Fred Flap Neck. Age, old as fuck. Owner and creator of the Red Kroger company died last night. He woke up complaining about head pain and then his brain promptly exploded. His wife exclaimed, well she would have but she died during the black death like the rest of Fred's generation. After escaping the Black Death, Vag Neck journeyed to America to start his life by opening some business that by luck, turned into some mega-store, somehow. Those details are not important, how he went from whatever to successful business man is lame. How he went from guy who owns shop to cult leader is much more interesting.
I'm guessing he either decided he was a god since he survived the wars(Crusades, I, Clone, II, etc.) and used to hang out with Jesus or he just wanted to bang lots of middle aged poor employees. The first is more likely because when Flappy was born his neck was ninety and women found him to be as attractive as a male version of Sarah Jessica Parker, which, I know for a fact, is a horse. Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse, or an old burnt shoe. I find her to be one of the most repulsive things on this planet, I don't believe in god because she exists. Why would anyone do that on purpose and then let them be famous? The cult was easily formed because Old Neck made every sla....team member go through intensive training. During my training Red Kroger said "some people have integrity, like Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, and Flap Neck. Red Kroger compared their former small business owner(now cult leader, well not now, cause of the whole dead thing) to a man who was president and instrumental in ending slavery, a man who fought for African-American rights, and the 1st president of the USA, respectively. He opened a fucking mega store and pays his employees minimum wage, while he summons some kind of dark shit in the undercroft of your local Meijer.
The Cult of Red Kroger is devoted to keeping Fred Flap Neck alive. So I am guessing they had a plan for this. Some kind of dark ritual that they revive him so he can pay me child labor rates to do a job that a robot will soon do. I assume reviving Flap Neck is a lot like reviving Voldemort. First they must take something from.....the guy that killed him or some shit. So they have to go find Father Time and rip his collarbone out. Then they need some flesh from the servent given willingly. Red Kroger will probably have a meeting with some lower level employees, willingly they walk in the room and promptly die, either from lava under the floor or they just said fuck it I work at Red Kroger my life is not going anywhere and they just went with it. Lastly, I think, they need something from the father, since the father was some kind of neanderthal that would be impossible. You have to take into consideration that Flap neck because of his unusually long lifespan either A) has clones or B) can time travel. If there is clones he probably has a frozen clone father to harvest from, if there is time travel he can just go back to a time where he was already born rip off his ear or something and bam he is back alive. Also, I forgot he needs a new brain since his brain is the consistency of oatmeal. They would probably just take his son out Hank Flap since he is a very willing member of the cult.
Well......fuck that. This totally plausible scenario has to be going down and I am going to stop it because I hate Red Kroger, plus, I am pretty fucking bored.
