Tractor Pulls (from the perspective of Cletus, our guest blogger)

Oh shit man them traktor pulls are a good darn time.  Their is nothin like havin the sun above you're head pounding beers and watch big shit pull shit.  The Busch Light was on tap all weekend, we were drinking beers and yellin at the ladies fuck a few of them showed us there tits.  When these two uppity fuckers askd me to be a guest righter on there internet I was like :shit yeah I will: I need to be foice that shows thoz northern faggits that traktor pulls are fuckin shit sweet.

1, Drinkin beers outside is like drinkin with Jesus nuthin are better then showin Jesus how you wership his highness like poundin beers and saluten the sun witch is wher Jesus sits on his thorn.

2, Titties/ their is no way that tits wer made fer nersin little babees they wer made for traktor pullin.  Two thigs twogether that is more made badass more is tits and beers.  Their is no better combenashon it is like traktors and pulling shit

3, Beers

4, Drinkin outside

5, Tits

6, I think that is all thoz 5 thigs are what makes pulling Traktor pulling shit sweet.

Cletus Salutashons?

The Bourne Legacy: The Quest for Chems...

I really like movies.  So much that I want to write them, which, as I continue to watch movies, becomes more realistic by the minute.  My friend once said that he thought his ex could actually be an actress because he saw Van Helsing.  No punchline there, Van Helsing is terrible.  But, Van Helsing had one thing that the Bourne Legacy did not........an actual plot.    Now Van Helsing's plot was by no means good.  But, it was there, it existed.  Halfway through the Bourne Legacy I thought "we are halfway through this movie.......right."

Okay, SPOILERS, Jeremy Renner needs chems (that is what he calls them) and does not even get them he just gets virused out (essentially say you have asthma, they just get you really fucking sick and then you don't have to take "chems" because thats how shit goes down) and then immediately runs and the movie is over.  I just described every major plot point in the movie.  It was Bourne Identity with no amnesia.  Instead of a Mini Cooper it was a dirt bike that can grind.  Also, if you watch the Bourne movies you know that there are government programs breeding super soliders, well there are like 7 of those groups now.  "Well Treadstone did not work, we should start over.......fuck that did not work either........lets do that shit again."  It seems like the government in this movie would have better results by attempting to make robots.  Or do not let them have feelings, get amnesia, or be really good at getting away on weird vehicles.  The new badass dude which is like a terminator that does not turn into a real boy dies, because that chick from The Mummy kicked his motorcycle and he drove into a pole.

This movie could easily be turned into a hilariously bad movie if Jeremy Renner just started beating everyone he saw asking for his chems. Like if he was casually walking down the street and was like "hey do you know where my chems are?" and then the guy would be like "what are you talking about?" and then Jeremy Renner would just go off and beat the shit out of him.  You know who needed to be in this movie, Morpheus, that dude knows where pills are.  Jeremy Renner could have been Hawkeye and used a weapon made obsolete forever ago and it would have been better.  Picture getting shot at with guns and he is just headshoting guys with a hunting bow, I would not fuck with that guy.

If the wikipedia plot summary is longer than 4 sentences the guy who wrote the screenplay/story fucking wrote it.  They did not even set up a sequel, which, is what should happen.  Like "let's find Jason Bourne that guy does not like the people I also dislike that is a logical decision to get to the bottom of this..........fuck that this boat has a picnic table."