Things we should expect from the new Transformers movie

The United States government will be hiding something

Despite the Autobots saving the planet three times before, the U.S. government will probably be hiding something very important from Optimus and the rest of the Autobots. Even though the corrupt alien organization has been closed and the Chicago businessman who holds on to alien clients like collectible McDonalds beenie babies has been stopped, some group of individuals will be trying to cover something important up. This person or group of individuals will somehow attract the attention of the evil decepticons, who will probably be ruled by..........

Some new evil robot.
Undoubtedly, some new evil being will be leading a new force of decepticons. This new, never before heard of robot, will be more powerful than any previous enemy the Autobots have faced. Even though Megatron was the "Harbinger of Death" in the first movie, he was quickly replaced by some douche with a metal beard called The Fallen. Even though The Fallen was said to be the most powerful evil being in the universe, he died quicker than most drug abusing celebrities. Finally Sentinel, a rogue Autobot, came on to the scene and vanished quicker than Joe Pa in the hospital. We can only assume that the writers will come up with some new pathetic excuse for a villain.

A new shape will be introduced as an all powerful object

The first movie was dominated by the search for The Cube, the second movie featured the search for the Bent Glowing Handlebar, and the third movie was ruled by The Pill! The fourth installment in the series will probably revolve around the search for the source of the McRibs' pleasure, even though it should focus on the introduction of a plot. Nonetheless, some stupid small object will be of extreme importance for both the Autobots and the Decepticons, and it will serve as the main basis of the story.


Optimus Prime will get his ass kicked

Optimus gets his ass handed to him by a fare share of enemies in the firth three movies. Megatron whoops him in the first movie, kills him in the second movie, and Sentinel beats him worse than Chris Brown beat Rihanna in the third film. Nonetheless, Optimus  will probably be saved by either Shila Shit or because the Transformer ransacking his corpse ran out of gas.

Spoons

Where the fuck are my spoons? You know how to drive someone crazy over two months? Gradually steal an item that, while has no value, is integral to their lives. Spoons help me eat cereal and somehow we are down to one. One of like fucking twelve that we had at one time. Either they are all in Ghost Roommate's room or someone is stealing them one by one. Think if this item was rather important. Like if it was my pen, which I am very particular about, and someone stole them. I would flip the fuck out. They no longer sell my pens unless you order them by the box. Like a Costco version of a pen package. Probably like ten dollars for 8 million pens because Costco is all about overkill.

So when you gradually start to lose something it starts out funny. You hypothesize on insane stories, like gnomes stealing them, or hobos wandering in your house and taking them, and these stories are made just to make someone laugh until.......you lose more spoons. Then these stories become slightly possible. I fully believe that little fucking gnomes are stealing my spoons to build some shrine to their deity or like a super weapon that makes more spoons. As of the last time I tried to eat cereal, there were no spoons. Also, there were no more plastic spoons from our New Years party. So.....I washed a plastic spoon. I felt poor, dirty, and slightly resourceful but I want to know where my spoons are. We cleaned the whole damn house and guess what? No spoons were found. I eat less cereal because I know that we have no spoons, my diet consist of foods that can be eaten with forks, and we have a shit ton of forks. Whoever is stealing our spoons (gnomes, ghosts, cute animals from Pixar movies, or demonic toys from Pixar movies) may leave forks behind like it was a trade. WELL I DO NOT FUCKING AGREE WITH THIS TRADE. YOU ARE NOT THE YANKEES OR RED SOX YOU CANNOT JUST GIVE US CRAP AND IN RETURN EXPECT MAJESTIC UTENSILS THAT CAN HOLD LIQUID. WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY SPOONS?

I ate cereal this morning with a 1 tablespoon measuring....ugh...spoon. It was difficult and sad. You can fit like one corn flake into a tablespoon. So after like three bites your corn flakes have turned into mush they ate during the depression. Fuck the depression, our economy sucks but I still eat like a king. All cereal that is good for you is soggy in seven seconds so you have to ingest it in like six, but I cannot do that because I lack the apparatus necessary to eat cereal.

So next time you come to Nanner Manor if you do not have money for beer, I will gladly except spoons as payment. The alternative is building spoons because I am far to cheap and angry about the disappearance that I refuse to buy more.

If just one, then none

Spring Break is quickly approaching, and my friends and I are soon going to face the realization that we so far only have one female attending. For some groups this may not be a huge problem, because lets face it, one is better than none right? WRONG! We'd rather have a ComiCon sized sausage-fest because......

A competition is going to happen. It doesn't take a scholar to realize that the laws of scarcity are going to be at work here. Due to high levels of testosterone, the men are going to try and earn the favor of the lone woman by grunting loudly and displaying their superior drinking abilities. The injection of inhuman amounts of alcohol into the equation means that the winner has probably punched his ticket to pound-town. Which means that.........

The Loser or Losers are probably going to be very angry. I usually fall into this category because I do not take losing well. Generally my solution to said problem is to get as fucked up as humanly possible. This course of action usually leads to me hating everyone, especially Wicket,  and not even liking myself. These types of actions can lead to ..........

Internal disunity. The men will be squabbling amongst themselves like catty bitches on a midnight dating show. Pranks will be pulled, and people will be harshly insulted. The only thing that ends more comraderies is a friendly game of RISK, because everyone knows backstabbing will occur, but they are never prepared for it.

While all this is happening..........

The winner will be a verifiable deity. Having hooked up with the only chick on vacation gives him the right talk shit to the losers and then rub their faces in it. However, depending on how much booze was consumed prior to the initial hookup, one of three things could happen:

1.) The relationship could grow and flourish into something that lasts. Not likely. How many lasting relationship stories begin with "we both blacked out and had irrational drunk sex"? The answer is, not many. Generally both parties wish the sins of that night could be washed away with more drinking, but sorry, they can't.

2.) The relationship could be a complete disaster from the beginning. Kind of like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

or....

3. ) The relationship could be marginally successful, but failure in the end, is inevitable. Wickett will probably journey down this path. His friend based sex system looks good in theory, but it is about as stable as Enron riding a pogo stick. This means that eventually its going to collapse like a card house in the wind. Thus, it is going to get quite awkward for........

Everyone in the house. The shattered egos and confidences of the inhabitants are going to come together into one huge explosion. This will probably result in the death of a member. Most likely Yani, because he will not be anyway involved, but his constant violin playing will make him an easy and satisfying target.