good at beer pong, hates mages

Poke: picked last in beer pong, admits to sucking at drinking, why am I still talking, despite being tiny as shit ready to throw down at all times

Wicket: slow starter, stays up until 5 AM, has drank 4-5 Four Lokos in one night, woke up with boxers inside out and backwards one time, impressive beer gamer, annoying about music, only likes rules that make him win, psychological ninja

Napoleon: Human Pop! Figurine, beer gamer, drinks modelo casually, got way to into keeping beer pong stats, must have generic music to drink, always wants to involve everyone,   never gets that drunk somehow

Sugarfoot: Drank with him once at a wedding...ripped shirt off...was very nice and cordial at Bob Evans next day...solid guy

Headcut: Beer gamer only, likes nature, had sex in my bed a lot while I was gone, offers to clean sheets

Pootytime: always wants to get fucked up, has also drank 4-5 Four Lokos in one night, passes out a lot, never makes it to the end, most visually drunk person I have ever seen

#10............Poke, I think we all knew this.

#9..............Yanni, he has probably got worse over time

#8..............Headcut, gets full very quickly, hampers his ability to drink beers

#7..............Pootytime, while he has drank 4 Four Lokos in a night he always gets far drunker than everyone else and falls asleep sitting up

#6.............Beer Guy, if he is actually drinking to get drunk, it will happen quickly, and he will play fake reggae music then break something

#5............Sugarfoot, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, we will see if the Snapchat drinker can hang

#4............Boots, only girl that has ever hung with us while drinking, big reason I now date her

#3............Lasers, more so because if he drank a lot, he would probably be fine, steady drinker

#2............Napoleon, yeah I messed these up

#1............Wicket, that's right, I ranked myself first, these are rational and totally not biased

Playoffs.....Playoffs

Read the title in Jim Mora voice and then picture Ian saying it.  Cause that is what he is doing.  This post is not about the King of the Retards Ian and his band of consolation nerds.  This is about playoffs and luck.  My luck actually.  It is most likely going to be that I scored the least points of winners and some of the losers may beat me.  Unless my Dolphin defenders and Lamar Miller score a butt ton of points and make me look awesome and in retrospect make this intro rather confusing.  That's why I included a joke about Ian, because everyone loves kicking a man when he is down, or when it is Ian, I assume I would also get the same treatment.  Onto the match-ups.

#1 Jovan Belcher's Pistol Offense Vs. #8 Eli's Moutbreathers

Eli Manning needs to fumble/throw interceptions at the least 6 times and Holden wins.  Barring an extreme point change by Yahoo! and there shitty fantasy football service Holden's season comes to a very similar end.  Since unlike ESPN I cannot look at past years of this league, I know Andy Dalton...I mean Holden flounders in the playoffs regularly.  Guess who's fault it is...Ian Smith, still losing in the actual playoffs even though he missed him.  If you read last week you saw a player that could have helped Ian multiple times this season.  His name...

The Crow

 Isaiah Crowell.  Ian dropped him and guy I don't know picked him up (at some time) and he threw up 27.9 points against a projected 8.39.  You played everyone correctly Holden, you have one person to blame...Ian.

#4 Fingerblastin' W/JPP Vs. #5 Watt'SUP

Figures after shit talking Harry for the majority of the year he would get screwed over by scoring higher than all the losers and most likely two winners.  Good year Harry, you have deserved me no longer making jokes about Sidney Rice.  As far as my points adversary Kreuz, I want you to be defeated.  (Lose rhymed there and sounded odd)  Unfortunately you have by far the best offense in the league.  Here is to Drew Brees playing away games hopefully.

#3 The Other White Meat Vs. #6 Pooty's New Virginity

I called this one well, in a way.  So, I said Pat would beat you cause your WR's suck well luckily I was right about the WR's and dear lord they are bad.  My worst WR outscored all 3 of yours, who are you Liz.  How did you limp into these playoffs with this set of three WR's.  Calvin Johnson I am guessing will be added to your list of players you hate along with Jamaal Charles and Amari Cooper against Denver must have just run routes for the fuck of it.  The other guy, I am not sure he is real.  You need multiple defensive TD's along with fumbles from Lamar Miller and every other Miami defender dying.

#2 Suck a Ditka Vs. #7 Duster McThunderstick

I guess this one is not technically over.  Pat needs 51 points.  So lets say ODB get 25 and the kicker hits three field goals all 40 yard+ and that is 12 so that means Prince Amukamara needs to score 14 points for the win.  So probably hope for ODB to drop like 40 points.  Honestly I now want Pat to lose because I have Big Ben and De'Andre Hopkins in a much more profitable league.  This could change but I doubt it.

Let's take a look at next weeks semi-final match-ups.

Fingerblastin' W/JPP Vs. Eli's Mouthbreathers

I'm guessing a disappointing low-scoring affair for both teams.  There are a few teams you do not want to see when your players opponents come up and Denver and Carolina are these teams.  If Roberts gets production out of his RB's (Devonta Freeman) and Kreuz's match-ups at RB go the way they are supposed to Robert may win.  While Antonio Brown is held to just a little Brees has a great game at home and Robert's team does not get the insane amount of points out of players like Ginn and Crowell again in a narrow loss.  Kreuz goes to the Championship.

Pooty's New Virginity Vs. Suck a Ditka/Duster McThunderstick

Well as far as my team, I am confident I can win I just have a preference of opponent.  I have pretty good match-ups and I don't play any of the Denvers, Carolinas, or sometimes Seahawks of the NFL.  Rivers plays against Miami and we suck, but Rivers lacks receivers so I am not so sure he is a good match-up.  Outside of that Pat has just about DeAndre Hopkins and that is it.  Yeldon and Eifert are hurt, Duke Johnson plays Seattle, Big Ben plays Denver, ODB plays Carolina, and DGB plays New England...yeah I want to play Pat.  Nick on the other hand has Forte with a bad matchup, Olsen with an injury and bad players in his 3rd WR, and Hightower.  He does have Brady against Tennessee, so that is like 28 points.  If I can figure out a QB and get 10 or 12 out of them I think I win.  I go to championship and play Kreuz.

Championship Game

Way to early but from the look of it none of my teams are resting players or playing good defenses and Kreuz has some tough games for his RB's and TE, but he has Brees at home vs. the Jags and Antonio Brown vs. the Ravens, which are very nice.  Toss-up but I think I have the edge right now, barring injuries.

A Review of Things I Have Not Seen, Heard, Or Are Even Released Yet

It has taken me a long time to realize that I apparently hate a lot of things.  Like comedy shows for instance, anything with a laugh track I instantly think is for people who cannot do simple algebra or construct a sentence that will convey a message.  This is why the laugh track is there.   You hear the laughing and then your pitiful brain goes "oh shit time to laugh."  The people on a laugh track even seem to not be laughing that hard.  It is the most phony forced laugh I have ever heard.  Fucking network television, besides Community of course, (well kind of now) is the Wyoming of comedy.  Don't understand the comparison, go to Wyoming, it fucking sucks, their grass lacks color, the whole state looks like it caught on fire and nobody attempted to put it out.

The Big Bang Theory

This review will also cover Two and A Half Men because they are the same thing to me.  I have actually seen both of these shows.  Before I start watch this 6 minute video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8DGiYRhvC0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASZ8Hks4gko

The second one is shorter but dear god how awkward was that.  If I watched it with my girlfriend Boots she would probably cower and lock herself in the closet.  It gave me the same feeling I get when watching an art house film...why the fuck is this happening.  Please tell me what is funny about this.  Let's go over the dialog.

Nerd 1: Boy do I have to urinate.  (I am assuming this is supposed to be funny because he said urinate instead of pee)

Nerd 2: There is a solution to that.  (A retort completely devoid of humor)

Nerd 1: I feel like I have a fish tank in my pelvis.  (Who wrote this?)

Nerd 2: So go to the bathroom.  (If this character only replies in non-humorous statements I would not be surprised)

I am not going over the rest because it must have been a dramatic episode...what?  This show is never dramatic...then why...that is just how it is all the time...CBS is the devil.  He won how many awards?  The skinny tall nerd...for what, anyone could have done that.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

Do you regularly watch Big Bang Theory?  Have you seen Paul Blart: Mall Cop?  Did you know that those questions are mutually exclusive.  Every person that answers yet to the first question also answers yes to the second.  From the trailer I viewed it seems that Kevin James schtick in this movie is "I'm fat and I run into things" also "I have a ridiculous amount of pride in being a Mall Cop."  Kevin James is jumping on this train late, Melissa McCarthy has already cornered the "Fat and Uncoordinated" comedy market.  You know how she did it?  She added the word Fuck...among other curse words.  I think I may actually watch this and then watch The Heat, i'll let you know what happens first suicide or laughter.

I have seen this trailer in a movie theater like 6 times.  Whenever someone laughs at the trailer I get angry.  I think they should make those trailers for profiling purposes.  The minute someone laughs a government agent will take the person and humanely put them down outside the theater.  That way we can work on the population problem in a concise and effective way.

Full House Netflix Series

Hey remember that show you used to watch and you loved it.  Yeah, that was good wasn't it.  Watch it again.  Oh it sucks now.  Yeah I mean that is the 90's for you.  Guess what has gotten better since the 90's...literally everything...except maybe rap.  That is what nostalgia does though, it makes you think things are great even though they now suck.  Boots is watching Friends like crazy on Netflix.  I used to enjoy Friends, now it is just alright.  Take a show like Full House, which was not as good as Friends, watch it again.  It is probably terrible.  You know what the writers of these shitty 90's shows make now?  Big Bang Theory and Two and A Half Men probably.  How in the fuck did no one watch Community and Parks and Recreation but watch this horseshit.  If this show is funny, I will blow myself.  If it is not funny you have to give me a dollar.  Give me a dollar.